Spice

Good Charlotte - Little Things

 

I'm recycling old photos. Ones I like, anyway. It's always weird being in this emotional state. I know that what I need to do is hike my pants up and just fucking do what needs to be done, but I feel so worn down and so hopeless that even when I do get a lot done during a day, at the end of it all I can see is the monstrous amount of work ahead of me. And then I feel worse. Angry because I can't do enough, and angry because I feel like no one at all is helping me. And then angry because I don't want to need someone else's help. And that makes it harder to get things done. And it's an idiotic cycle because it's my own fault, but I can't seem to drag myself out of it. I'm relieved just to be able to hold the status quo most of the time: moving ahead and making things better just seems so....out of my reach. I have to do it in little increments that make me feel pathetic for being pleased that I even managed that.

 

It's like unintentionally making myself physically ill when I'm anxious. I can know what I need to do, I can try and talk myself up, I can make the facade okay, following the theory that if you smile outside, you'll start smiling inside as well. It doesn't work. I can try and bullshit myself and force a positive attitude, but as soon as I stop, it comes crashing down. And I have to build myself right back up from the bottom. It takes me so long to get started each morning because of that. “You can do it, it's okay. Small steps, just take one thing at a time. Look at what you can do and then feel good about accomplishing it. Things will get better. Things will get better. Things will get

 

Done