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The Pub Is My Womb

"Cigarettes are my food," said

Frank Zappa. And then he died

of testicular cancer. Which came as

no surprise to anyone who'd heard

him wanking in recording studios

for thirty years, but still. Anyone

who names his kid Moon Unit is

plainly asking for his balls to rot

off. Because there is such a thing

as karma. Welcome to the concept

of universal payback.


I quit smoking when I was thirty.

There then followed three years

of medical holocaust. I had a cold

for a year, I developed a terminal

allergy to housedust, my mouth

was ravaged by some hideous

infection that stopped me eating

anything harder than soup, I

collapsed and was kept chemically

unconscious by pain medication

for a mouth, my circulatory system

tried to kill my brain... And this,

understand, is from NOT smoking.


I cannot deny my genetics. I

cannot fight that which was hard-

wired into me by my father's

tea-coloured, nicotine-riddled

seed. You go ahead and pretend

that car fumes are magic stardust

and the greatest threat to life on

earth is cigarette smoke. But

the ineluctable, medical truth of

the matter is that if I do not smoke

I will DIE.


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Uploaded on January 27, 2006