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To whom it may concern. I leave tomorrow for Ireland. The details of this year's trip are secret of course, but trust me when i tell you that it will be dangerous. So i am posting a copy of my Last Will in preparation for the unlikely possibility that my enemies penetrate my defenses and somehow overpower me. This would require a force of human or cybernetic soldiers existing well beyond the scope of the worlds wealthiest military entities. So please do not worry, I am writing this because my lawyers are demanding it. My Will is divided into two parts, the first being a list of individuals to whom certain belongings have been awarded, and the second describes the post-mortem procedures I wish to to be performed on my body after careful examination by a qualified physician.
If you once found your name honored among the list of disciples, there is no guarantee that it remains. If this is the case i recommend you engage in a serious re-evaluation of your life from the perspective of the wayward child, and seek approbation as soon as I return. If the situation is reversed and you previously went conspicuously unrewarded but now find yourself illuminated among the chosen, then you should know that this reward does not mean I am happy with you. I am, simply put, short of people who are not on my revenge list. I remind you, as always, that this will is little more than a prescient announcement of the collapse of civilization, since the economic and political structures of the world will more than likely implode after the news of my demise is leaked to the public. So in addition to my will, I have provided a short survival guide detailing how to live through and possibly prosper in the impending anarchy. I offer this to you as consolation for your loss... your loss of me.
Part 1. Distribution of goods
1. The Mediterranean Island Compound. Brendan and Jen. You get the island but not the weapons. You two have never fully committed to my vision of the future and therefore I can not trust you with the arsenal. I also suggest that you avoid the western peninsula, as this is where I keep the genetically enhanced snakes.
2. W.M.D.'s I had given these to Brian, but now I think Marty might better be suited for this. He will more than likely forget about them and consequently they will not be used. The secret storehouse will be mine when I return.*
3. Videos of me cage fighting. These were lynda's, but now they go to Orange and K8. Shirtless, sweaty and mercilessly hot.
4. What is left of my sperm/genetic documentation. This information was to be donated to the insurrectionist rebel movement know as "The Fist of Democracy", who were going to use the data to create the perfect warrior. But now I think i will have it cloned and donated to sperm banks across the country in such prodigious numbers as to statistically outnumber any other potential father 200 to 1. The people of the world will need as much of me as they can get.
5. The computer map of the neuro-pathways of my brain. My lawyers engaged in a lengthy battle with the US military to regain control of this complicated Bio-software. It would be a waste to give it to any of you. I demand that this model be plugged into a computer and powered indefinitely. You may refer to it when in need of answers about life, strategic operations, or connect four.
6. My surfboard. Ben you asked for this. The caveat is that you may never ride it. In fact, I demand that you never even learn to surf.
7. Brian and suzette, As an engagement present, I am transferring ownership of my diamond mine to you both. The only problem is, it is currently staffed with slave children stolen from nearby villages so this is kind of like leaving 1,500 starving, overworked babies on your doorstep.
8. Albert and Juliet, You have both entered my life with the speed and fury of a level three, pandemic tropical disease. The resultant social dependence dictates that I offer you a place in the council of my future reign*. This will of course require that you are both frozen. I have alerted my Cryonics division, and on your respective 30th birthdays' you will be forcefully put to sleep.
8. Erin. You get my nanotechnology lab in silicon valley. I predict that you will squander the massive profits acquired from this resource. You are bad with money. Therefore all money will be placed into a trust fund. You will not be able to access this money until you have given birth to three male children. After the birth of your third son, who must be named William you may receive it in full. The choice in fathers is left to your questionable judgment.
9. Aieghdeigkna. I have something for you this time. I got you a pocket Chinese translator. Actually, he is less pocket sized than you might like since he is now 13. His name is Ling. Feed him well.
10. Tom. You get the videotapes of my old truck sitting on the street. This is my most prized possession.
11. Meredith: you are now the owner of my bedding design factory in SE Asia. We have a lab there filled with tiny beds in which tiny monkeys sleep to test our new products.
12. Trevor mcnaab. Fuck off... I will strike at you even from the grave..
13. Jennifer H. You get the robot guarded penthouse on Central park west. The robots have been programmed to kill you on site. They are armed with weapons such as, laser beam eyes, machine gun arms, and the ability to crush and stop your useless future right out of metaphysical existence. good luck.
14. Michelle, as a wedding present to you and Murat I give you the Atlantic undersea base. We have had some trouble lately with our hyper intelligent dolphins so you will have a bit of cleanup work to do once you take it over. My scientists have been telling me that the dolphins won't do any work without listening to Tina Turner.
15. Neinke, You still get southern Europe. I never really liked it anyway. Just check in at the Hague to collect. Oh yeah, they may "resist" at first so see #2 above. I'm sure Marty will let you borrow them.
16. Bryson, I have been developing a secret weapon. The weapon is designed to pull the moon closer to the earth. Earth's gravity will eventually kick in and the two planetary bodies will collide. This information was of course something I hoped would never reach the public. In fact I kind of regret building it in the first place but I was out late one night and when i got home I was sort of drunk and I guess it seemed like a good idea at the time, sooo... anyway, it's yours.
19. Steph, You are going to be with me on this trip so it is likely that if someone tries to kill me, I will have used your body as a shield. I therefore can not envision a situation in which you will be alive if I am dead, so I am not leaving you anything.
20. Corrina, You are given the apartment. You earned it. You must however seal off my room, curate it and once a year allow visitors in for a modest price.
18. The cadre of assassins is yours Damian. After all, you helped me train them. I can think of no one I trust them with more than you. I would ask one favor though. Please kill Trevor with them. Oh and just in case please kill Brian Ferrier as well. Thanks buddy.
19. Eric, We share the same birthday. In many ways we are very similar. This has forced me as i am sure it has you, to question life from the standpoint of astrology, genetics, behaviorism, sociology, psychology etc. etc. These analysis's are done in search of an answer for why we are so much alike. We are both architects, we both see the world as contemplative outsiders and we are the two greatest dancers in the world. It is for this reason that i demand we share the same death day. You have little time (if any) before they find you, better start running.
20. Mike Wrobel, Jon, and the rest of the "Demons of North" , You get my motorcycle. If at all possible, could you please MAKE IT FUCKING WORK! If you can't I demand that it be set on fire and pushed into the east river because I am pretty sure that it will be more useful down there than it is up here.
21. Kielty. You are given rights to the autobiography I paid someone to write for me.
22. Maureen. You get the Monster truck factory.
23. Ellen and Ute, you are both given architecture. All of it. From every basswood model to every non-cementatious epoxy based exterior panel slab. It is all yours, but I should warn you that it doesn't do anyone any actual good no matter how many late nights you waste on it.
24. Pinky, you get my hotel/internet dogfood empire. It is a rough combo.
24.5 Andy, my collection of priceless gems is yours. You must first solve a puzzle though. Please be at Union square at exactly 3:40 on January 31st 2008 under the statue of General Marquis de Lafayette to receive your first clue. Bring a change of underwear and whatever weapons you have.
25. There is a note written at the bottom which should be mailed to the president of the United States upon official statement of my death given by a qualified physician. Please send it for me.
26. Mom, Dad, Brianna, Virginia, James, Bwendan, Patrick... fuck it
the whole Oberlin, Dowd, Koneche, Goggin, Reilley, Gallagher, Jarabak, Cligget,
Pattersonian Tribe. As a special gift to you, just for having been born with even a shadowy resemblance to my messianic genetic coding, I offer you a seat in my future ruling council.*
(You must of course arrange and pay for your own Cryogenic storage.)
Anyone who makes it back will also be given a free yogurt.
To everyone else. As stated above, I offer you the knowledge that your civilizations will probably collapse shortly after they learn of my demise and therefore in the ensuing chaos, my possessions will not be of great importance to those who have received them. Please see the survival guide below.. I look forward to my awakening.
* See below funeral procedures explaining all matters relating to future reign.
Part 2. Funeral and Interment procedures
It is my wish that the physical manifestation of my self (ie. my body) undergo the following series of ceremonial and medical procedures after an official statement of death given by a qualified physician.
If I am proven dead.
1. Please carefully remove my brain. Please carefully reinsert my brain into a robot. Make sure the robot is designed with extremely powerful weapons and make sure that I am VERY relaxed at the time of insertion. (we all know what happens when the brain wakes up in the new robot body and in a fit of anxiety kills the room full of doctors.) Monitor my behavior for any signs of abnormality and then leave me alone so i can get down to business. It might be a good idea not to load the weapons until this point. Just as a precaution.
2. It is my wish that the liquid in my body be removed and replaced
with a gelatinous nitrogen mixture capable maintaining it's non-Newtonian, solid state at temperatures well below freezing. I then would very much appreciate being frozen. This is of course only after my brain has been removed and inserted into the Robot-Death-Machine (ummm. don't call it that publicly) described above.
3. After my rule is sufficiently established, a minimum of 100 years of tyranny (again please keep these descriptions to yourselves) I probably will want a body again. Since I really haven't seen anyone on this earth as strikingly handsome as myself, I will most likely want my own. Hence the freezing.
That is it. I do not expect much. I do expect swift and zealous obedience. Remember loyalty purchases reward. Hopefully none of this will be necessary yet but you never know. Have a good week.
Letter to the president.
Dear mr president,
You are a puppet. Yes, sorry to have to tell it to you this way, but
you are nothing more than a figurehead who's policies and actions are the inevitable result of 60 years of armament build-up. When I return from the grave and peacefully rise to power, I look forward to sitting in your seat. Actually with my new robot body (you will see) I might have to install a much larger seat. In fact the white house of my rule will look slightly less neo-classical. The new architecture will have more of a shiny, stay-the-fuck-away, feel to it. Windows won't really be needed. All light will come from the fiber-optic treated exterior skin used to photo-voltaically power the hydrogen fuel cells and simultaneously light the sleek sexy interiors. These interiors will be occupied by models; beautiful ones in lingerie because I will have no need for a staff of weak-minded humans. My current brain, which is far superior to yours, will be augmented with state of the art processors upgraded weekly and funded with 1/3 of the world's countries' taxes. It will connected to a global network devoted to operating
the mechanical, electrical. political, and economic infrastructure of every city and suburb in the world. This will eliminate the need for a bureaucracy since I will run the entire planet myself, hence the models. They will be hot, mr. president. You are welcome to come visit occasionally. You can eat your puny-human foods, like egg sandwiches on a roll with cheese and sausage. You can have any delicious beverage you choose, it will be prepared by one of my beautiful sexy models!! We can discuss how similar my reign of terror is to your presidency, and if you get tired you can shut your brain down to take a nap while I communicate with the human colony on Z-Beta-Prime. So that is it. Hope to see you soon. The doctors will need to get me up and running quickly.
Ok, So if you are reading this then the world as you know it has ceased to function in a recognizable fashion. This could mean that your government has collapsed and the streets are occupied by mobs of shiv wielding looters. Or that the military, in response to what will have been referred to (i love to use pluperfect tense) as the greatest power vacuum in human history, has mobilized a coup. But whatever the case, it is certain that by now you have already killed your neighbor in an act of heroic self preservation. That's one down, 7 billion to go, because in your new world the only way to survive is to be the last one standing. This simple guide will provide the techniques and strategies that will keep you one step ahead of your post-apocalyptic competitors.
step one: mapping out your future.
there are two possible ways to survive in this new world and neither of them are pretty, but you will have to very quickly make your choice. You can either take a sedentary and consequently defensive approach, establishing a semi-permanent water source and agricultural life, or you can become a nomad scavenging, attacking and foraging whatever you come across. There are advantages and disadvantages to both.
The sedentary approach, if employed successfully, will allow you to lead a life of moderate comfort while the nomadic system offers you the opportunity to plunder which is equally important. Below are some simple rules to the establishment of both.
Sedentary Life Model
1. Do not wait for the dust of the apocalypse to clear before you join or start a settlement of humans. it is unadvisable to live in a fixed location outside the protection of a tribe or band. Those stationary few who shun the sheltered settlements in favor of isolation, will probably be forced to watch their families die at the hands of wandering raiding parties. This is usually just before being left for dead in a nuclear wasteland (if you are part of the raiding party, It should be noted that the people you leave alive tend to survive and seek revenge so be thorough and just kill them). Therefore, quickly seek out other survivors for defense and, if you have the courage, establish your role as leader.
2. Gather healthy people and valuables quickly. The strength of a society is dependant on the strength of it's citizens. Leave the old, sick, weak and injured behind. don't hesitate to remove their food, clothing and useful items as you do so. If they resist, kill them. In your world of violent resource acquisition young men and women between the ages of 16 and 30 are critical for the establishment of a well defended civilization. In the beginning these men and women will be used as farmers, builders and laborers as well as your fighting force. But soon, as your numbers grow, you will want to establish a professional military fed by the labor of the civilians. Never let this military forget who is in control. It is advised that you kill some of them in hand to hand combat duels about once a month just as a reminder.
3. Find a scientist. This can not be stressed enough. You will need a brain to your organizational brawn. In fact, find as many as possible but let us clarify the term scientist. We are not looking for meteorologists, microbiologists, agronomists, ethologists, cytologists sociologist, ect. Nor are we seeking any academic fields dependant on technologically expensive equipment. We need scientists of a practical nature. Like physicists, chemists, geologists, epidemiologists and this is the big one here, doctors, doctors, doctors. holy shit are these guys going to be cooler than they ever thought possible. You should keep them protected, give them immunity from your heavy handed legal system, shelter them and provide them with as much sex as they can handle. Their children will probably be just as valuable as they are.
4. Laws. step one, kill the lawyers, they will wrestle your newly acquired power away from you the first chance they get. Step two. establish a fighting arena to settle internal disputes because justice is best served at the hands of the individuals. Step three. establish a police force. Step four, remember that it is good to kill the troublemakers before they reach maturity. At the first sign of insurrection kill the troublemakers and his/her family. Kids love to grow up seeking revenge so don't give them the opportunity.
5. Stronghold. stronghold. stronghold. You need to keep your people and your food protected from your enemies. Caves are a good natural defense structure. If you don't have caves build walls. anyone who knows how to build, has a duty to work on your stronghold and palace ASAP. those who resist should quickly find themselves subjugated to waste management duty or thrown outside the protection of the camp.
6. Escape route. ALWAYS have a back-up plan. keep a hidden stash of food, weapons and clothing in a well fortified location far away from your settlement. If possible store enough provision to supply the minimum number of people you will need for a fresh start. If and when you are attacked and overrun take your best officers and their families with you to the new secret base. If necessary, use the lives of those subjects about whom you do not care as barter for your escape. Just make sure your conquerors don't follow.
Additional tips and helpful hints for the sedentary survivors.
try to keep as many skulls and disarticulated corpse parts staked or mounted around the perimeter of your encampment. This intimidates both the advancing raiding parties as well as any who might try to escape. Remember, signs and other nonverbal communication techniques might not work since few will know how to read. Since they won't be of much use to you, I suggest using the graphic designers of this world as your corpses.
Don't be too greedy. This applies to all levels of your life. Your new subjects might not appreciate your rule if they feel like you are going to swoop in any second and take their food or their women.
For some reason, children are relatively important to their parents, so try not to hurt them if possible, it breeds dissention.
Nomadic Life Model
The nomad is a hearty and healthy individual who has shunned the comforts of daily life in exchange for mobility and efficiency of resource collection. The nomad's life is an equation in search or balance. It is quite literally, an economy of means. One must travel light between water and food sources but never so light as to run short of supplies. The company of others is critical for survival, but never let your band expand large enough to outgrow your foraging intake. The successful nomad is constantly aware of his/her environment and never questions or challenges nature's wrath. The lack of shelter and protection from the elements is the Nomad's greatest enemy and the fight against this can only be fought with knowledge of your terrain. Use the rules below to help establish a working band of nomadic forgers.
1. Since this world will most likely be a barren wasteland of infertile soil, The foraging of the future will be based largely, if not exclusively, on the destruction of established settlements and the subsequent stripping of what few crops and storehouses they have. This will mean your foraging band (war party) will need to be fierce enough to attack and destabilize whatever strongholds you encounter. You will also require some method of transporting your spoils.
2. Find a vehicle. Even better than vehicles are pack animals. They provide companionship, Do not require gasoline or combustible fuel, and they can be used as an emergency food source.
3. Gather strong and healthy people to your group. Keep in mind that for every person you pick up you will need to acquire an equal amount in provisions during the raids. This can be a problem unless you have some resource wealthy targets within striking distance. At every conquered settlement it is advised to conscript new warriors from the young if needed.
4. Do not keep a fixed position for too long. Once you overrun a fortification, stay as long as it takes to re-supply and recoup from your attack then pack up and leave. Don't forget to arm yourself with as many weapons as are available. If you linger, you are open to retaliation from satellite camps, scavengers looking to capitalize on your work, and worse, rebellion from the conquered. Since it is not good to leave angry victims in your flank, you should kill anyone who might cause trouble before you advance.
5. Establish a code of law. Don't get too fancy here. Just pick some catch phrase that can be shouted by the masses but still allows sufficient room for your subjective interpretation. Just so the people know who is in charge make sure to slap your name on it. Something like "williams code, . An enemy of your brother is your enemy too. b. Stealing from your brother is stealing from the people! " Something like that. keep it simple. remember, there is no prison when you are on the move and resources are too scarce to justify mercy. Therefore, the penalty for all indiscretions should be death.
Get a harem, you need to procreate prolifically.
Never miss an opportunity to attack. This is true even if you are outnumbered. Your enemies need to fear you more than you need your warriors.
Send the heads of your victims on a cart or a wagon to your next target just to let them know you're coming.
So that should do it. I recommend you keep this guide on you at all times during my trip because if something does go wrong and I don't make it, this may very well be the only possession you have left.
This sinfully sweet pendant features a big fat heart chock full of REAL candy sprinkles! Inside you will also find a big blue skull made out of sugar! Dope! The back of the pendant has super duper sparkling blue glitter. Awesome!
just put the finishing touches on this last night....
might add some more junk later if I can find a place to squeeze it in.
I painted this little guitar about 15 years ago. I found it while digging through cabinets. It still has it's glitter.
Skullified design (in red) including flamework....let me know if you would like your own personalized tattoo made to your specifications.
My BEST to you all who are looking for that perfect tattoo!
More of my art work can be seen at
one of the two main places i NEEDED to see while in paris. with hardly any lighting my ttv was a bitch to handle and this was the only shot i was able to walk away with. definitely super creepy and neat in the catacombs and another place i could totally get lost in.
"The thing about love stories is that people believe that this kind of stories are written on the skin. Under the skin, unrevealed secrets are kept; romantic secrets, the pride of the family, undercover ways of love. Behind every love story, there are feelings in between; behind those feelings, there is a flower;behind a flower, there is always a girl;behind that girl is a skull... a sinister, evil an laughing skull"
Inpired by: Dali's "In Voluptas Mors"
Grabbed this out of the recycle bin this morning and slapped a few skulls on it :-D
My Skull-Bunny Painted by Denise Ann Wells 2007 Everything looks better with skulls! U can see more at www.myspace.com/denyceangel666
Papercraft Toy using a template from Skull A Day. Modified some old art, tweaked the template a little... and VIOLA! SKULL-I-FIED!
Hand-painted skull with Bunny Ears....Happy Easter Denise style....and KISS MY ASS if you can't take a joke!
More of my artwork can be seen at www.myspace.com/denyceangel666
Extra large box canvas that just needed to be filled with skulls and bones (well that's what it said to me). What'd think? I'm liking it.
Upcoming collaboration project with Onorio D'Epiro:
Toxic BuB is going to feature a display rod and cast resin base packed with skull and seaweed goodness.
Liz has had a cheeky paint job and a trade mark [rich] skull slapped across her face.
Standing a whopping 7 inches (well just a whisker under) her majesty is ready to ship - £60 and she's yours. Drop me an email if you fancy her.
A half-tone screen-printed version of this painting that I created a while back.
Thick light grey A3 card and sanded the highlights with some course sandpaper. The highlights have been purposely sanded under the edge of the image for an under-sprayed effect. Therefore, each one of the varied edition of 20 is completely unique; some are sandpapered more more than others. I’ve just got to sign and number them and they are ready to tube up and post. These are just £18 including UK postage (recorded) and packing. If you're outside the UK get in touch first please.
As well as this varied edition, I also have a handful of proofs on A3 white cartridge paper. These are just £12.50 each including UK postage (recorded) and packing.
If you’re interested in either print then head on over to the Ektopiart shop, Cheers.
A calavera plushie I made. Decided to name her Mercedes, after my grandmother. D'arby and I are going to make more for the rest of our beloved departeds for our ofrenda.
You need at least one piece of felt, embroidery floss, and a needle. Optional: button eyes [available at your local craft or fabric store and the GIANT LONG'S].
1. Fold felt square in half, sketch skull shape [mine's maybe 6" at widest part, but you can make any size], cut out.
2. Add button eyes [or sew on felt ones] and embroider mouth and nose.
3. Optional flower: cut petals or flower shape and center circle from felt, sew together, sew to outside of face piece.
4. Start at jaw hinge, sew two main pieces most of the way around to the other side of the jaw, fill with stuffing, finish stitching. You might want to stuff a bit more in when you're almost to the end.
I love the @themooks he sent me this ltd edition print made a grey crappy day awesome!
Pencil drawing I finished this morning using the lace heart as a cut-out to frame the skulls...I did worry about cutting the lace drawing out and damaging it but I'm happy with how this turned out so it was worth it...plus I can use the cut out for other projects too.
To make your own lace and more accurate than mine you can check out.... a link to Free printable Online Graph Paper
(pdf). There are many different kinds including CELTIC KNOT graph paper...
More of my art work can be seen at