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I really fucking hate Playboy magazine. Seriously... At best it's the

Jay Leno of softcore - clearly the most popular of its kind,

but completely banal and without even a semblance of interesting

content. If Jay Leno is the epitome of comedy but will never make you

laugh aloud, so is Playboy is synonymous with porn, but will never

really get your dick hard. It's a banal, uncontroversial waste of print

that on its best days uses celeb cameos in formulaic photo spreads to

move product, but more often relies on sycophantic pandering to pop

news references as filler between the seven pages of naughty bits that

are facsimiles of the pictures that pictures that have filled those

spots for the past fiftyish years.

 

A generous stranger recently handed down a box of the past two years of

Playboy along with the corresponding two years of

Lucky Magazine. I would be more likely to rub one out

to the Lucky at this point. First, as I said, there are about fifteen

pictures per magazine of tit & bush - that's less than I would see on a

single TGP link, and even less than I would see in a European fashion

or photography magazine. Maybe excusable if the pictures were hot, but

they're literally regurgitation of the same photos that have appeared

in the magazine every month since Marilyn graced the cover! I'm not

some queen who kvetches about models not being a realistic

representation of women in this world - I think I would puke out of my

eye sockets after seeing 95% of the women in this world naked - but

that the compositions, sets, lighting, and props haven't changed is

nothing short of tedious. I have a few antique Playboys from the early

1980s sitting on my desk, and right now I am looking at a photo of

Lynda Weismeier that is identical - down to the panties - of a shot of

Camila Decesare that was printed in the magazine a few months ago. It's

amazing how the magazine has so thoroughly mechanized the process of

nude photography - most of the time it doesn't even matter if the girl

is blonde ore brunette because after a few kilos of makeup, about a

dozen CTO gelled hotlights, and a visit to the frisky fingers of the AD

photoshop intern, pretty much every photo of every girl looks

identical... When I see a Playboy photo spread, I see tedium, I see

stasis... I see bales of hay and sometimes a fleetside chevy pickup or

a whimsical french bicycle.

Sometimes the magazine does depart from the monotony of tightpussy

midwesterners to showcase a C-List celebrity muff, but exciting as it

seems to check out a Wrestlemania chick's monster box five years after

anyone on the planet thought she was even remotely hot, the pictures

are always a huge letdown. First, the talent - they're like the

mid-80s sitcom stars and band members that come to your local

white-trash strip mall ribbon cutting - they're hardly famous, you hate

their work, but because they did something somewhere a long time ago

that was recorded, you cream your cortas at the oppertunity to see them

because for the next thirty years of your miserable life, you can tell

your kids and coworkers and friends all about the time you met Rerun

from Whats Happening (RIP Fred Berry). That's what the

"celebs" who pose for Playboy are like. But beyond that, the pictures

are horrid! Either the women being shot are

clothes-on-attractive (think Kelly Ripa, or your friend's mom

that you wanted to bang in 7th grade - a fine piece of ass in a tank

top and casual slacks, but jawbreaker when the panties drop), or are

actually hot, but are shot with the most unflattering poses /

expressions imaginable. Eva Herzigova, Rachel Hunter, Brooke Burke, Amy

Acuff, Jamie Pressly, Shannon Elizabeth, Denise Richards - they are all

above-average women, but look like stoic death in their respective

pictorials - every one. I've never actually seen a picture of celebrity

in Playboy and been impressed.

The other gimmick that is employed periodically is the Girls

of... feature. This is where Playboy takes a hot topic brand and

scours it for the three employees who don't look like zoo animals (note

to Hef: Girls of Hot Topic). The frumpy, dumpy girls with

prereq man-jaw and overbites are placed on a set of unlicensed faux

branding of the popular company, and surrounded by the most cliched

one-liner puns imaginable ("...The steamy women of Starbucks

show us a latte love!" Zing!). I thought this was something

new - The girls of Enron, Starbucks, Walmart, et al, but a look back to

1982 shows Playboy's bleeding edge feature, Girls of Ma Bell!

I can't wait for the Girls of T-Mobile - a double feature of

homely Tennessee t-mobile chicks with superstar headline, Catherine

Zeta... good times.

 

After those half-dozen pages of the mag that actually feature girls,

Playboys really goes downhill. First, the witty quip you greet the

magazine with, "I only read it for the articles." Fag! Jesus fucking

christ, reading Playboy for the articles is like joining a frat for the

brotherhood! Yeah, the magazine is about as sexy as Levis ad, but if

you can't admit that you like to stare at tits then you don't deserve

to have a dick! Die already! I understand that at some point in a man's

life a woman comes along and places his cock in a secure lockbox under

her bed next to the Medicare, but seriously, who are these guys who

don't have enough spine to embrace labia, and do they know how

worthless their lives are? Beyond these boys being huge fags, they're

also complete imbeciles. Playboy has miserable articles! They're

fucking terrible and the only people whom think they're good are

fratboys and sycophantic ass-pony corporate drones who think a wild

time is hitting up a Happy Hour brewski and Bloomin' Onion at Chili's

with the guys in Mergers & Acquisitions. That 20 Questions with

Stevie Nicks was a real page-turner, and the Playboy guide to

meeting a Scientologist, Pulitzer material. The movie reviews are

stale, the comics are atrocious, and the various guides to being a

sophisticated man are fucking rubbish ("Dude, a girl will like totally

make out with you if you have a scented candle in your room - that lets

them know you're really romantic. And shhh! don't tell, but putting on

a Barry White CD totally lets her know that you're a sensitive guy").

If you need the watered down Playboy expose to tell you that there are

tragedies in Iraq, go kill yourself. If you actually find Playboy

Advisor questions like, "Do girls like it when you go down on them?"

useful, go kill youself.

Then there's the worst of all - the greatest crime a magazine could

commit - the party pics page. Wow! Not only do you have to see

shrivel-dick Hefner with his seven goldbricking prostitutes every other

picture, but you also have to look at the likes of Gene Simmons, Fred

Durst, and Verne Troyer, getting squished between mammoth juggies

because in some alternate universe they are considered celebrities.

It's bad enough that ditzy sluts will fuck a three foot tall failed

abortion because he was in a movie with Mike Meyers, but do we really

have to parade their dirty trysts around like bobo the goddamn circus

clown? Aren't we better than that?

 

Playboy is a case study for success through mediocrity. It proves that

if you take 184 pages of garbage and lace it with eleven nipples and

five or six vulvas you can be a millionaire. My plea to the readers of

Playboy is simple - grow a fucking sac and punch the clown to

the real shit, like girls fisting dudes, or preteen bukkake. If you've

got some bullshit chip on your shoulder about tasteful pictures, then

pick up a copy of Vogue, or BlackBook or

Surface where you can see pictures that are actually tasteful

of girls who are actually attractive... and you can read the articles

while you pee sitting down... homo.

So it's 2010, bitches! It's a brand new decade!

And what was the best thing about the 00's? It was all about Pop Icons!

 

But what's the best part of it? Their rise, the glamour or their fall?

 

Pop vs. R'nB, Lady GaGa, iPods, Obama, retrofuturism and reality TV.

Celebs vs. Paps, sextapes, rehabs, DUIs and my personal favorite: CELEBRITY MUGSHOTS!

 

Happy New Year (:

 

---------------

 

Viramos a década!

E o que foi mais aconteceu nos anos '00? Tudo virou Ícone Pop!

 

Ascensão, glamurização e queda! Não sei escolher a melhor parte!

 

Lady GaGa, iPods, Pop vs. R'n'B, Obama, retrofuturismo e reality shows.

Paparazzis vs. Celebridades, rehabs, sextapes, dórgas e o melhor de tudo: MUGSHOTS DE SOCIALITES!

 

Feliz Ano Novo!