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I really fucking hate Playboy magazine. Seriously... At best it's the
Jay Leno of softcore - clearly the most popular of its kind,
but completely banal and without even a semblance of interesting
content. If Jay Leno is the epitome of comedy but will never make you
laugh aloud, so is Playboy is synonymous with porn, but will never
really get your dick hard. It's a banal, uncontroversial waste of print
that on its best days uses celeb cameos in formulaic photo spreads to
move product, but more often relies on sycophantic pandering to pop
news references as filler between the seven pages of naughty bits that
are facsimiles of the pictures that pictures that have filled those
spots for the past fiftyish years.
A generous stranger recently handed down a box of the past two years of
Playboy along with the corresponding two years of
Lucky Magazine. I would be more likely to rub one out
to the Lucky at this point. First, as I said, there are about fifteen
pictures per magazine of tit & bush - that's less than I would see on a
single TGP link, and even less than I would see in a European fashion
or photography magazine. Maybe excusable if the pictures were hot, but
they're literally regurgitation of the same photos that have appeared
in the magazine every month since Marilyn graced the cover! I'm not
some queen who kvetches about models not being a realistic
representation of women in this world - I think I would puke out of my
eye sockets after seeing 95% of the women in this world naked - but
that the compositions, sets, lighting, and props haven't changed is
nothing short of tedious. I have a few antique Playboys from the early
1980s sitting on my desk, and right now I am looking at a photo of
Lynda Weismeier that is identical - down to the panties - of a shot of
Camila Decesare that was printed in the magazine a few months ago. It's
amazing how the magazine has so thoroughly mechanized the process of
nude photography - most of the time it doesn't even matter if the girl
is blonde ore brunette because after a few kilos of makeup, about a
dozen CTO gelled hotlights, and a visit to the frisky fingers of the AD
photoshop intern, pretty much every photo of every girl looks
identical... When I see a Playboy photo spread, I see tedium, I see
stasis... I see bales of hay and sometimes a fleetside chevy pickup or
a whimsical french bicycle.
Sometimes the magazine does depart from the monotony of tightpussy
midwesterners to showcase a C-List celebrity muff, but exciting as it
seems to check out a Wrestlemania chick's monster box five years after
anyone on the planet thought she was even remotely hot, the pictures
are always a huge letdown. First, the talent - they're like the
mid-80s sitcom stars and band members that come to your local
white-trash strip mall ribbon cutting - they're hardly famous, you hate
their work, but because they did something somewhere a long time ago
that was recorded, you cream your cortas at the oppertunity to see them
because for the next thirty years of your miserable life, you can tell
your kids and coworkers and friends all about the time you met Rerun
from Whats Happening (RIP Fred Berry). That's what the
"celebs" who pose for Playboy are like. But beyond that, the pictures
are horrid! Either the women being shot are
clothes-on-attractive (think Kelly Ripa, or your friend's mom
that you wanted to bang in 7th grade - a fine piece of ass in a tank
top and casual slacks, but jawbreaker when the panties drop), or are
actually hot, but are shot with the most unflattering poses /
expressions imaginable. Eva Herzigova, Rachel Hunter, Brooke Burke, Amy
Acuff, Jamie Pressly, Shannon Elizabeth, Denise Richards - they are all
above-average women, but look like stoic death in their respective
pictorials - every one. I've never actually seen a picture of celebrity
in Playboy and been impressed.
The other gimmick that is employed periodically is the Girls
of... feature. This is where Playboy takes a hot topic brand and
scours it for the three employees who don't look like zoo animals (note
to Hef: Girls of Hot Topic). The frumpy, dumpy girls with
prereq man-jaw and overbites are placed on a set of unlicensed faux
branding of the popular company, and surrounded by the most cliched
one-liner puns imaginable ("...The steamy women of Starbucks
show us a latte love!" Zing!). I thought this was something
new - The girls of Enron, Starbucks, Walmart, et al, but a look back to
1982 shows Playboy's bleeding edge feature, Girls of Ma Bell!
I can't wait for the Girls of T-Mobile - a double feature of
homely Tennessee t-mobile chicks with superstar headline, Catherine
Zeta... good times.
After those half-dozen pages of the mag that actually feature girls,
Playboys really goes downhill. First, the witty quip you greet the
magazine with, "I only read it for the articles." Fag! Jesus fucking
christ, reading Playboy for the articles is like joining a frat for the
brotherhood! Yeah, the magazine is about as sexy as Levis ad, but if
you can't admit that you like to stare at tits then you don't deserve
to have a dick! Die already! I understand that at some point in a man's
life a woman comes along and places his cock in a secure lockbox under
her bed next to the Medicare, but seriously, who are these guys who
don't have enough spine to embrace labia, and do they know how
worthless their lives are? Beyond these boys being huge fags, they're
also complete imbeciles. Playboy has miserable articles! They're
fucking terrible and the only people whom think they're good are
fratboys and sycophantic ass-pony corporate drones who think a wild
time is hitting up a Happy Hour brewski and Bloomin' Onion at Chili's
with the guys in Mergers & Acquisitions. That 20 Questions with
Stevie Nicks was a real page-turner, and the Playboy guide to
meeting a Scientologist, Pulitzer material. The movie reviews are
stale, the comics are atrocious, and the various guides to being a
sophisticated man are fucking rubbish ("Dude, a girl will like totally
make out with you if you have a scented candle in your room - that lets
them know you're really romantic. And shhh! don't tell, but putting on
a Barry White CD totally lets her know that you're a sensitive guy").
If you need the watered down Playboy expose to tell you that there are
tragedies in Iraq, go kill yourself. If you actually find Playboy
Advisor questions like, "Do girls like it when you go down on them?"
useful, go kill youself.
Then there's the worst of all - the greatest crime a magazine could
commit - the party pics page. Wow! Not only do you have to see
shrivel-dick Hefner with his seven goldbricking prostitutes every other
picture, but you also have to look at the likes of Gene Simmons, Fred
Durst, and Verne Troyer, getting squished between mammoth juggies
because in some alternate universe they are considered celebrities.
It's bad enough that ditzy sluts will fuck a three foot tall failed
abortion because he was in a movie with Mike Meyers, but do we really
have to parade their dirty trysts around like bobo the goddamn circus
clown? Aren't we better than that?
Playboy is a case study for success through mediocrity. It proves that
if you take 184 pages of garbage and lace it with eleven nipples and
five or six vulvas you can be a millionaire. My plea to the readers of
Playboy is simple - grow a fucking sac and punch the clown to
the real shit, like girls fisting dudes, or preteen bukkake. If you've
got some bullshit chip on your shoulder about tasteful pictures, then
pick up a copy of Vogue, or BlackBook or
Surface where you can see pictures that are actually tasteful
of girls who are actually attractive... and you can read the articles
while you pee sitting down... homo.
So it's 2010, bitches! It's a brand new decade!
And what was the best thing about the 00's? It was all about Pop Icons!
But what's the best part of it? Their rise, the glamour or their fall?
Pop vs. R'nB, Lady GaGa, iPods, Obama, retrofuturism and reality TV.
Celebs vs. Paps, sextapes, rehabs, DUIs and my personal favorite: CELEBRITY MUGSHOTS!
Happy New Year (:
Viramos a década!
E o que foi mais aconteceu nos anos '00? Tudo virou Ícone Pop!
Ascensão, glamurização e queda! Não sei escolher a melhor parte!
Lady GaGa, iPods, Pop vs. R'n'B, Obama, retrofuturismo e reality shows.
Paparazzis vs. Celebridades, rehabs, sextapes, dórgas e o melhor de tudo: MUGSHOTS DE SOCIALITES!
Feliz Ano Novo!