What a Way to Start the Day

I had just woken up and left my friend's place when I stop to relieve myself on a bush. As usual, I try to be discreet, making sure there is nobody around and turning away from the street before going about my business. I notice a black car drive by and figure it's a police car after seeing the 18 antennas sticking out of the back of it, but I think nothing of it. I finish up, cross the street, and get into my car to drive home.


"You! Get out of the car!" guy cop yells after his unmarked police car pulls a quick u-turn and screeches to a halt right in front of me. He hops out of his car and points his finger at me.


I slowly get out of the car and close the door behind me.


"Put your hands on the hood!" guy cop yells, still pointing his finger. I gently place my keys on the hood so as to not scratch it and only touch the hood with my fingertips since it is quite dirty.


Guy cop berates me for being offensive to the general public. "You think it's OK to urinate in public like that?" guy cop asks.




"You think the female officer riding with me or anyone else needs to see that?" he asks.


"No," I reply. Annoyed.


"Have a seat right there on the curb." So I sat down. Looking up, I could see that guy cop is playing with the strap that holds one of his two guns in its holster.


"I need your license or ID," guy cop says. Girl cop walks over to collect it and then returns to the car to do cop stuff.


"What made you think that urinating in public was OK? Why did you do it?" I could sense that guy cop wanted me to grovel or was digging for an apology of some sort. I searched for the response that was most likely to end the conversation.


"It was a bad judgment call," I said. The morning sun was too strong for my tired eyes, so I rubbed them a little bit.


"Were you drinking last night?" guy cop asks.




"How many did you have?"


"Maybe three drinks." I rubbed my eyes again.


"I think you probably had more than three drinks, didn't you?"


"No. Three drinks." More annoyed. Why do cops always have to have an attitude?


"Well, you're a criminal, now," guy cop says. "This is going to go on your criminal record. I'm also going to run a PBT test on you to make sure you're OK to drive."




Just then, another unmarked police car pulls up. Guy cop asks girl cop #2 to park sideways so as to block the street and stop traffic. Probably a good move. They wouldn't want me sprinting into traffic and peeing on everyone.


Girl cop returns with some paperwork and begins to explain stuff.


"Here's your citation," girl cop says. "You have to go to the court date indicated on the citation. You'll probably have to pay a small fine. Do you understand?"




"Do you understand?" asks girl cop again, obviously thinking I am retarded.


"Yes." Pissed. So to speak.


Guy cop returns from the car. "You can stand up now," he says. He prepares his PBT device for me to blow into.


"Get your hands out of your pockets!" girl cop screams at me. Hands come flying out of pockets and into the air and slowly fall back to my sides. Good thing, because at that moment, I was reaching for my penis so I could pee on her.


Guy cop presents his little plastic toy with a white straw sticking out of it. "I need you to breath into this to measure your alcohol content. Breathe hard."


I breathe hard. I was curious what number the device came up with, but he didn't show me and I didn't feel like asking him. It was obviously low enough.


With a click, guy cop dispenses the straw onto the street. And leaves it there. Littering. "You're OK to go," he says.


According to Arlington Country Code, urination in public is a Class 1 misdemeanor, which is the worst kind of misdemeanor. Equivalent to a DUI. Peeing on a bush is as serious an offense as drunk driving. I am subject to a maximum of 12 months in jail and a maximum $2500 fine (at the judge's mercy on my court date). Good news is that I went back and found the straw that the cop dispensed onto the street, so that might be evidence against his professionalism.


To be honest, I never thought peeing on a bush was a big deal. I figured it happens so frequently that if a cop ever saw me, he/she would just tell me to stop and move along the same way they way they yell at people if they loiter. I've never thought twice about it. If I had known the ridiculous penalty around here, I obviously would not have done what I did.


The response from friends has been interesting. Some are horrified that I got the ticket. Others are horrified that I peed outside. Come on. What guy hasn't? Three of my guy friends who I sent this to peed outside YESTERDAY.


Pee contains nitrogen which is good for plants. I should be thanked.


UPDATE (10/24/2008): Got a lawyer for $500 and went into court with my Breathalyzer straw, ready to duke it out, only to find out that the cop who gave me the citation has resigned. I like to think that he was asked to resign for being such a dickhead. In any case, the ticket was dismissed, and I am a free man!

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Taken on August 24, 2008