F.B.I _Most Wanted_

What can I say I was arrested by the F.B.I (Flickr Bureau of Investigation) and thrown in prison for a week.

I was charged with

● Impersonating a proper photographer

● Posting pictures of myself on flickr, which caused distress to others

● Being an obstruction to low flying aircraft due to my height

The FBI have been watching me for a while apparently and using 600mm lenses to stay hidden.

They grew suspicious after looking at my pictures 199,000 times but wondered how I reached over 200,000 views.

Anyway I was interrogated at Flickr headquarters in San Francisco, they wanted to know how I got into Explore without using pictures of nails and nail varnishes, teddies, dolls with button eyes, dolls with large breasts, pictures with bokeh and oof shots.

I didn't crack even after 20 hours of lamps in my face down in the basement so they transferred me to flickr Penitentiary.

They chloroformed me for the 10 minute journey across the road, I woke up a few hours later in my cell but damn that chloroform stuff really makes your bottom hurt.

Flickr Penitentiary was one hell of a scary experience especially as I shared a cell with Mr Big.

Mr Big was great for getting stuff, and I mean the hard stuff, I'm talking about class 10 cards none of this class 4 crap, the read and write times of the class 10 stuff sent me dizzy and on a high helping me to get through this horrible experience.

The Penitentiary was separated into groups I was in the Nikon group called the Nikon Bad boys then there was the Canon group called the 'L' class maulers and it was these two groups who ruled the place.

Another group was formed of smaller groups to make them stronger, they contained Sony, Pentax and Fuji and thanks to their combined numbers they where 10 strong.

Then you had the bridge camera and compact camera group, everyone just felt sorry for them, at night when it was really quiet you could hear them crying themselves to sleep, only if they spent a bit more on a proper camera.

The last group was the film users who were lifers, they had been in there forever.

The film users walked around like mindless zombies talking to pigeons and the walls telling them how digital is the work of the Devil and how you can't beat breathing in the fumes of film chemicals. They also ran the library bringing photography books to our cells on a trolley.

You are probably wondering how I got the scar on my face well I was mopping the corridor along the cells when three Canon users came round the corner and grabbed me.

Two held me down whilst the other one threatened me, he must have been a 5D MKIII owner as he looked like the boss and was very confident, the two apes looked like 550d owners to me, just following orders as they lacked the proper equipment.

Boss man told me to stay out of Explore if I knew what was good for me then slashed my face with what looked like a sharpened class 10 sdhc card attached to a toothbrush.

I was in the infirmary for the rest of the day with a nasty scar for my troubles.

Not long after I was released on bail thanks to my lawer a very famous landscape photographer who really knows what he's talking about, very knowledgeable and methodical.

Thanks to my lawer I also got the the set up used by the FBI for my police mugshot.


Taken With

►Nikon D300s

►Nikon 16-85 @45mm

►Tripod + Cable Release

►Elemental Ultra Pro 600 studio lamp with 42 inch Beauty Dish + Honeycomb cover

►2x Jessops 360 AFD flashguns

►Yongnuo RF-602 trigger + receivers


I was really impressed with their equipment and how they used it.

The elemental lamp was to the side of the camera and pointing down at my face and set at 1/2 power, the honeycomb cover helped to channel the light at my face.

1x flashgun was placed behind me pointing at the wall and set at 1/4 power.

1X flashgun was placed in the same position as the main lamp but lower down and set at 1/8 power to add light to the mugshot board.

All fired off camera using Yongnuo RF-602 trigger + receivers.


Thanks for reading about my experience and press 'L' on your keyboard to view this prisoner on black.

Now I'm out I will try and pop past your streams soon.


P.s anyone who reads this, leaves a comment, adds this as a fav, is a contact or just visits out of curiosity is now an accessory to the charges and will be subject to investigation by the FBI.

Perhaps I should have told you that at the begining Doh !

  • tony babcock 3y

    That was a wonderful read !!!! oh man .. I am wiping the tears out of my eyes from laughing !!! You are also brought up on charges of making Explore without taking a picture of your cell phone on a table with lots of bokeh. Yes I am in the Canon gang ... guess I will go back to work making Filter plates for others. Got a new cell mate who was brought in for making one word comments and favs on peoples photostreams in order to make EXPLORE !! Such a sad tale ..
  • Jonathan Taylor 3y

    Brilliant! I did like the bit about the chloroform the best...made me LOL! And it's a great selfie to go with it. Great work Simon. I hope you're now getting everything sorted at home and that your daughter is feeling better.
  • Paul Wynn-Mackenzie 3y

    hahaha brilliant description, certainly different to most!

    Love the joke about the Sony users, we are small group but we stand strong!! haha. But the bit about bridge cameras is ace lol
  • jo asia 3y

    you are not only a great photographer ,you are as well great story writer ! no wonder that I keep coming back for more.. :)
  • Phil Petrie 3y

    PHEW , What else can be said about your unfair arrest , the look of disbelief on your face tells it all , but Im glad that you are now back home amongst friends , for it must have been one hell of an experience for you , you take care now , Phil
  • PhotoJunket 3y

    LOl, excellent ;-)
  • SandyK29 PRO 3y

    Hahaha. Great photo and story!!
  • Klaus Greipel PRO 3y

    Hehe, that's really cool Simon;-)
  • Fawaaz Nuzeebun PRO 3y

    haha cool!
  • SussexSnapper 3y

  • Yelitza Marie PRO 3y

    Probably one of the funniest descriptions I've ever read on Flickr! I have to say the FBI's lighting techniques are superb! I'm going to blame your roofers for reporting you. I'm sure they had something to do with it! And 9ft?! They must have used 20 people to capture you!
  • marin tomic 3y

    hehe fun shot
  • Andrew Brown 3y

    Simon, you're losing it :-)
    You involved yourself in 1 too many "Ore's" - stick to the chloroform, nothing better for giving you a kick up the arse (well maybe a Brighton Conductor)!

    Should be good for your next 100,00 views :-)
  • epica putro 3y

    LOL! love it!
  • j. cleveland 3y

  • looby d 3y

    It's official, the whole experience had left you damaged!
    Great story, thank for sharing it with us!!

    I love your work Simon . . . this is great!!
  • Martin Turner PRO 3y

    Ha brilliant - 9+ feet tall ... scary! :-) I am loving this series of shots! Have a great week ahead!
  • Simon James Foot 3y

    You had me in stitches with this shot and story Simon!
  • Linda Rowlinson PRO 3y

    Hilarious! I loved reading your story. You're a multi-talented guy, that's for sure!! ;-))
11 faves
Taken on March 15, 2012
  • 16.0-85.0 mm f/3.5-5.6
  • ƒ/11.0
  • 45.0 mm
  • 1/200
  • 200
  • Flash (off, did not fire)
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