that's not what I always promised.
and I’ve grown tired of remaining unchanged.
the way I promise myself to be “different tomorrow” every night as I lie awake in my soothing bed. the way I forget my lovely vows when the alarm rings to summon in a harsh new day. the way the day rushes on at such a daunting pace that all my energy and strength is consumed with making it through. and again, by the end of the day I’ve remained unchanged. I cannot seem to break away from this pattern. it’s almost as if I have no time for any actual thought processing until the evening hours, when the day is over and most opportunities already lost. I suppose it should be a simple enough thing to remember what one wants most to change about themselves, but the ticking of the clock is often too consuming for me to pay attention to such little details. there is no easy way about becoming something. everything takes time of course and there is no set date on changes. yet somehow it seems as if I could be taking ground in some way. that I might see growth in at least an area or two. and most days it feels as if I’m actually falling further and further backward in any gain I once made. is it just the busy days full of rushing and focusing and breathing, or is it something in my soul that has grown weary of always fighting so hard to be strong? have I truly lost the time, or have I simply lost the will? do my vows each night grow shorter, and my resolve weaker with each passed day? perhaps there is no blame for time, just blame for my lack of inspiration. I don’t know how I can want so terribly badly to be better... and yet live so completely unchanged. can you want something and not want it at the same time? and can it even be called desire if it does not drive you towards something instead of charging you to stay the same?
most of the time I find myself asking questions that simply do not have answers, or at least not easy ones. I hate that I can’t change that. but I can’t seem to change anything these days. and maybe I don’t even want to anymore. that’s sad. that’s lazy. that’s not what I always promised. but promises grow weak and wishes even weaker. and weak seems to be the best way to describe everything about me these days. and perhaps I don’t even want to be strong anymore. because weak is too easy and strong takes too much time. so tonight I’ll promise myself to be “different tomorrow” and tomorrow I probably won’t be. and I’ve grown tired of remaining unchanged. but I’ve grown tired of trying to, also.
seven. a February countdown series of writing and self-portraits.
and to get a glimpse into my life -
me and my mom had just been discussing how in lots of relationships, couples seem to look like eachother. this is the conversation that followed:
mom: most people just end up looking like their dogs.
me (while eating a caramel reeses blast from sonic): that’s only single people. but i’m gonna look like a cat. that way I won’t have wrinkles.
mom: I’ve seen cats with wrinkles.
me: only fat cats. I’m not gonna be fat.
mom (watching me spoon ice-cream into my mouth): says the girl eating ice-cream at 10:30 at night.
me: oh yeah. guess I didn’t really think that through...