Recently I was asked why my photography has taken such a dark turn to which I replied "because life hasn't been a sunny f*cking day for me lately." All the shiny/happy moments have been few and far between and all they seem to do is bring be down even lower due to one f*ck up or another on my part.
One of the reasons I have touched upon the topic of suicide is because it makes YOU uncomfortable. Yes....YOU! I'm not afraid of it nor am I afraid to talk about what everyone thinks about but doesn't have the balls to admit. If you say you've never thought about it, then you need to quit lying to yourself. I can flat out admit that I've pondered the concept of it, but honestly I've never seen it as an option. I figure there is more life to live, there's light at the end of the tunnel, this too shall pass.....(whatever overused saying you want to let your conscience throw in that statement to fill the void is fine.) I actually found that folder that I'm holding at a garage sale and thought it was quite humorous.
I have seriously felt pretty damn low over the past year, I've even tried to drink the pain away and all I found was the booze only numbs the pain for a couple hours, then it comes back with a vengeance of a f*cking hangover just to kick you in the ass all over again. I can't afford the time, the booze nor the tylenol to keep any of that up for long. I've found the best medicine is having an outlet such as photography to either distract you from your problems which worked for a while. Or using photography and writing to deal with the issues head on.
I've spent a majority of my life being fake happy for everyone on the outside. If you want fake happy, there's probably a group on flickr just for you. I'm planning on putting things out there that are real. So if you're disturbed by what you see or read here, you don't have to be here nor do you have to come back. I'm sure these dark times will eventually brighten up, but until they do I've come to the realization that I had better embrace the issue and learn from it while I'm living through it. I've already learned a lot of my triggers and have found solutions to get past some of them. You are welcome to keep coming back if you wish. As always, if you read all the way down to here I am honestly appreciative that you took the time to read all my thoughts for this post.
this was tonight's background music while I was editing and writing this post. it seems to be a repeating anthem lately.