She is here, my doppelgänger, and already more of a person than I am. And I? I am fading, fraying, graying, not yet gone but leaving quickly. To where? I can't tell. That would require definition.


"You shouldn't be afraid," she says, pulling a cigarette from a gold case in her purse. She offers me the smoke and waits for the briefest of moments before placing it between her own lips.


"Your loss," she shrugs, before taking a deep, long drag. Unfiltered. I turn away, feeling a phantom twinge of nostalgia in my undefined lungs, and I sense her eyes on me. She's playing -- she knows I've no taste for it anymore.


We exhale simultaneously, and the smoke hangs between us. Did some of that come from me?


"I was saying, you shouldn't be afraid. Letting go is not the end. It's becoming."


You don't understand, I want to say. I don't want to be you again, or never, or before. You're what I wanted to be, once, but now I want to be me. But it's too late. I haven't the strength, nor have I been able to speak for a very long time, now. I can only stare back at this, my past, my future.


She looks back through golden coils, like the signets scattered before Carthage -- a harbinger of doom.


I think, would it really be so bad?


And I know: one snip, one slip, and I unravel. The end.


I turn away once more, trying to ignore the weight of years of want. The sky is dark through the glass, deep and wet. A lost day, a day between days.


What do you do when you want to stop wanting?


(photo: Selva Morales)

  • C M 10y

    oh, doctor, I haven't been feeling well...
  • johannal 10y

    What do you do when you want to stop wanting?

    Indeed, it's tough to fight against wanting something so bad it just kills you to think about it. How terrible inner turmoil is. But one moves on. Wonderful capture and title!
  • nils_asdf 10y

  • Jan Tik 10y

    Well told. If you don't mind, please add this to the Story Time group.
  • Eden Politte 10y

    Thank you, Jan -- it's been added.

    johannal: it is! And thanks so much for reading.
  • Jan Tik 10y

    Thanks Selva, I do appreciate it. And thanks for your other contributions as well. I am eager to read them, as soon as I have a quiet moment :)
  • littlegoldpixel PRO 8y

    Hi, I'm an admin for a group called All You Need Is Love, and we'd love to have your photo added to the group.

    This photo would also be perfect for the contest that's going on. Please consider adding it to the thread!
  • ilieattruthordare PRO 7y

    Thanks for making this image available through Creative Commons! Thought you'd like to know I've included it in my found photos project Look Away here:
  • 6y

    Hi, I'm an admin for a group called Medicated, and we'd love to have this added to the group!
  • 6y

    Hi, I'm an admin for a group called Flickr Creative Commons, and we'd love to have this added to the group!
33 faves
Taken on March 29, 2005
  • ƒ/3.5
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