Fading Shadows in the Snow
January 5th, 2014 began calm and mild with a fresh blanket of snow about 5" deep and light flurries; we knew it wouldn't last. It didn't. By 1:30 I realized that I forgot to refill the propane tank for the portable heater, byt 3pm I was fishtailing into town in the 4wd jeepI have on loan, visibility by 4pm on my way home looked like this. That tree is about 50 yards in front of me, the telephone polls were fading out, the road pretty much gone. The State police are asking people to stay home Monday (ok by me), the list of closed things in our county is pages long, even General Motors shut down plants this evening. 2nd shift went home early, 3rd shit doesn't come in and first shift reports 4 hrs late... it looks like we're sitting about 14-15" last I checked and maybe another inch or two as it moves out. But the temperatures are falling fast. -9 actual temps tonight, then wind chills of -40and lower tomorrow, high winds, drifting, blowing. Very dangerous conditions across much of midwest.
Over Christmas my area got hit with the ice storm too. 3/4" of ice and over 400,000 homes without power in MI alone. I was one of the outages that went over 6 days...it was a nightmare inside the nightmare I am living right now already. No power, water, heat, one of the dogs is battling a brain hematoma and goes blind deaf and bad times loses smell too, my water main blew while I was at work the day power came back on by the time I got home I had over 6" of water flowing under my trailer and an oil gyser type eruption blasting the underside of my house. I wrenched my back trying to move things, ended up in spasms, had to stay the night with ladydragonfly (who had kept my dogs over xmas for me so I could be home...in the dark, single digit temps and ran out of propane xmas eve I just burrowed farther down in the pile of blankets. Then before I got home someone got my water main fixed but didn't realize faucets were open to release pressure, and my bathroom and hallway for about 6 hours. Had killer migraine couldn't even use shop vac cause spasms, ended up in yet another melt down of grief but this time I was hyper ventilating so hard I passed out. A blessing believe me. Then new years, my hot water heater froze just got that fixed last night but washer is out now too.
Ever since the accident I have just had nonstop shit piling down on me. I put on a "public face" when I have to deal with people go to work stuff like that, but inside I am a complete basket case and have to fight to make it through each day. They say that will ease up eventually... months? years? who knows it's different for everyone...but you don't 'get over it'. I lost 26lbs in the first 5 weeks, could not keep anyything down. Now it's a matter of forcing myself to eat to not loose anymore and try to keep my health up, especially the kidneys...hit under 40% function with both and freaked dr out. So now I have to force myself to take breaks from grieving, my kidneys take me down hard and I have to fight to distract myself and you can't imagine how hard that is. I've had constant stream of tears rolling for about 4 hrs now, not the hard racking sobs, it's the twist your heart and gut deep ache, longing, lonely kind...I am damn near on a first name basis with the suicide hotline. Yes it is that bad, but I am doing everything I can to keep going some days it's minute by minute, some hour by hour, haven't quite hit day by day level yet, but am making progress. People around me telling me they are so proud that I am so strong cause all the crap (mind you the above was just one week...) keeps dumping on me. I look them in the eye and tell them I am not doing good, I am just really good at the pretend face. This has been the hardest battle I have ever fought and it sucks beyond because I have no desire to win but am forced to keep trying. I know I will find things to enjoy as time goes on, but my level of enjoyment has been decapitated. I just don't look forward to living out the rest of my life, but I will do it anyway for as long as I can.
I really want to pick up my camera again but I can't figure out how to work it...seriously, my mind is screwed up. They told me I have PSTD symptoms on top of the grief. That just complicates everything more for me... I could continue to whine about all the crap but this has been lonbg enough and I probably lost you long time ago.
I am so worn out I can't even go through and comment or post in pools... I hope you guys can hang in there with me as I work through this, I'm trying hard as I can to come back....