Rick Santorum on stage at CPAC 2011

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    1. VEB Zardoz the Gravyboat 39 months ago | reply

      Senator Rick,
      I know that you're a man with a deep reserve of Christian understanding and compassion, so I was hoping you could give me some advice, and perhaps practical assistance with a predicament I have gotten myself into, though not just because of my own stupidity, as I'll explain.

      I am a happily married man, with eight children, a staunch Conservative Republican, and am a devout Catholic like you, but I'm afraid I've strayed from the path of righteousness.
      Fourteen months ago we hired a 15 year old mulatto housemaid from Haiti named Helene, the way one does, to do 100% of the work around the house, and look after my eight kids who we home-school.

      Well... she's a very attractive girl! And almost immediately after she moved into the cellar, she started using the evil power of Voodoo to tempt me into a ravenous sexual relationship, and now she tells me she's 12 weeks pregnant, and is expecting my baby.

      I went to confessional with my local priest, Father O'Malley, to get some advice and chastisement, but he said he could only help me out if Helene was a fifteen year old boy, so what I need to know from you is:

      A) Do the stringent anti-abortion rules of our faith apply when one has become a victim of witchcraft?

      B) If not, can you give me the phone number of that Philadelphia abortionist guy Tim Allen, who your wife Karen was a live-in moll for, for about 6 years, and maybe get her to negotiate a reduction in fees for disposing of this Spawn of Satan which now threatens my marriage. That's if Allen is still in the abortion racket, as I believe he must be about 95 years old by now, right? Also, I may need a good exorcist, and I reckon you're the go-to guy on that one too, huh?

      I would get in touch with the INS or Homeland Security and get Helene slung-out of the country back to Haiti, which would be the sensible move I suppose, as she's illegal of course ($4 a day and a plate of left-overs to eat, for doing all the houseworkwork, plus all the great sex you can handle!), but I don't want any publicity like what happened to that french guy who worked for the IMF.

      So if you and Karen can help me out on this one, you can count on my vote for you to make Pres' next November.

      GOD BLESS AMERICA!

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