A touch of blue

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    Inspired by Spigrrl's 365 photo today, just feeling a bit down at the moment, home alone this evening thinking depressing thoughts.

    Work is getting me down at the moment - I haven't really done anything useful or productive for several months now and I'm uncertain as to what I'll be doing in the future. I don't know whether to go or stay. I want to make a difference, I want to deliver awesomeness but I'm feeling very much out of control like I have no influence and will soon be completely out of the picture. It's depressing, having invested several years into this project to then not be able to see it through to completion.

    Also for the last 8 years I've been experiencing some heart problems - and over the past week it's been pretty full on with episodes several times a day - it's scaring me. Off to see the doctor tomorrow and then probably a cardiologist sometime in the next month or so; I'm hoping that it's all nothing, but I fear it's something serious. In the context of what I've been through in my life and what happened last year doesn't give me much confidence. I'm feeling a bit hopeless, drifting ... I don't know what's going to happen. It's only a precautionary measure, but even filling out the EPA form yesterday made me sad, made me think "dead end" stuff. Might as well go do a will while I'm at it.

    It's just a temporary blue - I'll get through it soon I'm sure, especially with my awesome girlfriend by my side, supporting me - nonetheless while I'm still in this slump it's a bit hard. I don't feel like doing anything. Not even cooking dinner.

    1. d_A_v_E_ 60 months ago | reply

      Good luck! I can relate to the work problem, sometimes we need to realise as important as work is it isn't everything.

      Maybe a holiday...

    2. laRuth 60 months ago | reply

      *hugs*

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    3. NathanaelB 60 months ago | reply

      Thanks Dave. Unfortunately I love what I do, and when I'm working on something that I've been given the freedom to really apply my skills, experience and professionalism to there's no stopping me. It stops being a job at that point. But sitting at my desk for 8 hours doing mundane navel-gazing ... then it is just a job, and more draining than working my arse off.

    4. katska 60 months ago | reply

      You have had a big year, with your old support networks gone, events like this will be harder & seem bigger. Know you still rock :) and that we, your friends, are here for you. If you need a change of scene any time come visit, a walk in the fresh mountain air always helps.

    5. Spigrrl 60 months ago | reply

      I'm happy to have inspired you, but sad that it was because you too are having a blue day ...
      I know how you feel about wanting to deliver awesomeness - that alone is what is keeping me going through these hard economic times. I wonder every day if I made the right choice in buying my shop .. if I can do it justice, if I can pull through and pay my bills when the customers fail to come through the door.
      I hope your health improves - try not to stress or worry about things. Rest and try to stay optimistic.
      Take care Nathanael - the blue will pass, I'm sure x

    6. Allyeska 60 months ago | reply

      You have had a year with more stressors than most people would experience in a lifetime. Its no wonder you feel drained and empty! Healing is a process, and you're on your way! A holiday, a house, moving in with your awesome gf ;) ... things are on the up baby :) And happy to kick you up the arse whenever you need a boot :)

    7. NathanaelB 60 months ago | reply

      Went to the doctor today. Stethoscope reported a soft systolic murmur, ECG reported I have right bundle branch block. Neither of these two things are major health concerns but also neither of them could be the cause for the health palpitations and other symptoms I've been experiencing - so I have to wait till June to get the Holter monitor and diagnosis. Fingers crossed!

    8. stefanc7 60 months ago | reply

      Hi, I'm an admin for a group called Human Emotions, and we'd love to have this added to the group!

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