A touch of blue
Inspired by Spigrrl's 365 photo today, just feeling a bit down at the moment, home alone this evening thinking depressing thoughts.
Work is getting me down at the moment - I haven't really done anything useful or productive for several months now and I'm uncertain as to what I'll be doing in the future. I don't know whether to go or stay. I want to make a difference, I want to deliver awesomeness but I'm feeling very much out of control like I have no influence and will soon be completely out of the picture. It's depressing, having invested several years into this project to then not be able to see it through to completion.
Also for the last 8 years I've been experiencing some heart problems - and over the past week it's been pretty full on with episodes several times a day - it's scaring me. Off to see the doctor tomorrow and then probably a cardiologist sometime in the next month or so; I'm hoping that it's all nothing, but I fear it's something serious. In the context of what I've been through in my life and what happened last year doesn't give me much confidence. I'm feeling a bit hopeless, drifting ... I don't know what's going to happen. It's only a precautionary measure, but even filling out the EPA form yesterday made me sad, made me think "dead end" stuff. Might as well go do a will while I'm at it.
It's just a temporary blue - I'll get through it soon I'm sure, especially with my awesome girlfriend by my side, supporting me - nonetheless while I'm still in this slump it's a bit hard. I don't feel like doing anything. Not even cooking dinner.