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Gayheart | by newneonunion
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Gayheart

My friend Bryan and i were bored and decided over a series of emails to imagine what ol Mel might be up to next, post Apocalypto success... and then I got the overwhelming urge to draw mel gibson and the lot. And so it was.

 

Feel like reading? Good.

 

 

 

It’s been a wild 2006 ride, but poor Mel Gibson can’t seem to catch a break. He goes out and creates the moviefilm to end all moviefilms – murky Mayan languages, relentless jaguar action, and the stunning fall of a savage civilization – and yet he still won’t get a sniff of Oscar if Hollywood heavyweights get their way. Drunk with green after his hit ‘Passion of the Christ’ and eager to stay away from the Jack Daniels, he’s better off just burying himself in the business of making more moviefilms. That’s why his Icon Entertainment is already elbow deep in the collection basket and scouting locations for the ‘Redemption of the Mel’. We uncovered an internal memo of projects now on the board. Here’s what we found:

 

Gayheart

 

The long-awaited musical sequel to the classic ‘Braveheart.’ Starring Nathan Lane and Matthew Broderick, the film follows the adventures of Robert the Bruce’s kilted troops, their precedent-setting ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’ policy and how they fought, sang and danced their way to winning Scottish freedom. William Wallace’s spirit hovers over the battlefield directing troops on to the gayest triumph of the Medieval era.

 

Mad Mel 2: If I was anti-semitic, this is what I said

 

Considered by some his true confession, Mel presents this “hypothetical” reenactment of his ‘alleged” greatest hits with the Malibu police. Includes heart-stopping car chases, epic monologues, and comprehensive cavity searches. Filmed in slur with English subtitles.

 

Apocalypso

 

A heart-stopping mythic action-adventure set against the turbulent end times of a once-great Bahamas cruise ship calypso band. When a teetotalling honeymooner (Mel, of course) finds his idyllic existence brutally disrupted by a drunken rendition of ‘Day-O’, he is taken on a perilous journey to a world ruled by fear, oppression, and Anna-Nicole Smith, and where a harrowing end awaits.

 

Nuns on the Run VIII

 

Mel teams up with Michael Richards (a.k.a. Kramer) to don habits and play for laughs as they flee the media, paparazzi, Al Sharpton, the Anti-Defamation League, Sinbad, Lenny Kravitz and an entire crew of currently out-of-work Wayans and Baldwins.

 

 

 

 

 

The Fashion of the Christ

 

Mel presents the fabulous fads of the Biblical Era. Hear his take on the Mary’s cutting edge “thou shalt not fornicate” henna tattoo and his compelling story of how abstinence and low-slung toga belts became instant classics among the Holy Land’s teens. Extra features include Mel’s “What Not to be Caught Dead In” Crucifashion Guide and advice on how to accessorize pink leotards during on-stage crucifixions.

 

What Men Want Women to Want

 

Mel plays an aging actor imparting the hypnotic pick-up secrets of Scientology to the young students of a quiet, little pissant, redneck, podunk, jerk-water, green-horn, one-horse… Moooun-taaaain Toowwwwn! Follow his couch-hopping antics as he sweeps the ladies off their feet and whisks them away for a wonderful life of silent births, helicopter no-fly zones and L. Ron Hubbard conventions.

 

Lethal 3oz. Weapon

 

Mel gets unhinged again as Danny Glover looks helplessly on. When a group of terrorists led by Samuel L. Jackson set barbarous stingrays loose on a Hooters Air Toledo to Vegas flight, Mel quickly mixes up a deadly concoction from various TSA-approved 3 oz. liquids in their quart-size, zip-top, clear plastic bags that will save the flight and avenge all tragic stingray deaths. Crikey!

 

 

 

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Taken on December 9, 2006