143 reasons why..........it's you
I have hate for this. I can’t be there and you won’t be here, so instead I sit here and drink cheap wine. I fear for saying these thoughts so I leave them here in my head and let them smolder, burning me. I find it hard to just be. Holding you close in my arms when no one was there at night but me in my bed. And now, I feel your absence even when you were there. Words like love, and time, and safe, were always there on my loaded breath yet never escaped for fear of having them fall on the wind and be carried away to where I didn’t want them to go. Landing on deaf ears, like the pier in winter sitting helpless without a wake. I refuse to break. I refuse to give in. like playing on the safe side so I won’t get hurt, too afraid to walk on the sidewalk leaving an avenue in the front yard. The secrets that were kept, were meant for no one, so now I am standing, wanting, lacking, and the wind blowing my hair, bringing my words back at my face.
I love you feels like a sting, time feels like sandpaper, and safe feels like a weight pressing against my throat. Forget seems like an easy path to take, but the companion along that road is regret. What could I have done, that would not have been a mistake, not met you, not felt you? Be left empty… And where is that. Mere words, left unspoken, dreams, left in bed, and a child left without an opportunity to grow…or words spoken, breathed, glimpsed, and allowed to be known. The child is grown, the dream is gone. But, at the very least there is the memory of a time, a person, a moment. I have love for that.