365.37 - Apology
Day Thirty-Seven: January 18th, 2007.
I received this apology note in the mail on Tuesday but I've been re-reading it all week long and really absorbing it today. It's from a person who has hurt me very deeply, someone I never expected to hear from again.
When I first caught a glance of it in my mailbox, I was devastated and furious at the same time. I thought that she was just trying to drive the knife in a little deeper or that she sent it simply to rid herself of her own guilty conscience.
This was the front of the note. The details of the apology I'll keep to myself. It was short and sweet and right to the point.
I had a feeling something like this was about to happen. Somehow I knew it was coming. I just didn't know how I'd react or what it'd do to me.
I have a lot of experience with apologizing. I have a lot of experience with forgiveness. Maybe I say I'm sorry too often to others. Maybe I accept apologies too easily. Maybe both of those are just flaws of my character. I don't know.
All I know is... after my initial reaction wore off, I felt myself emotionally drained. And I felt like I needed to accept the apology. Not for her sake. For mine. I needed to be able to forgive her in order to close the door on the past and move on.
It doesn't mean I'm not still terribly upset with her. It certainly doesn't alleviate any of the pain she caused me. I want to believe that it's genuine and that she really is sorry for the mistakes and the lies and the games she's played with my head.
I want to believe that because I want to still be able to believe in her a little bit. I want to be able to believe in the good things I saw in her, the things that made me fall in love in the first place. I want to believe that despite the extreme hurt she's caused me, that deep down some tiny part of her really does care about me.
I guess what it all comes down to is this.
I don't know how NOT to forgive someone who asks for it.
It's hard to take that step and ask for forgiveness. It requires an incredible amount of courage. And I respect that.
The apology doesn't change everything but it does help to slowly move past the hate that had been building up in my heart for the past month.
Things will never be the same between us. We'll never be as close as we once were. I don't think I'll ever fully be able to trust her. And I don't really know what kind of friendship, if any, can emerge from the emotional turmoil of the past year.
An apology is a good start though.