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Lindsay, Will You Marry Me? | by lorenzodom
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Lindsay, Will You Marry Me?

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Why Can’t A Woman Be More Like A Man?

 

“I want to get married before I’m 30.”

-Lindsay Lohan, InStyle Magazine, October, 2006 –

 

Oh, boy.

 

Here we go again.

 

Just the other day I was sitting and sipping and chatting, having a beer with my dear-dear friend and art dealer, Michele, when we started talking about one of the holy grails of life—“relationships.”

 

I don’t recall now, nor did I recall then, but for some good reason I had realized an epiphany earlier in the day, I had realized that everyone’s looking for love—in the wrong way.

 

We’ve got it all messed up. For we’re putting the cart before the horse, the wagon before the mule, love before the damned fool. For ultimately, people fall in love with people, not their ideals.

 

"One should always be in love. That is the reason one should never marry."

- A Woman of No Importance, Oscar Wilde -

 

In other words, we’re placing the institution, the tradition, the ideal, before the person that we’re futilely seeking to fulfill these intangibles.

 

Any quick perusal of the personals will find platitudes like:

 

“I’m looking for a LTR (Long Term Relationship).”

“I want to get married before I’m 30.”

“I want a committed relationship.”

 

Although there surely ain’t nothing wrong with pursuing perfection per se, actually expecting it is another matter entirely.

 

A long time ago, there was a man by the name of Plato. This guy was good friends with another guy named Socrates. Inspired by his good friend, Plato started his Academy, a school of philosophy, which, amongst other things, contemplated The Forms.

 

Over the years people took the theory underlying these ideals and fucked it all up, because ultimately a whole lot of people were convinced that these ideals could be manifest in the here and now, that somehow one might really find “the ideal other,” somewhere, at some point, during their brief stay on earth.

 

Alas, the archetypes we strive to ascertain are not really ascertainable in this world, if we adhere to the original line of thought as proposed 17 centuries ago. For Plato actually taught that these ideals were only truly possible once we died and were reunited with the form of whatever we idealized as mortals.

  

Professor Higgins:

Why can't a woman be more like a man?

Men are so honest, so thoroughly square;

Eternally noble, historically fair.

Who, when you win, will always give your back a pat.

Why can't a woman be like that?

Why does every one do what the others do?

Can't a woman learn to use her head?

Why do they do everything their mothers do?

Why don't they grow up, well, like their father instead?

 

Why can't a woman take after a man?

Men are so pleasant, so easy to please.

Whenever you're with them, you're always at ease.

 

Would you be slighted if I didn't speak for hours?

 

Colonel Pickering:

Of course not.

 

Professor Higgins:

Would you be livid if I had a drink or two?

 

Colonel Pickering:

Nonsense.

 

Professor Higgins:

Would you be wounded if I never sent you flowers?

 

Colonel Pickering:

Never.

 

Professor Higgins:

Well, why can't a woman be like you?

 

-A Hymn to Him (My Fair Lady), Lerner and Lowe –

  

If you’re looking for love don’t look to hire, don’t seek someone to fulfill a role or position in your life; pursue those things that interest you as an individual—be passionate about something and you just might find someone who will be passionate about you.

 

Then again, not that this advice has worked for me

 

Thus, I give in. Lindsay, I’ll marry you.

 

Just give me a few more years to accomplish a few things, and I think I should be available by 2016— when you’re turning thirty.

 

lorenzo

  

For, I'm gettin' married in the mornin'

Ding-dong the bells are gonna chime.

Kick up a rumpus, but don't lose the compass;

And get me to the church, get me to the church,

Be sure and get me to the church on time!

 

- Get Me to the Church (My Fair Lady), Lerner and Loewe -

 

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Uploaded on October 18, 2006