Experiments in Anger - You tell yourself

    Newer Older

    So you tell yourself, it was worth this misfortune, that patience had no place today. You tell yourself these things because you can feel that familiar throb begin to pulse inside you once again.

    The moment moves away, seconds into days, days into weeks. Still you tell yourself that you did what you had to, that you had to act when the moment arose. You tell yourself that when your back is against that cold wall that you must push back, push out against that divisive pressure. You tell yourself that to seek solace in reason or compromise is to seek succour from compliance and subjection. You tell yourself that it was you who trod the moral path and you whose actions were justified. You tell yourself these things no matter what you did. You tell yourself these things because you don't want to view it any other way.

    Time will not stop and your thoughts will not rest. Adrenaline and emotion are replaced by the steady click of cold rationality. Memory fits together a new reality, a less skewed, less favourable scene for you to review. You tell yourself you were controlled and precise but what you see is anxiety and agitation: jerking limbs and lashing words. You tell yourself that you were reasoned and logical but what you see is a stuttering monologue: blustering and stumbling over every word.

    That scene is no fiction, there is no theatre or drama in the acts that you see. So you tell yourself that it has passed. You tell yourself the moment is gone and the deed is done, that there is no looking back. You tell yourself that the emotion is a memory, that you no longer feel that pain. You tell yourself you're forgiven, that the days and the weeks have cleared your name. You tell yourself that what is unsaid is unfelt. You tell yourself these things because you feel the distance in their proximity and you cannot reach out. You tell yourself these things because you can hear the truth in every twitching joke, can feel what is known about all that you have done.

    You tell yourself these things even though you know nothing is forgotten, not by you and not by them. You tell yourself these things because you know that every set of eyes views a warped image of you. They see a portrait of arrogance and spite that is everything you were and nothing that you wish to be. You tell yourself these things because it is you who will view that image for the longest time. You tell yourself these things because it is you who will ache for every word that cracked your lips. It is you whose heart will stall when you look back on those seconds. You tell yourself these things but you know that every lost moment can be traced back to that constant thrum of regret. You tell yourself these things because it is that bruising, tireless hum that will scratch away at your patience until it all begins again.

    And when it does and when you have stumbled once again you will walk away and you will tell yourself that it was worth this misfortune. You will tell yourself that the higher ground was yours. That the fault for your cracking voice and sneering face lie somewhere else. You will tell yourself that you will not be woken in the earliest hours by that relentless beat. You will tell yourself that this time you will not regret a thing. You will tell yourself these things because you have seen the truth of every moment and ached through every day. You tell yourself these things because it is the regret that haunts you and the regret that kills you. You tell yourself these things because there is nothing else you can do.

    janevictoriaphotos, Kaoscube, Erna.., and 22 other people added this photo to their favorites.

    1. janevictoriaphotos 73 months ago | reply

      A very moving,haunting and beautiful photo.
      I really admire the honesty and intensity of feeling in this image,thus provoking a similar,if uncomfortable,reaction in the viewer.
      Jim Morrison said that both film & photography is simply about voyeurism.
      In a certain sense I think it is true,especially in self-portraiture.
      We are just looking for a verification of aspects of our own psyche.
      To end on a lighter note,I am really looking forward to seeing the others!!
      Have a lovely Sunday!

    2. Erna.. 73 months ago | reply

      This is such a cool shot..
      I am contemplating on insanity from looking at that. The way the eyes are closed but you still sense so much coming from the eyes. You see the anguish in the frame around the eyes.
      And the hand is just making me edgy on my stool here because it conveys such a massive amount of heartbreak, harshness and vulnerability.

      The movement makes it look like there is a lot of anguish going on in the mind and words like insanity, instituation, pain, relief, edge, awareness and more like those are hopping into my head as I reflect between my emotions when I look at this shot and the massive punch you hit me with when I clicked on this picture.

      Gavin, for me this is one of your best and finest shots, because for me it portrays so much rawness, so much emotion, so much anguish and so much life..Life is not always great, life is not always happy, life is sometimes that shot...


    3. zalkr 73 months ago | reply

      this is brilliant!! capturing emotions was always a great challenge for me, this is really inspiring.

    4. lightwelder | Nick 73 months ago | reply

      What I like most about this image is how it captures the transition between the different states of YOU. The transition where the anger is still present, indelible. It reminds me of one of my philosophy classes that dealt with the metaphysical status of time and consciousness. There's always this tension between you at the present moment and YOU, as a collection of past, present and future states (a temporal 'worm' if you will). If I must say so, the only thing missing here is the future components; you can't change the past slices of time, but you can look forward to the future ones. Hope, whether is warranted or not, whether is marred by the fear of recurring incontrollable states, is that future.

      Seen on your photo stream. (Stream)

    5. HisGlitteringEye 73 months ago | reply

      Another great Baconesque image.

    6. ©arlein 73 months ago | reply

      such a great shot... love the emotion.. so intense!

    7. Liam Levitz 73 months ago | reply

      Thank you all for commenting, much appreciated.

      Erna and JaneVictoria many thanks for the detailed and generous comments, I enjoyed reading them as much as I did taking the shot. Your words mean a lot. Much obliged.

      Zalkr, looking forward to the self portraits then! : )

    8. Liam Levitz 73 months ago | reply

      Ooops, wrong button. Primplan, your comment was fascinating to me, I may well take that missing HOPE and see what I can do with it.

    9. Still The Oldie 73 months ago | reply

      Find comment on this image in the WEEKLY group here:

    10. Böggi 73 months ago | reply

      This picture left me with a throbbing knot just below my sternum. A writhing, cold knot that tightens my lips and staggers my breath. Because this picture and the words hit me.. hit me like a whip over raw skin... I will probably never view it a gain.. and at the same time it will never leave me...

    11. © noborders 73 months ago | reply

      I discovered this in the "weekly" group ; now that I have read the accompanying text, I like it even better.
      Great introspective mood, a meaningful photo. Bravo !

    12. Thomai Pavlidou*** 73 months ago | reply

      Ενα πορτραιτο με συναίσθημα,ένταση και πάθος!!I love it!

    13. Fusun Konyali 73 months ago | reply

      it is quite haunting. very poster-lie feel to it, or like the cover of an album. well-done.

    14. Rocío Miron 73 months ago | reply

      how weird and good

    15. axel8591 [deleted] 73 months ago | reply

      Strong expression!
      it's not everyday that we can meet artists like you
      & it's a pleasure to discover your universe.

      This photo is addictive!!
      Thank you for sharing with us....
      Addicted To Flickr/Flickr Tutkunu
      **Invite 2 Comment 3**
      **Invited Photos Only**

      Profil Face group

      AWESOME! :

      "Photographers Gone Wild" Post 1 Award 3

      ¡ LO MEJOR DE MI... ARTE Y EXPRESIÓN ARTÍSTICA ! "... máximo 3, comentar 2

      I Think this is Art ! AWARD

      Wonderful creation!
      Let's join us on PROFIL FACE illustrations!

      CLICK on PROFIL FACE illustrations

    16. axel8591 [deleted] 73 months ago | reply

      Thx Liam for that precious & consciousness image in the group.

      This is not Bouddha. Το Βούδα δεν είναι. Das ist nicht Bouddha.
      Seen in the group: "PROFIL FACE illustrations group"

    17. KAKEFOTO 73 months ago | reply

      Muy buen movimiento , pues en primer plano tiene muchisima dificultad UN ABRAZO KAKE

      Visto en el grupo"PROFIL PUB" (Yo también quiero esto)

    18. bimma 73 months ago | reply

      superb shot gavin! awesome texture.. captured the moment perfectly!

    keyboard shortcuts: previous photo next photo L view in light box F favorite < scroll film strip left > scroll film strip right ? show all shortcuts