Trail Porn Lite, 1995
People have asked me "how did you train back in the day, and keep your strength up?" The secret ingredient: Trail Porn. And now, for the first time, the ingredients are visible for all.
Load Up Like A Peasant, Light Up Like A King™
TrailPorn®™ has been America's Number One Favorite free-range pre-race loading and
unloading dietary supplement for as long as we've been making it. Now the same great taste and chewy mouth-feel is here in the new, modern TrailPorn Lite®™.
This nutritionious, savory, and versatile product is a virtual-reality accompaniment to every part of your culinary experience, from pickled cabbage to vanilla ice cream. Look for the single-serving tetra-packs!
Preparation: Serve either hot or cold, as a first course or canape supplement or appetizer. Stove top, micro-wave or tail-pipe friendly.Some settling may occur as this product was packed at full-volume while you wait. Hey now!
* 92% more Free-Range Heat
* 69% more Organic Dust
* Stove-pipe Dreams (wet & dry),
* 12.45% more Cheese (head, anecdotal, soy, other)
* channeled past-life letters to Penthouse FORUM
* Nitro-Charged Funny-Car Testosterone
* Cooper Canyon Methane byproducts
* near-Genital Poison Oak clusters
* Free-radicalized Estrogen essential sauces & vapors
* Hydrogenated LPE (Limbaugh Paranoiac Extract 3%USP)
* Rancid Nipple Lube
* Fermented Mangoplex Extracts
* topically-applied SPF-40 Weasel-Jizz
* “alternative life-style” musings and speculations
* Power Bars shaped into even funnier little animals
* Vincent Gap Aid Station Glacier Ice
* Cindy Crawford’s WonderBra (.0001%)
* Dumpster Diving Road Kill
* Baden-Powell Repeats (why are 20,000 Boy Scouts lost?)
* Recovered-Memory TV-show Jingles 2
* Organic Inert solids (2%),
* Inorganic Inert gases (2%)
* Other Gases (12%), a zesty blend of Earthy Spices, Natural flavors, Dyes, and Concepts
* BHT & Glycol added to preserve flavor.
Hand-packed by svelte doe-eyed Indonesian virgin ecofemmes exclusively for D&L Holistic Humour Industries. No animals were coerced, harmed or fudge-packed except as necessary for profits.
PS: The little men on the can? That's me and my home-boy Dave Turner.
"I feel so abused!" >>"...you'll adjust!?