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Trail Porn Lite, 1995 | by Larry Gassan
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Trail Porn Lite, 1995

People have asked me "how did you train back in the day, and keep your strength up?" The secret ingredient: Trail Porn. And now, for the first time, the ingredients are visible for all.


Load Up Like A Peasant, Light Up Like A King™


TrailPorn®™ has been America's Number One Favorite free-range pre-race loading and

unloading dietary supplement for as long as we've been making it. Now the same great taste and chewy mouth-feel is here in the new, modern TrailPorn Lite®™.


This nutritionious, savory, and versatile product is a virtual-reality accompaniment to every part of your culinary experience, from pickled cabbage to vanilla ice cream. Look for the single-serving tetra-packs!


Preparation: Serve either hot or cold, as a first course or canape supplement or appetizer. Stove top, micro-wave or tail-pipe friendly.Some settling may occur as this product was packed at full-volume while you wait. Hey now!




* 92% more Free-Range Heat

* 69% more Organic Dust

* Stove-pipe Dreams (wet & dry),

* 12.45% more Cheese (head, anecdotal, soy, other)

* channeled past-life letters to Penthouse FORUM

* Nitro-Charged Funny-Car Testosterone

* Cooper Canyon Methane byproducts

* near-Genital Poison Oak clusters

* Free-radicalized Estrogen essential sauces & vapors

* Hydrogenated LPE (Limbaugh Paranoiac Extract 3%USP)

* Rancid Nipple Lube

* Fermented Mangoplex Extracts

* topically-applied SPF-40 Weasel-Jizz

* “alternative life-style” musings and speculations

* Power Bars shaped into even funnier little animals

* Vincent Gap Aid Station Glacier Ice

* Cindy Crawford’s WonderBra (.0001%)

* Dumpster Diving Road Kill

* Baden-Powell Repeats (why are 20,000 Boy Scouts lost?)

* Recovered-Memory TV-show Jingles 2

* Organic Inert solids (2%),

* Inorganic Inert gases (2%)

* Other Gases (12%), a zesty blend of Earthy Spices, Natural flavors, Dyes, and Concepts

* BHT & Glycol added to preserve flavor.


Hand-packed by svelte doe-eyed Indonesian virgin ecofemmes exclusively for D&L Holistic Humour Industries. No animals were coerced, harmed or fudge-packed except as necessary for profits.


Bon Apetit!


PS: The little men on the can? That's me and my home-boy Dave Turner.

"I feel so abused!" >>"'ll adjust!?

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Taken in October 1995