Dear Mike Pence
Dear MIKE PENCE:
This letter is to inform you that the Federal Commission on Gender Assignment (FCGA) has met to review your special request to maintain your current gender assignment of MALE. While members of the Commission were sympathetic to your argument that you alone should be the arbiter of such a choice, based on personal preference and a history of self-identification as MALE, I am sorry to inform you that in the interest of efficiency, your preferences cannot be accommodated at this time. In an ideal world, the Commission would be able to consider all factors, including citizen choice, when assigning a gender, but this would create a processing backlog. As a government official, I’m sure you’ll understand.
Pursuant to your gender assignment of FEMALE, you will soon receive notice of dates of commencement from your local Reassignment office. As mentioned in previous communications, your reassigned name will be MIKAELA PENCE. As a special courtesy for your status as a high-ranking government official, you will receive a complimentary starter kit that includes seven tasteful pantsuits, one for every day of the week, and instant and binding membership in the private Facebook group PANTSUIT NATION, as well as a free copy of the forthcoming coffee table book of the same title. We are certain that once the mandated procedures have taken place, you will see the wisdom of the Commission’s decision.
Please note that failure to comply with the directives in this letter can result in a felony charge and incarceration.
Yours very cordially,
FCGA Directorate General Counsel
[Acrylic on canvas, 4" x 12"]