Turn Carrots into Bacon!
1) Plant a shipload of carrots.

2) Leave the country for two weeks, about a month after they really should have been harvested.

3) Return home, pull a carrot, and boggle: holy carp, this thing is the size of a baby's arm holding an apple.

4) Purchase a deep-fryer. (This is actually Step Zero; you should already have purchased a deep fryer.)

5) Peel the skin off your carrot, and then use extra pressure on the the peeler to slowly slice the meat of the carrot into thin, bacon-like strips.

6) To remove any vitamins, minerals, and/or lingering taste of carrot, deep-fry in 375-degree canola oil for a minute and a half. Batch size: the thin-sliced flesh of one very large carrot.

7) Blot gently with paper towel.

8) Go back in time ten years and marry someone smart enough--this would be Vickie, not me--to suggest sprinkling your deep-fried carrot shavings with truffled salt. Do so.

9) Try not to just snaffle them all up right there, standing over the sink.

10) Bask in the approbation of your family and friends, especially the vegan ones. (You might not want to tell the kids they're eating carrots until they've tasted one.)
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