NEW YORK TIMES PROMISES TO START PRINTING ALL OF THE NEWS AGAIN...

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    1. roberthuffstutter 90 months ago | reply

      RENDEVOUZ AT LONG ISLAND CLUB BRINGS NEW YORK TIMES BACK INTO THE NEW "MAINSTREAM MEDIA"
      By Earl R. Stonebridge

      Senior editors and many staff members of the New York Times met last night at a somewhat conservative neighborhood tavern in one of the Hamptons on Long Island.

      Why?

      They admitted that the lack of readership has been causing them severe cash shortage. "We are losing our readers," stated one of the editors who begged to forever remain unnamed. "Yes," another familiar editorial writer confessed, "we have been...like totally asleep. And guess what, fellows? We are sorry, yes sorry, sorry, sorry."

      Those in attendance gave the expatriated staff a hearty cheer. Mugs were raised, promises were made. Mention was made of their return to the new mainstream media. Several of the previous most radical writers took tea from the communal Pitcher to atone for their past sins of omission. They grinned from ear to ear upon sipping the stout brew made from an original Bostonian recipe. One particular brunette's grin was akin to a Chesire Cat.

      Table settings were in traditional autumn colors with touches of red, white and blue; a carved ice acorn and squirrel melted as the crowd's warmth increased.

      Among those in attendance was the noted journalists,Bill Oreilly, Sean Hannity, and the man who made the entire fellowship meeting possible, Glenn Beck, of Fox fame. Beck would not answer questions but intimated he was happy to see the once- best newspaper in the world promising to reclaim its reputation for reporting all of the news.

      "We have been," an editor stated with head bowed, "not so much as in the tank, but up a stream without a paddle." OReilly cheered. Hannity gave the rejuvenated journalist a mild bear hug. Beck kept his distance and his eye out for anything that might go contrary to the format of the meeting. One could, however, see his head glowing slightly. No tears were streaming, but he sensed that he had made a difference. And he has. Getting one of the nation's oldest and once most prestigious newspapers to admit professional delinquency is an accomplished fete.

      "Gentleman,"one of the senior staff members stated in a serious and reverent tone, "We pledge to bring you a more fair and balanced diet of news, real news, not just kool aid stuff, but heart andsoul doses of reality. Yes, we are going to get our _______heads out of the sand, kill the ostrich and begin publishing 'all of the news that is fit to print.'"

      The event ended with a few patriotic songs and the Pledge of Allegiance. "Thank God we are going to be a newspaper again," whispered one of the youngest newspaper boys in attendance.

    2. kayceetee 90 months ago | reply

      Both my father and brother drove for the times

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