10 Aug 08 ~ 365.225 down the rabbit-hole
This is it. The last hurrah. My last medicated fertility cycle. These are the tools in my arsenal. Pills to pop, shots to mix, needles to navigate. I start today.
I am reminded of The Matrix. Morpheus channels Alice in Wonderland as he tempts Neo; "I imagine that right now, you're feeling a bit like Alice. Hmm? Tumbling down the rabbit hole?" He also says, "You take the blue pill, the story ends, you wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe. You take the red pill, you stay in Wonderland and I show you just how deep the rabbit-hole goes."
As I tumble down my own deep rabbit-hole once again, I fight the pessimism that permeates the last 22 months of infertility. I have tried meditation, yoga, acupunture, herbs, prayer, more prayer, positive imagery, and more medications than I care to tally.
Some learnings and surprises: I no longer fear needles. I do all my own injections. Sub-q, intramuscular? Not a problem. I meditate more easily now. I quickly lower my heart rate, finding the image and breath I need to quiet the chatter in my head. I have strength that I didn't know I had. (Anyone going through fertility issues knows the strength you need for this).
The awful truth: There is a bleak, horrible voice inside that catches me off guard. Usually at about three in the morning. She whispers insidiously "It won't happen". I wan't to smash that bitch with a baseball bat.
The other huge frustration is that many of my best friends have had a pregnancy (or two) in this 22 months. "Guess what!" they giggle... while every molecule of my being turns green. Baby envy has a bitter taste.
I stand here at the entrace to my rabbit-hole. I'm ready to jump in. Give me the red pill Morpheus! Whatever the outcome of this last and final attempt, I jump in with fear and faith, eyes wide open, ready to deal with whatever comes my way.
I've got hope.