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DISTRESS | by Davi Ozolin
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DISTRESS

I used to brag a lot about myself being someone who very rarely was feeling down or sad. Not that I was always cheerfully happy, but most of the time, I was just fine. But it has been some time since that has changed. I'm not quite sure why or when exactly it started, but that scene reversed. I'm usually feeling down, with peaks of happy times. When I'm close to my friends I feel very well. Happy. Fulfilled. And then those moments pass and I'm back to the blue. It bothers me a lot, but I don't know for sure what to do. I suspect it has something to do with concerns about the future. I'm already 21 years old (turning 22 in April) and I'm not established in any path. I always had all of those plans and everything was set in my mind when I was younger. I imaged that by now I'd be in a whole different place than where I am now. Plans didn't work out. Things were set back. I see friends and people my age getting up to their goals and I’m here, stuck at nowhere. Some are graduating, some are getting married, moving out of their parent’s and I’m so far behind, in every aspect; romantically, professionally and academically. This year I finally got into college (in here we have public and private ones. The public are the best, but also very hard to get in. I wanted one of those) but I’m no longer sure that’s the major I want. I’ve always been good in math, computers and logical stuff, so I went to Information Engineering. I thought it was the right, I’m good at it. The first semester was hard to go through, but I got very high grades. Four As and one B. I got the content pretty fast and I didn’t have great difficulties. But I was not happy. I wasn’t amused, didn’t think it was interesting, wasn’t motivated. Differently from a photography class I took over summer, to which I woke up thrilled and excited to go. In my college, I wake up every day discouraged, wanting to get back home. I don’t know, maybe it’s because it’s the beginning. The courses are still introductory and so. But what scares me is that I also like so much to create. Design, photography and that side of the coin. What if that’s actually what I want to do for my life? I don’t want to go to work every day and feel as I feel when going to college: just a damn obligation. I want to feel happy about what I do, I want to be motivated and think that I’m making a difference. I’m afraid I won’t feel that way working behind a computer. On the other side, everything is very expensive here and you need to have a good job to live well. As a photographer or a designer, that would be really hard. Those fields are much underrated in Brazil. They don’t pay well and it’s not even seen as a real profession. Of course, if you are very good you can work on magazines and editorial stuff, but that’s really rare. I’m not THAT creative or good to get one of these top jobs. So probably I’d end up shooting marriages and prom parties, which wouldn’t also be that amazing. Shorting it all: I’m completely lost. I have no idea what to do. Keep on engineering or change tracks… I’m old already and I can’t keep relying on my parents forever. I’m ambitious and want so much of my life, but I don’t know how to get at it. So many choices, so many doubts and mostly no goddamn answer.

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Taken on January 8, 2013