Spot which Palin was carrying the 'Good Omen' baby?
IT CAN NOW BE REVEALED that the father of Bristol Palin's love-child, Tripp, is in fact God's own true Holy Monkey, Bubbles - Michael Jackson's chimpanzee friend - and that poor young Levi is just a ringer.
Bubbles was sent down from Heaven to father an homonculus Saviour Child with the Righteous Hockey Mom Sarah herself, who would then thwart Satan's evil plans on Earth in these "End Times".
But unfortunately for the Palins and their fundamentalist beliefs, cross-species human/animal copulation/marriage was made illegal in Alaska in 1978, after it was discovered that the true mother of future US President [and Anti-Christ] Damien Thorne was not the wife of the US Ambassador to England, but an italian jackal! And that the father was old Beelzebub himself!!!
So even when preparing for "good" bestiality, Sarah (the "whack job") and Todd wouldn't be able to reverse these crazy "human only" marriage laws until after she became US President, and they'd get to run The World together (the way they did Alaska) and use nuclear weapons to rid it of of all the Evil Demons of Satan camping out in every dark corner, everywhere.
So... a few years ago, after being abandoned at a deserted Neverland, a sad, sick and confused Bubbles was bought by Madonna in a child/monkey adoption auction on eBay for her kid collection, and taken to her huge stone castle in the remote & bleak Highlands of Scotland (geography note - opposite direction from Russia, Sarah!).
But her cockney gangster [ex] husband Guy Ritchie is a weird sicko, and friend of Dick Cheney, who behind Madonna's back used to beat poor Bubbles mercilessly and make him perform degrading and humiliating sex-acts.
Instead of the ripe, fresh bananas and loving caresses he was used to from Michael Jackson, Guy and Dick water-boarded him, and fed him only cold scraps of haggis with bits of putrid scottish pie-lard for garnish.
After 2 years of agonising Guantanamo Bay-style incarceration, and confessing that he was a leading member of Al Qaeda, a sad and damaged Bubbles miraculously escaped from Madonna's Scottish castle hiding inside some bagpipes, and fled north across the frozen Arctic wastes 'til he finally arrived at Sarah & Todd Palin's hunting igloo.
Sarah asked him if he was a member of an endangered species, like Polar Bears and Arctic Foxes,,, but Bubbles was far too clever to say "yes", as he guessed from looking at them that Sarah and Todd might make him run until exhausted and then shoot him from a helicopter for a laugh.
Then they'd probably fashion his lifeless monkey carcass into a footstool to go with Sarah's magnificent bear-sofa.
But even Sarah didn't know that Bubbles was a heavenly angel (albeit in monkey form) sent by God himself to father The Saviour of The World in holy sexual union with her (no time for any of this Catholic "virgin birth" shit in Alaska!).
And Todd didn't know either,,, or it might have been .375 calibre time for the lustful varmint!
Over time Sarah got to know and treasure Bubbles, as they shared roughly the same IQ, knowledge of World Affairs, Political History, Geography and Economics.
Though the Palin's Extreme Pentecostal Creationist belief system was a little too backward and primitive a concept for a [admittedly very clever] chimpanzee even, and Bubbles described believing in it as being "devoid of even the slightest glimmer of intellectual rigour or sanity".
Bubbles felt an unnatural but understandable sexual attraction to the gorgeous third-place runner-up in the Miss Alaska Oil-Spill beauty pageant of 1984 though, and after many months of close communion, Sarah Palin herself came to feel of Bubbles as she would a fondly remembered childhood classmate, from the Wasilla retard's school & 7 colleges she attended on the way to her "journalism" degree, and so she gave him a $95,000 a year + expenses job running the Alaskan Department of Agriculture ("He must know all about animals!.. You betcha!").
But she couldn't feel sexually aroused by Bubbles, yet, as he didn't smell of fish like her beloved childhood sweetheart Todd - and the odor of something wet & scaley was what had always got her womanly juices flowing from that first accidental time with that Northern Pike (huh?) as a barely menstruating teen cheerleader just learning the evil ways of the world, and how it was that cities and entire countries outside Wasilla were under the control of monstrous satanic demons, that had to be flushed-out by the Soldiers of Jesus, vanquished, and turned into attractive pieces of office furniture.
Well eventually, inevitably, true love blossomed between human and animal the way it so often does in those long, dark, lonely Alaskan winter nights - just the way it says it did in The Bible, after Cain slew Abel and was ejected from The Garden of Eden,,, but it wasn't between Alaska's righteous, devout, beautiful and lipstick-clad Pit-Bull Hockey-Mom Governor and the famous celeb/chimp,,,but between him and her treacherous young daughter!
It was as if Bubbles had visited the sin-ridden cesspit that is New York City, and caught the terrible jewish "Woody Allen's Disease" and...[ to be continued...]