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Miniature Vampire Slayer’s Table~1:12th Scale

“A Little Tale”…


Most people believe everything they read in general; and also about vampires and how to kill them, is true. If it is in print or said on TV or in the movies, well, then it is gospel. That could not be farther from the truth. I know this for a fact because, you see, I slay vampires. I am an expert vampire hunter who has been slaying vampires for more years than you have been alive.


Many of the ways you have read, heard of or have been told since childhood on how to kill a vampire are ineffective or plain foolish. They just don’t work. For example, a silver bullet… where are you going to get a 100% silver bullet? Make it yourself? Well, I live in an apartment. How can I set up all the necessary equipment to make one? And, how would I get close enough to kill the vampire with one shot, especially when he can turn himself into a bat before I got off a shot? I don’t even own a gun, so, not being able to shoot, I’d have to make many more bullets than one. There is no way I‘d get him on the first shot. And, I don’t think I’d get the chance to get off more than one shot before the vampire jumped me.


In olden times, a silver coin was cut into quarters and inserted into the barrel of a gun. Once it was fired and hit the vampire, it, supposedly, killed him.


Well, coins are no longer made out of silver and just how big a coin do you need? I suppose it depends upon the gun you use. And… again, you better be one heck of an excellent shot to down a vampire, which is a very fast moving creature, in one shot. So, forget that one too.


Holy Water… Just throwing a splash or two or even three on a vampire is not going to kill him. It may distract him so you can make your escape. But, you’d need a couple of gallons or more of Holy Water to dissolve him. And, realistically, how would you go about carrying around all this Holy Water, getting it in the exact place near the vampire without him noticing, lifting it, and then throwing three or four gallons of Holy Water with adequate force, and hitting it with it? Another one to forget.


Holy or Blessed Crosses… These do not kill a vampire but merely cause it to back away in horror. At that point, it is vulnerable, so, you could make your escape or try to stab it in the heart with a wooden stake, but you’d have to get very close to the vampire to deeply plunge that stake into its heart. Many old traditions say to use a cross bow to shoot the wooden stake into the vampire’s heart after “blinding” him temporarily with the Holy Cross. Well, cross bows are hard to come by nowadays and again, you better be able to use it skillfully, while holding a cross, because you will only get one chance.


Garlic…I love garlic in my food, but wearing a garlic necklace to ward off a vampire would be overwhelming and would rather limit my job and friendship options. And, sleeping with a piece of garlic between my teeth might kill me. Garlic buds are slippery and once asleep, my grip on that piece of garlic would loosen, causing it to slip down my throat and choke me. Plus, garlic just repels vampires, but does not kill them. Another to check off your list.


And my last and favorite myth on how to kill a vampire… sprinkling mustard seeds on the roof of a house to keep it away. Now, really. This one needs no explanation. Needless to say, mustard seeds will not kill or even deter a vampire. And, again, how many do you need, what if the wind picks up…Reality check on this one.


No, there are only two effective ways to slay a vampire. I know because I have killed quite a few to date and plan to kill more. One is to expose them to sunshine. The sunlight burns them to a crisp. Since I do not use this method, I will simply mention it.


And, the other is to make a wooden stake from a thorn tree. These include blackthorn, hawthorn, or whitethorn. However, ash, and oak have been used effectively. I prefer and have been successful with hawthorn especially since it is prevalent where I live. Using a stake made from a thorn tree goes back to the belief that thorns prevent evil.


Once you make a fine very sharp point, plunge that stake deeply into the heart of the vampire. This both releases its evil soul and pins down its evil.


The best time to do this is when it is sleeping in its coffin. It is caught unaware and, thus, disoriented and temporarily off balance, giving you the advantage to strike. But, you must not hesitate. You have to act fast and plunge deeply, impaling the heart.


Once stabbed, you must cut off the head with a swift blow of a sword. Leave the headless corpse in its coffin, along with the sword you used to decapitate it. It is believed that the soul may remain in the headless corpse. Your metal sharp object, buried inside with the corpse, will penetrate the skin if the body bloats sufficiently while transforming into a revenant.


Then, take the head and bury it in consecrated (Holy) ground such as those of churches or temples or in a river with running water. Why here? Because, when “alive” vampires cannot walk on sacred ground or cross running water.


But, my best advice for killing a vampire is to leave it to the experts, like me. You may find yourself in a life threatening situation with a vampire and need to do something. My recommendation, just distract it with Holy Water or a Holy Cross and get the heck out of there and call an expert vampire slayer like me to do the killing.

~ Marsha J. West, Author


This story, creation, and work may not be copied, reproduced, republished, edited, downloaded, displayed, modified, transmitted, licensed, transferred, sold, distributed or uploaded in any way without my written permission. My work does not belong to the public domain. It is my personal creative property. Marsha J. West-All Rights Reserved.


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Taken on October 27, 2011