LAST NIGHT I WOKE UP ....
... oozing again. (being the Dada image for Dec. 7, 2009)
Actually this time it was worse than the other times. I hate it when that happens.
I woke Sherry up and asked her to fix me a large glass of water and eight ImmodiumAD tablets which seems to thicken me up enough to get a good nights sleep.
She was so upset when she saw me she insisted on taking me to the ER.
Sherry put a large plastic tup in the back of the station wagon just in case I started oozing more. I was feeling some very intense stress and it dawned on me I don't even know how to spell ooze. If i lost vocal communication, how would I tell anyone my problem without knowing how spell the word?
The young female intern at the hospital was very sympathetic, she said she thought I probably had osmositus and gave me large dose of alkyd talc which would increase my viscosity for the remainder of the night. She suggested we be ready to drive into San Antonio the next day because there were no osmosologists in Kerrville.
Very early the next morning Sherry had arranged for me to see our family doctor on an emergency basis.
Again, Sherry put the large plastic tub in the back of our station wagon and we were off to the doctor's office. If my viscosity dropped radically during the drive Sherry would be able to put me into the tub so that no part of me spilled over onto the car upholstery.
Our family doctor ran some tests his lab technician could work up and then took samples to send to the hospital lab. He wrote me a prescription for a new drug composed of the same ingredients in ImmodiumAD and Metamucil, but in concentrated amounts. This would tend to keep my viscosity high until a diagnosis and permanent treatment could be determined.
He said his opinion was Ooziopathy, which was a pathological disease for which there was no cure and also the cause was a mystery. If he were right, then the only treatment would be control and we could expect a gradual deterioration, but happily he pointed out I would probably die of something else before the Ooziopathy got me. I was cheered up by this new information.
A week later the Ooziologist laid out my future for me. Indeed I did have Ooziopathy and there was a new radical treatment which I might want to think about before deciding to submit to it.
He pointed out the problem was basically one of elemental chemistry and physics. My body was converting itself from a solid to a liquid. and in the past attempts to design a human bladder to contain the liquid had been a failure, actually not much better than the plastic tub Sherry had in the back of the station wagon.
Some physicists at MIT had designed "skin" made of fiber and a new plastic which was felxible and strong enough to retain an emitted form.
Doctors at the Mayo Clinic had developed a procedure to convert liquid into gas while retaining all properties in their proper places.
What he proposed was that I be converted into first liquid, then into a gasseous emmission in which form I would be vacuumed up and blown into the flexible suit, which was a technology learned in the development of space wear.
The upside was once I became gas and properly contained there was no way my body could deteriorate further as a result of viscosity change.
The downside was the gas was highly volatile and I would have to stay away from any open flames. The problem might be solved as they were trying to find a fiber to replace the asbestos fibers removed from the fabric formula by OSHA as it caused lung cancer in workers handling the fibers. Finding that new fiber might be years away.
Three months later I was all set to leave the hospial in my new persona when my doctor turned to me and asked, "You don't smoke, do you?"
Definition: "Shaggy Dog Story"
shaggy-dog story /ˈʃægiˈdɔg, -ˈdɒg/ Show Spelled Pronunciation [shag-ee-dawg, -dog] Show IPA
–noun a funny story, traditionally about a talking dog, that, after an often long and involved narration of unimportant incidents, has an absurd or irrelevant punch line.
Over time the need for the story to be about a shaggy talking dog was abandoned, but the remainder of the definition was retained.
shaggy dog story
Informal a long rambling joke ending in a deliberate anticlimax, such as a pointless punch line.