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Postpartum psychosis. | by Amy Spanos
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Postpartum psychosis.

You never really notice how beautiful the world is until a storm has passed. I feel so much love for people and I’m not sure how to put it into words. I hadn’t been well in a long time. June/July 2017 my psychosis started, it started with very intense paranoia and anxiety over being watched, having people in my life I just felt intensely uneasy with and it spiralled. Everything was exploited. By January 2018 everyone was watching and it was the scariest thing ever to have your mental state watched so publicly. All I could feel was danger. I could no longer distinguish between what was the real dangers and what wasn’t really happening. Everyone was a danger to me by that point, and everyone wanted to hurt my son. We weren’t well enough to travel and all I knew was I needed to be out of the country to be safe. So many dangerous people were on a hunt to find out where we lived/where we were and it was terrifying. The only thing I could do was tell everyone, simply everyone we were out of the country, but that made everything worse. I believed we would be safe if everyone believed I was dead having failing that I believed he would only ever be safe if I was dead. Postpartum psychosis will probably always be the most terrifying experience I will go through, and still go through to this day - I will sometimes still wake up at 2am with so much fear someone is trying to get into the house to hurt him. I’ve seen things and felt things this year that will never leave me. But through your darkest times there will always be light. There will be certain people and places that will change you and make you want to change. The love I have felt for people over the past few months I cannot describe. The friends I do not deserve that helped kept us safe, that offered there homes to us, words will never be enough. To every single person that reached out, I don’t even know how to begin saying thankyou. I’m still on such a long journey to better my health and better myself. But the fact I’m on the earth to enjoy the good moments is something I will always be so grateful for. I’m not good with words, I just needed to say thankyou to everyone that made this possible right now.

 

I'm looking forward to a long break from social media now, reclaiming my privacy and personal life back and returning with new photography work :) see you all soon x

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Taken on April 12, 2049