Methods for Pooping in the Woods

The Full Squat. Surprisingly easy. Discovered by girls (and Asians) long ago; shunned by the white man. No stamina required in the legs because you’re already all the way down. Actually leaves plenty of clearance between droppings and dropped pants. May require (minimal) practice to maintain balance.

 

The Half Squat. A futile farce to keep far from feces. Makes the quads burn. Takes ripped quads to maintain. Maybe degrades gracefully into the Full Squat. Maybe.

 

The Overbite. Mental comfort of being in a familiar physical position. Must invest time searching for that perfect log or rock (preferably with a view). Risk of tumbling backward if improperly sized object used.

 

The Middleman. Similar to the Overbite. Eliminates risk of falling over backward, but must find two objects adequately spaced. A well balanced option, though butt-cheek contact with foriegn surfaces appears necessary.

 

Lean Cuisine. A nice compromise between the Overbite and Middleman. Uses the cheek-lean technique on a single object, eliminating both tumble risk and two-object requirement. May be slightly more difficult to maintain over long periods than the parent methods.

 

The Whomping Willow. Similar to the Half Squat, but offloads the legs with some additional support. Must find a a tree with appropriately low and flexible branches. Risk of falling into the pile if the branch lacks adequate strength. If you’ve found the right tree, there should already be a hole for you.

 

Came up with this after a camping trip discussion.

 

People who have stolen this:

www.ehow.com/how_2179463_poop-woods.html

poopinginthewoods.forumotion.com/ (In the title of the site!)

amountaintophigh.blogspot.com/2009/04/how-to-poop-in-wood... (3 years late)

 

Nice people who used it and linked back:

www.triathlontrainingblog.com/?p=1334

12,664 views
3 faves
4 comments
Uploaded on August 27, 2006