You are so worthy (long post below)
Yesterday my mentor Renée Willis and I had a very long talk. I cried a lot. I didn't even know I needed to cry.
We talked about all kinds of everything from 'what is my why' (a recurring theme) to what makes me awesome to talks about my relationship to God - and whatever that did, does and can mean in my life. We talked about a God quest because she knows the deeply spiritual, although non-religious, within me.
I find myself crying again this morning. I'm not sure why, but here I am. Crying. From my center.
I think a lot of people look at me, my life, my family, my outerscape, and see a woman who has had some everyday disappointments and heartache but who will be fine. No big deal. What have I got to worry about?
What you don't know about is the inner discord that I think has been with me from birth. I'm highly, highly sensitive, physically and emotionally. I feel things other people don't get to feel and other things most people will never (thank goodness) have to feel. It's a treasure sometimes, and a gift. And sometimes it's very isolating. I am often alone in the hurt that others can't see and don't understand because they don't relate, they don't feel it, and they can't wave a magic spell across and erase for me.
I've spent much of my life weaving a cloak of invisibility so you - they - don't feel sorry for me or see me as somehow not good enough. Within this shroud I can hide my unwieldy feelings of
What I've come to understand is that from this place, I can sow and harvest beautiful things, beautiful places, beautiful moments that I can pass along to you. To give you light. To touch your soul a little. To witness and share the miracles. So many tiny miracles, abundant within and around us, that you sometimes don't stop to notice. So I do. From this place of some kind of indecipherable unworthiness, I can see these miracles. My gift. To myself. To you.
I have fought with myself, with the world, with my desire to keep going...but I know I have a purpose for the greater good. I'm still discerning it, but I practice giving and creating every day. I know it's good. I know it will come together. It will and it is coming together.
For now, portraits. I am making portraits to teach me how to draw out the spirit of a person. Not to make a nice picture of someone so much as to reflect the inner beauty, the soul within. The warmth. The true spirit before she was pushed into the labyrinth of expectation. I want to help breathe her out.
We all have pain. Stuff we hide behind our lovely, smiley, professional Linkedin profile pic or our come-hither Tinder pic or our perfectly extravagant family vacation pic. That's not who we are. We are so much more. I can sense your hurts, your mistakes and regrets. And I can see those tiny miracles in you and I want to help you share that stunning light with the rest of us.
Right now this is my path to healing. For myself. For you.
I'm practicing. There is so much more I want to learn to be able to distill this magic, but I'm ready to practice more.
I'm looking for a few willing and brave souls who are ready to be seen for who they really are. Your real beauty. Your true and honest beauty. I can always, always see it. Always.
Are you ready? You are worthy. You are so worthy.
With bravery, patience and grace, I am here.