79.365; there is no power as potent as possibility.
Even if your hands are shaking,
and your faith is broken.
Even as the eys are closing,
do it with a heart wide open.
Day 79 - August 16th, 2009.
So let's talk about feelings. And controversial stuff. And good people. And bad people.
(This might be long.)
Yesterday I found something out.
The perv who assaulted me more than 2 years ago is dead.
A fast moving cancer. I would like to say that karma is a bitch.
I am so relieved. I feel so much less guilty.
I never followed through with the police report. Think less of me if you want.
I sure do.
I failed. But looking back, it wasn't just me.
Everybody failed. I failed. My parents failed. The system failed me with the way it was handled.
The thing that has haunted me since was the fact that I failed every other girl. Every other potential or future victim. That was my fault.
Sixteen year old girls are not equipped -- mentally, emotionally -- to handle half the shit they pretend they are.
You've no idea how many times in my head I've gone through scenarios. So many scenarios.
So many things I would have done so differently.
But in some ways, I wonder if this was one of the most valuable experiences of my life. Never again will I allow myself to be taken advantage of or to be manipulated by another person.
If I can say that I have learned that lesson -- truly and actually learned that -- at age 18, then maybe it was a good thing.
I am happy he's dead.
I wonder if that means I'm a really terrible person.
I have tried, and cannot bring myself to feel any sort of remorse whatsoever.
Despite the fact that he had a family, children, friends, a job.
Maybe it's just the idealism of youth that would have expected any other sort of response.
Maybe I am a really horrid person.
Maybe I am just a person.
I thought about this whole situation and cried for the first time in more than 2 years about it today.