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79.365; there is no power as potent as possibility. | by epicfailer
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79.365; there is no power as potent as possibility.

Even if your hands are shaking,

and your faith is broken.

Even as the eys are closing,

do it with a heart wide open.


Day 79 - August 16th, 2009.


So let's talk about feelings. And controversial stuff. And good people. And bad people.

(This might be long.)


Yesterday I found something out.


The perv who assaulted me more than 2 years ago is dead.

A fast moving cancer. I would like to say that karma is a bitch.


I am so relieved. I feel so much less guilty.

I never followed through with the police report. Think less of me if you want.

I sure do.


I failed. But looking back, it wasn't just me.

Everybody failed. I failed. My parents failed. The system failed me with the way it was handled.

The thing that has haunted me since was the fact that I failed every other girl. Every other potential or future victim. That was my fault.


Sixteen year old girls are not equipped -- mentally, emotionally -- to handle half the shit they pretend they are.


You've no idea how many times in my head I've gone through scenarios. So many scenarios.

So many things I would have done so differently.


But in some ways, I wonder if this was one of the most valuable experiences of my life. Never again will I allow myself to be taken advantage of or to be manipulated by another person.

If I can say that I have learned that lesson -- truly and actually learned that -- at age 18, then maybe it was a good thing.


I am happy he's dead.

I wonder if that means I'm a really terrible person.

I have tried, and cannot bring myself to feel any sort of remorse whatsoever.

Despite the fact that he had a family, children, friends, a job.


Maybe it's just the idealism of youth that would have expected any other sort of response.


Maybe I am a really horrid person.


Maybe I am just a person.


I thought about this whole situation and cried for the first time in more than 2 years about it today.

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Taken on August 16, 2009