have you ever met someone who was perfect until you met them?
Lately I feel like my imperfections are becoming more and more apparent. People around me that I once trusted and depended on are fading into the blackness. And it's not fair. I know, I know. Life's not fair. But it just feels like for once in my life I should be allowed the real happiness so many other people deserve. Why not me? My whole life I have had to walk on broken glass. There is always someone or something that decides to rip me apart. People are cruel. Humans have the ability to take other's emotions and twist them in knots of sorrow and soon the tears become familiar and those that caused it are clueless and oblivious. I feel so weak. And I just feel that I care for others so much more than they care for me. I have never been anyone's first choice. There has always been someone else who recieves more love and attention than me when I give them everything I have. And I'm fed up. I'm getting to the point where I just don't care. I'm getting to the point where the darkness is my friend and my thoughts hunger for a resolution that will never come. I feel sick. I have this paranoid feeling crawling up my skin and through my veins. I itch with dissatisfaction. I am not perfect. And I cannot put into words how suffocated I feel by the expectations of everyone. No one has ever cared enough to listen, so I just don't speak. Because why waste my breath explaining things to people who constantly call me weird or different? What reason would I have on this earth to ever tell you how I really and truly feel? I have none. So I hide it and I take the burrden off of everyone else. Nobody has an easy life. But some have easier lives than others. And some pretend that they have an amazing life when really they have moments where they contemplate trading it all away for five minutes just to be able to breathe. I am a pretender. There are aspects of my life that allow me to get through the sense of hopelessness I feel at stages of my being. I am not claiming that I could spend a day in your shoes, but you would not last a day in mine. I am constantly held to the belief that I must be everyone's savior. That the second I make a mistake it will never be forgotten. Nothing is over looked. I am under a magnifying glass. My heart and mind are swollen from annalyzations, worries and predictions. But I always wear that smile. I always refrain from screaming so loudly at the people that make me the angriest because it will get me nowhere. I hate dwelling and I hate complaining. I wish that I could have every moment of bliss I have ever felt and just stay in them, never having to deal with the verbal and emotional abuse you unknowingly put me through. Friendship can be the greatest thing in the world and it can also be the death of someone's sanity. Sometimes I wish I was introverted and unsocial. I wish that I could hold back the need to befriend people, gaining and giving trust away like candy in late October. I have headaches all the time from the things you say. I hold back everything. Every single thing I would ever want to say in my moments of utter rage. You would loathe me if I said them. I cannot be this perfect, flawless little angel, willing to bow to your commands and fold under the pounds of pressure you are putting on me. It hurts. I ache. My dreams are alterted from the worry and sorrow. I just want to feel what I portray to everyone. This happy girl with days full of complete and total wonder. Nothing ever goes wrong and bad days aren't real.
Sometimes it would be nice to start over. To completely go back to the beginning in a totally new place with a new outlook on everything. I love being who I am but I wish I was someone else sometimes. The critism of things I do and things I say. The way I look and act. Do you think highlighting my insecurities outloud will ever make you better than me? Do you believe that I for a second don't realize that I am not the most beautiful person. My hands are skinny and bony and purple. I am weak and frail. I am weird and strange and abnormal, but do you believe for a fraction of a moment that I don't already know this? Look me in the eyes and tell me that I think I'm perfect. No. Not even close. I'm so entirely aware of everything wrong with me. But even as much as I would love to be far away from here in another world where I don't feel trapped by the acidic words rolling off your tongue; I would honestly not ever back out of being exactly who I am. I have allowed myself to be this person and there are some things I can't change. Stop drowning me with ultimatums and bashing me over the head with insults. Stop making me feel like an option instead of a priority. I'm done. I'm throwing in the towel because I can't do this anymore. I need to break free of the strings everyone has tied to me before the ropes turn to steel and I am stuck behind these masks of someone I never wanted. If only I could fly. But the final decision I have reached is this... I am doing what I want this time. For the first time in my life.
longest writing in a description i think i've ever done.
i had a headache today and i just felt strange. but i mean i was talkative and chipper i just feel so odd. like im missing something. a large part of me.
i want to taste greatness. to just be perfectly perfect for a moment in time that no one will ever forget. i want to make a name for myself. i want new friends, a new town and a new perspective. there are ties keeping me here, including my age of course, but i really cannot wait to be free. i want to leave highschool behind. or atleast have a fresh start.
12 days (excluding weeknds) til summer. it can't come quick enough. that's what gets me out of bed in the morning these days. is knowing i'm that much closer.