101 things we've learned from video games
1. It’s OK to kill people.
2. Dying doesn’t really matter much either.
3. If you’re 14, have hair covering your eyes and live in a small village, man up, because you’re going to have to save the world.
4. Medicine became obsolete in the year 2004, when doctors noticed that hiding behind a wall caused human health to regenerate to 100%.
5. Eating stuff found on the floor is good for you – your parents were wrong.
6. Sometime in the future, Earth will be menaced by hordes of alien spacecraft that fly in predictable patterns and can be killed in one hit. The logical course of action will be to despatch one brave hero in an untested plane/tank/spaceship to take them all on without help.
7. Winners don’t use drugs.
8. Buildings may have crates full of goodies on their roofs, so always check, even if it means riding a motorbike up the fire escape.
9. Enemies, rather than approach you directly, behave like Michael Flatley (of Riverdance fame) on a conveyor belt.
10. Keycards are only manufactured in primary colors.
11. Tanks will go faster if you turn the turret backwards and keep firing.
12. Anything in the world can be made from food, wood and gold.
13. Most guards forget you unsuccessfully tried to strangle them after walking around for 20 seconds.
14. It’s surprising just how useful martial arts are on the modern battlefield.
15. When you get shot, you don’t feel any pain, nor does it affect your aim. However, it does cause your vision to turn red for a couple of seconds.
16. If a crown princess is abducted by political dissidents or terrorists it is advisable to avoid using Special Forces and instead hire the services of an Italian plumber or a dizzy egg.
17. Firearms are most simply reloaded by pointing them at the wall and pulling the trigger.
18. Crates only contain one single item, much smaller than the crate itself. The item will usually be in the dead centre of the crate with no supporting packing material.
19. If you’re stuck in life and don’t know what to do, simply attempt to use every single item in your possession on your obstacle. If none of them work, go back the way you came. You’ve clearly missed something.
20. You can jump twice your own height, but water will kill you instantly.
21. Wrexham can win the Champions League if you have about 483 full days to spare, 80% of which are spent waiting for CM04 to load (non-UK folk may not get this one).
22. Jumping on turtles’ heads is socially acceptable. Unless it’s being used as a euphemism for needing the toilet.
23. Contrary to popular belief, you don’t gain experience and knowledge by education and hard work. You get it from wandering around the countryside killing wildlife.
24. Princesses float farther than plumbers.
25. Despite what logic dictates, the ideal shape for a war robot is not squat, armored, with a low centre of gravity, but a bipedal humanoid. Ideally with hands to hold a gun, rather than built in weaponry.
26. Large men are slow but strong; women are fast but weak.
27. When you look down, you can’t see your feet.
28. Explosives don’t work on doors unless they’re a bit shinier than the other doors.
29. If working on high scaffolding, beware of gorillas throwing barrels off the top floor.
30. No girls.
31. Always be sure to smash any crates you come across, they will always contain good things.
32. Despite the fact that modern weapons systems are effective over hundreds of miles, in the future all space/air/sea combat will be conducted within about 50 yards of the enemy.
33. Contrary to the strict regulations you might think pilots have to adhere to, you can actually fly any aircraft upside down beneath the Golden Gate Bridge without getting in trouble.
34. War is the best fun ever.
35. It doesn’t matter where you shoot someone, even if it’s in the foot, as long as you do it enough times there will eventually be an immediate transition between alive and dead.
36. There is no practical difference between walking into a weapon and picking it up.
37. In medieval times, women regularly fought in wars, wearing armor that afforded them equal protection to suits of plate mail worn by men, despite only covering about 3 inches of skin.
38. Most martial arts will teach you how to throw fireballs at about green belt level.
39. Roman and medieval generals had a zoomable and rotatable 3D view of the battlefield, and controlled their soldiers by clicking giant arrows.
40. Everyone speaks English, including Nazis, aliens and the living dead.
41. When your life ends you will be given 10 seconds to decide whether you fancy going again (in some circumstances this may cost you some change).
42. As long as you are wearing at least one ring you will never die.
43. Pulling out a weapon makes you see a + sign wherever you look.
44. Running from side to side or backwards is just as easy and quick as running forwards.
45. Never trust a giant monkey wearing a tie.
46. Graveyard zombies are predatory homosexuals, who’ll strip you down to your Y-fronts.
47. Bus-loads of people will turn up to a mostly empty field to see a man in a hippo costume stand next to a mail box.
48. Fat people are always evil. If not from the beginning, they will betray you eventually.
49. You can only use a pair of skis once and the only shop selling them at resorts is invariably on the other side of a busy motorway with no visible means of a pedestrian thoroughfare.
50. Not only is it perfectly normal for animals to talk, but their default attitude is “sassy”.
51. Modern tank warfare will be replaced in the future by building a very large number of tanks on the battlefield itself, then attacking the enemy’s strongest point head-on with hundreds of them at once.
52. You know when you have won a fight when your opponent stands still, waiting for you to decapitate him.
53. Prostitutes will judge you on the fanciness of your car and give you 25% bonus health post-sex. This is only in the pre-AIDS ’80s. In 2008, you will be tsk-ed at by an Eastern European, which makes you feel sick and guilty, even though you’ve been stabbing people all day.
54. Karate and driving can both be learned in minutes simply by repeating sequential dance routines as requested by cartoon animals.
55. Wearing a pair of white gloves to work every day may seem an unwise choice if your chosen career is plumbing, but, in reality, you will never have to dirty your pristine mitts by fishing a swollen, fetid tampon from a shit-clogged outflow pipe.
56. The bodies of your murdered victims will fade and disappear if you wait for a few seconds.
57. Explosives are not stored, as you might expect, in secure containers in controlled environments, but in barrels that are littered around combat zones at random. Highly-trained evil soldiers are quite happy to engage in sustained fire-fights while standing next to them.
58. Doing athletics really hurts your wrist after a while.
59. You can’t ever trip, even when running backwards as fast as you can while firing a shotgun.
60. World War II infantry jargon included such phrases as “lol”, “n00b” and “OMG HaXXoR!!11!” Modern counter-terrorist SWAT teams use the same phrases.
61. People wink out of existence when you’re not there to see them.
62. On the whole, you can withstand a lot more bullets/punches/magic compared to the other guy.
63. Always shut the door behind you, especially if it looks like it might snow later on.
64. You don’t need scintillating conversation get on in life. Two-word commands will do fine.
65. Many, if not all, problems can be solved with a Holy Hand Grenade.
66. Being on the goodies’ side doesn’t automatically make you winners of The War.
67. You can up your bank balance $1,000 at a time by chanting ‘FUND’.
68. Kick enough puppies and you’ll eventually gain the strength, wisdom and dexterity to take on ninjas.
69. Food can heal most serious injuries instantly.
70. Even cyborgs/ninjas/special agents able to smash whole cities with their fists and defeat the mightiest opponent in close combat are stumped when confronted with a locked door or box, and have to go find the key.
71. Music spontaneously plays whenever you do anything exciting.
72. Modern military training teaches that the best way to defeat an enemy is to stand stock still in plain view of the enemy and fire wildly. Making sinister noises to reveal your location is good, too.
73. If you notice a discolored section on a brick wall, try running up really close and pressing on it, for it may give way and lead you to a secret cache of weapons and armor.
74. Bullet holes will gradually disappear, foiling your attempts to draw a c--k and balls on the ground with a machine gun.
75. When you’ve run out of food and stuff, just leave the house and then go back in again.
76. When you kill people, sometimes they turn into food or money. Or some bullets.
77. You can travel anywhere instantly, as long as you’ve been there before.
78. When crawling along air-conditioning ducts, if you go forward and back a few times you may or may not see a pair of tits.
79. First aid kits can be applied to your injuries in under a second, and will instantly fix your injuries and make you healthier.
80. Flashlights only last for one minute, but thankfully recharge themselves over time.
81. If you’re in a castle looking for a lost loved one, they’re in another one.
82. If you’re good enough at trading/bartering – every single shop in the world will reduce their prices specially for you
83. You can lead a fulfilling and adventurous life, and keep several friends, without ever opening your mouth.
84. You can shoot open a padlock, but locks on wooden doors only ever leave a dent.
85. It is possible to carry an infinite amount of items, including a full sunday roast spread, for no adequately explored reason, without impeding either your speed or clothing.
86. “Sho-ryu-ken!” is the best opening line to start a punch-up in a pub.
87. Conversation is easy! Just think of two or three possible responses, and pick the one you think will lead to the greatest reward.
88. Firing a rocket launcher straight into the floor is an excellent idea, and will get you cool stuff, provided you jump into the air as you do it.
89. Women who are experienced mercenaries and can carry multiple heavy weapons do not look like Bulgarian discus throwers, but are lithe, slim, and have very large breasts.
90. The world is packed with unexplored ruins, most of which are packed to the rafters with treasure. Despite this, no one has yet bothered to explore them.
91. The owners of theme parks/zoos/hospitals are able to pick up visitors to their attractions with a giant grapple, and drown them in lakes without penalty.
92. Being shot in the face is only a minor inconvenience, but going into an area you are not supposed to will result in instant death.
93. Nazis/Alien Invaders/Evil Megacorps are always leaving medical supplies around for their opponents to heal themselves with. Their own soldiers are under strict instruction not to touch them. Ever.
94. The popular third dimension was introduced in the ’80s, before which you’d simply shrink and move more slowly to convey distance.
95. You can probably fit another rocket launcher in your rucksack if you carefully rearrange those four ammo clips and that coke can.
96. If someone you don’t like is in a swimming pool, simply remove the steps to get out. Then they will be stuck and drown through exhaustion.
97. Frogs die in water.
98. You can gaze at a woman’s tits for hours on end without either of you becoming embarrassed. However, attempts to mount her from every side like a determined St. Bernard will always result in you bouncing off her textured hide.
99. If you win a really big fight, don’t relax until you’ve made sure there isn’t a much more powerful robot version of your late opponent lurking in a corner.
100. “Ninja” is the most common occupation on the planet, just above “Secret Agent” and “Alien in Disguise”.
101. Comprehensive military training can be acquired simply by climbing a rope, crouching and firing down a range a few times