A Man's Guide to Feelings
Are you a man?
Does the Pope wear a funny hat?
Do you like beer?
If you answered 'yes' to any of these questions you might need to read the following excerpt from our other excerpt that grew too large to be considered an excerpt... 'Everything I Know About Women I Learned the Hard Way' it's called 'A MAN'S GUIDE TO 'FEELINGS.'
A MAN'S GUIDE TO FEELINGS
Webster's Dictionary defines 'feelings' this way:
'1a (1) : the one of the basic physical senses of which the skin contains the chief end organs and of which the sensations of touch and temperature are characteristic : touch (2) : a sensation experienced through this sense b : generalized bodily consciousness or sensation c : appreciative or responsive awareness or recognition
2a : an emotional state or reaction b plural : susceptibility to impression : sensitivity
3a : the undifferentiated background of one's awareness considered apart from any identifiable sensation, perception, or thought b : the overall quality of one's awareness c : conscious recognition : sense
4a : often unreasoned opinion or belief : sentiment b : presentiment
5: capacity to respond emotionally especially with the higher emotions
6: the character ascribed to something : atmosphere
7a : the quality of a work of art that conveys the emotion of the artist b : sympathetic aesthetic response
Examples of FEELING:
I noticed tingling feelings in my fingers.
She had a queasy feeling in her stomach.
I had the feeling of something crawling across my foot.
We enjoyed the feeling of walking barefoot in the sand.
He had no feeling in his right leg.
He's been troubled by feelings of guilt.
There's no point in trying to hide your feelings.
He spoke with feeling about the injustice he had seen.
Have you no feeling for the plight of the homeless?
I can see that you have strong feelings about this subject.
First Known Use of FEELING:
You'll never get the twenty six minutes of your life back that it took you to read that definition that was cut and pasted directly from Webster's Online Dictionary.
If there was a 'Viewminder's Online Dictionary' the definition of 'feelings' would go kind of like this...
'A weapon used against men by women whenever women seek the 'upper hand' in any situation.
A magical glittery 'trump card' from the land of puffy clouds, unicorns, rainbows and sparkles that takes whatever a woman says and makes it not only 'right' but absolutely unassailable, impervious to the application of all reason, logic, contrary factual evidence and deduction.'
First Use: The Garden of Friggin' Eden.'
Eve: 'Hey Adam... I feel that you should eat this apple.'
Adam: 'But Eve... God said NEVER to eat the fruit of that tree!'
Eve: 'Did you not hear what I said before I said 'that you should eat this apple'... I said that 'I FEEL that you should eat this apple?'
Adam: 'OMG this is delicious! If God was all loving and caring why would he create such a delicious fruit and then waive it in front of us with all his prohibitions like it was some kind of test of our loyalty and... yo Eve... you know what I 'feel' like? I feel like some hot freaky tonight baby.'
Eve: 'Shut up Adam... everyone knows men don't have 'feelings.' Feelings only work for women. You're such a moron and you never take me or anything else seriously. It's like God made you as some kind of a joke or something... along with that thing he called a 'platypus.'
Adam: So does this mean you 'feel' like rockin' The Garden widda little hot freaky tonight or what?'
Eve: Gives Adam history's first 'PLOD'... Putrid Look of Disgust.
Snake: (Played by the Legendary Leon Haywood) crawls by humming 'I wanna do someting freaky to you baby.'
Guys... you will never understand 'feelings.'
The best you can do is identify them... try to cope with them... and flee from them at the first sign of their very existence.
Which is usually when your girl is telling you that she has one (or more if you're particularly unlucky.)
Feelings are absolutely absurd.
I should say 'I feel that feelings are absolutely absurd.'
Saying it that way protects me from being judged, criticized or challenged in any way and it keeps me from ever having my position held up to the critical light of reality where flaws in my thinking could be exposed and possibly even ridiculed.
Let's look at it from the male perspective.
Which is the only perspective you will ever understand.
I know it's the wrong way to look at it but it's more entertaining so just go with me.
I am so used to being wrong it isn't even funny.
Here's an example of a conversation between you and your buddy.
Of course it takes place at a bar and of course alcohol is involved.
I said it was from the 'male perspective' right?
That means its some dive ass bar that smells like... some dive ass bar on a Tuesday night.
Because most of the time alcohol is the only way to get you to open up and even think about 'feelings.'
The conversation goes something like this:
Guy: 'The President Sucks.'
Other Guy: 'Why does the President suck?'
Guy: 'Because he did this, this, this and that.'
Other Guy: 'That is a very well thought out argument, highly persuesive, filled with reason and applied deduction and empirical evidence even.'
Third Guy: 'Check her out.'
Other Guy: 'I accept your position and I accept that indeed the President sucks.'
That's cut and dry, black and white, a tenable position made rock solid by the application of reason and evidence to come to a logical understanding with your buddy.
You done good.
Now if the bartender would only see you dying of thirst and get you another beer.
How hard can it be for her to look at your wide eyes, your forward leaning posture, the money you are waving at her and the crusty white shit on your cracked parched lips that indicates you want another beer?
Now let's try that at home.
Not that... only men who have mastered the 'Real Secret' get to do that... I'm talking about the example of the discussion you and your buddy just had.
First off... your girl ain't your buddy.
Because she has feelings.
By now we've come to the understanding that 'women aren't the enemy.'
And the 'Lifetime Network.'
And anything Oprah says.
Don't ever forget that.
You'll never understand them.
And if your woman ever says anything about how she 'feels about Oprah on the Lifestyle Network' say that stupind thing you gotta say and then just duck...
because the lobe's gonna blow!
But don't ever forget what makes men 'different' from women... besides that five percent of the body and their love of paint color sample chips... and the fact that they used to brush the hair and actually talk to little plastic ponies in freakishly human tones... it's 'feelings' that make women different nimrod.
In their minds they feel that's what makes them superior.
Let's try that conversation on your woman now.
Guy: 'The President Sucks.'
Girl: 'Well I feel like he's a good President.'
Guy: 'Baby I'm Sorry You Were Right.'
Of course instead of the 'BISYWaR' response that should become reflexive every time your woman says the word 'feel' or 'feelings' you'll say something stupid.
That's what you do.
Maybe that's why God made man.
To amuse himself watching the stupid shit that you do.
Just think of Charlton Heston having the biggest laugh right now with the reverb turned all the way up while he's floating on a cloud in a comfortable looking white robe and pointing at you.
And hope he doesn't accidentally turn the lightning on when he's havin' a laugh attack after watching you screw everything up.
How does that 'feel' braniac?
Gentlemen you must accept that all of the logic, deductive skills in the world, reason, evidence, and expert opinion are NOTHING and in fact ENTIRELY WORTHLESS when it comes to dealing with 'feelings.'
If you wanna get some hot freaky... and you know you do... you're gonna hafta learn to understand, cope and deal with feelings.
It's inevitable without the skillful application of Oscar caliber acting skills and adding alcohol to the pursuit.
Which we've also come to identify as an inappropriate long term relationship strategy.
Remember when you were a kid and your parents got sick of your shit and the conversation ended with 'because I said so.'
That's what feelings are.
They're like the 'be all end all'
The female equivelent of 'shut the fuck up.'
'Feelings' are something a woman pulls out of her delightfully embroidered 'tool bag' when she wants to take whatever it is that she just said... or is about to say and make it, in her mind... and yours... what would in reality be a 'universal truth' in your shared 'reality' together.
Of course if there's one thing you know, it's that there's 'reality' and then there's 'her reality' and then there's your shared reality which consists of you pretending to accept and support her psychotic and twisted vision of 'reality' in order to bring happiness and sunshine to the woman that you love and cherish and that is your beloved partner on the quest for the ultimate hot freaky experience.
Just keep that to yourself dumbshit.
That little factoid will never bring you closer to your ultimate goal.
Here's an example... we've all heard it said that 'that which goes up must come down.'
You probably haven't really put much thought into that statement and there's really no way to debate its beautiful simplicity.
It's a fundamental truth.
Let's just say your woman thinks otherwise.
And she wants you to think that way too.
Because if there's one thing she wants as much as you want hot freaky it's to get you to think like her.
And she wants to do it without having to go through the effort prove her point, support her position with evidence of any kind of merit whatsoever or take any shit from you.
You see how chicks can be as lazy as guys?
She's going to say 'I FEEL that what goes up doesn't have to come down.'
Her application of the word 'feel' to the statement above means ultimately, in at least all of your relationship to her and your quest for some hot freaky therein, that what she just said must now be respected and accepted as what would be in reality one of those 'universal truths.'
Of course your dumb guy brain, even on its best day will try to say something like 'baby... according to the laws of physics you are clearly mistaken.'
She's your girl... you love her... you want to show her that she's mistaken because you care.
In your stupid guy way you relish the opportunity to impress her with your intellect and look smart.
You might not remember too much from college but you're absolutely certain that 'that which goes up must come down.'
You've gotta lotta life experience to prove it dontcha?
You're willing to talk about this in a non threatening, non judgemental, loving and supportive way aren't you big guy?
She will then clarify the audacity of your 'fucking unbelievable' response in the following way:
'are you saying that I am wrong?'
I swear only you could go from teachin' Honey Baby Poopie Pie a lesson on physics to 'personally attacking her' in one sixtieth of a billisecond.
Your relationship is more volatile than pennystocks on a Friday right before a three day weekend after everyone's had a three martini lunch.
She has been the judge, the jury and the executioner every time you mess up... she's seen you screw up so many ways... so many times... in so many circumstances...
yet you still genuinely shock her with your idiocy.
By this time she forgot what she'd even said after the two words she first uttered 'I feel.'
Because of your utter and contemptuous insolence for her.
You know how it goes.
Right now you realize that you've done it again.
You ask yourself 'will I ever fucking learn?'
You're never gonna make it.
But I'm not gonna give up on you brother.
Although I'm starting to doubt you could ever get to the land called 'Shangri-freaky-la' even If I could carry your fatass there on my back.
In addition to being a fool and always falling into the oldest woman trap in the world... asking a chick 'baby what's wrong' you're pretty adept at falling into the second oldest woman trap in the world too.
It's taken women eons to work out and finess these traps to insure that they always work.
They're handed down from generation to generation of women and improved upon as more effectively vicious and cruel methods are discovered.
They've been honed to 'razor sharpness' on all those trips to bathroom that they've taken together.
And you think you're gonna be the first guy to 'beat them?'
You can't 'beat them.'
They are unbeatable.
The best you can do is to avoid them.
She probably wanted to blow her stack any way.
Maybe the pressure was building up in that extra lobe of hers and causing her a discomfort like a bloating of the brain.
And she's come to you for relief.
Because she knew she could count on you... without fail... to fall into the trap that would allow her animal woman to release the contents of the lobe and become comfortable again... maybe go hang out at the Sherwyn Williams store or something and think about paint.
Here's a 'universal truth' for you...
if a woman 'feels' something it cannot be wrong.
Women's feelings are never wrong.
How dare you even think for a second that she was wrong.
This isn't about the laws of physics.
She doesn't even remember what it's about besides you telling her that there was a possibility that her feelings could be wrong in a loving an supportive non judgemental way of course.
Do you not remember what happened after you bitched about her buying the deluxe urn for Punkin?
Do you just like that shit going down?
You like that more than hot freaky?
It seems like it.
You didn't sell your soul, give up your free will, all of your computer passwords, burn all of your shit in a giant pile and throw away all of your male friendships to teach your girl about the laws of physics did you?
A woman's feelings can NEVER be wrong.
No man in history has ever succeeded in getting a woman to admit that what she 'felt' was wrong.
You are not going to be the first.
Go back to Webster's definition and look at the time 'feelings'was first used as a word.
The twelfth century.
When not so coincidentally the first evidence of the Christian concept of 'purgatory' was found.
A lot of things and concepts were invented in the twelfth century.
You know... torture... the plague... big titties in tight velvet bodices... dungeons... gunpowder, canons, bombs, the Iron Maiden, black death... cholera... feelings...
You don't want to be dealing with anything from the twelfth century.
Shit was all bad and evil and wicked back then.
Except the tight velvet bodices.
That's the only thing that got mankind through the twelfth century.
That's where 'feelings' come from.
A freakin' twelfth century idea come to torture your ass in modern times buddy.
And you're about to get some medeival shit for even thinkin' that you might have had what it takes to become the first guy in all history to prove to a woman that her 'feelings' are wrong.
Welcome to the twelfth century brother.
While men had just invented the magnetic compass in the twelfth century... a device with a floating needle that always pointed to north... a tool that they thought would make 'asking for directions' a thing of the past...
women were in the beginning stages of designing another sort of compass.
A compass called 'feelings.'
And that compass always points to 'right' Asshole.
And you and me both know that that 'compass' will certainly never point to you.