Secret Twenty-one / Adictions control actions
This is a painful and sad thing to post, espicailly after my Change picture that I posted (I will post more). Just to be clear, for those of you that have seen and read my description in my Change picture, I have changed in so many ways. I have grown, but it hasn't been a complete 180. Change takes time to be completed. In all realness, we never stop changing.
Coming from the mind of a self-harmer: Me.
Please read this. For so long I have tried make people understand, tried to put it in words that make sense, and now I think I have. Pease comment. I want to know your thoughts and feelings, the good and the bad. But please I don't want no, "This is completely shit, you shouldn't do this, you're so f*cked up!" bullshit. In other words, don't insult me.
My hands still shake, uncontrollably. They are shaking right now. My leg is shaking too. But my mind feels relatively calm. My body shakes, but my emotions are calm. My hands type faster than usual. My body is in frantic motion, but my mind stays calm. Maybe this is how it feels the first time somebody commits murder. Except I don’t possess the too loud beating of the heart, and the nervousness. The typing is helping calm my hands, so I can finish what I have started. It’s too late to turn back now. Good thing I don’t really want to turn back.
Sensitivity. That is what my skin feels, everywhere. I’m sure making love right now, would feel more amazing then in the past. My feeling of touch is heightened.
Pain. Physical. Red. Blood. It’s everywhere now. Emotion. Calm.
The shaking has stopped, and I am clean, sanitized. I can breathe, and I feel better. I have a very very slight headache, but it was worth it.
It’s like, an addict to something that makes sense, like alcohol, coke, meth. You feel frantic, fearful. You look for what you need, trying to walk, but you can’t stop yourself from running. Your hands shake, your eyes shift from side to side hysterically, and your breathing comes out as nothing more than small quick gasp for air. Then it’s in your hands, and you feel thankful, because you know what you need will soon be yours. Then you feel it, and although your hands are shaking and your breathing still isn’t normal, the calmness washes over you. You feel nothing but peacefulness now. You won’t think about your action till later, for now all you want is to feel. You don’t really feel the physical pain yet, because you can only feel the calmness, the relief. You no longer feel frantic, you no longer feel hysterical. Just peacefulness and overwhelming calmness. Even when you realize the minor pain your in, it really doesn’t feel like anything compared to the calmness.
Many of you can’t or won’t understand, and I get that, but read this. I wrote this during one of my “episodes” as I like to call them. This is exactly what I was feeling. People can’t realize how they feel (at least I didn’t) until they think about it. And this is it. It could be different for other people. But I know that with a lot of addictions (Although some of you would call it nothing more than a choice, something I choice to do, something sick and disturbed, and stupid), it begins with the need, the franticness, the fear (although fear of what, I’m not sure); they are some of the main emotions before the addiction is fulfilled, and the calmness washing over.
This isn’t something sick. One of my contacts once compared it to food disorders. She didn’t say they were the same at all, but she was just using an example, to try and show how self-harm is not something a person chooces. At first yes, but after a while, it’s no longer a choice. I like to compare it to addictions, more than to disorders. Like a smoker needs their cigarettes, like an alcoholic needs their alcohol, like a user needs their drugs, like a sex addict needs sex, I am a cutters who need to cut. Yes, we all took the first step by lighting the lighter, by opening the bottle, by trying the drug, by taking off the clothes, by picking up the razor. But after a while, after your have done it a few times, it becomes a necessity, something you need to do. Yes, we did start it, but we didn’t really choose to keep doing it. Yes, we could stop. Tell the smoker to wear a patch, the alcoholic to go to AA, the user to go to rehab. How many actually do it? Yes it may kill us in the end, even if we don’t mean for it to, even if we don’t want to die, but we don’t think about the future while we’re doing it. We think about now. We’re thinking about the calmness.