2nd November 2007 - Button Your Lip
Secret 28 - I'm not going to stay silent anymore
I'm naturally taciturn and I have a overriding tendency to bottle things up. If someone hurts me then I tend to keep it within and take the pain out on myself. One thing that's really come home to me during this 30 Secrets in 30 Days project is how cathartic it can be letting all these secrets out in the open. So I've decided, from now on, I'm going to try my hardest to be open and up front with everyone I deal with.
Over the years, there have been many things I've wished I could say or regretted not saying to various people in my life. I've heard many elderly people confess that, towards the end of their lives, they realise that their biggest regrets are the things they didn't do rather than the things they did. So, with the intention of having no regrets, I'm going to put them all here; I doubt that any of them will ever be read by the people in question but I think it would be healing to get them out of my system once and for all.
To my birth mother - I understand and I don't blame you for your decision. They put me with a good family. It hasn't always been easy - I'll forever be the cuckoo in the nest - but I know that they love me and will always stand by me. Thank you for giving me life - I hope I didn't mess yours up too much. I love you and, if I haven't ever come to find you, I have my reasons but it doesn't mean that I don't think about you every day.
To my birth father - I know we'll never meet or speak - I'll probably never even know your name - but I still think about you and wonder what it would have been like to know you.
To my birth grandparents - You should have stood by your daughter.
To my Nanna - I wish I had known you better. I was too young when you died and never appreciated just what a remarkable woman you were. I wish we could've had a few more years.
To NM - I'm sorry for hurting you. At the time I was too ill to appreciate what a good man you were. You were kind and brave and you always stood by me. Every man I've been out with since you has been a disappointment by comparison. I wish I could tell you how much I appreciated you. I hope you found happiness with someone else. Thank you for saving my life.
To CT - After 16 years of friendship, the least you could've done was ask me for my side of the story.
To TB - I didn't leave because you stabbed me in the back over that job. That was just the last straw. In all honesty, I was never comfortable with the way you treated G, with the affair you made me complicit in and with the lies you expected me to tell for you. When it came right down to it, being your friend meant compromising my moral beliefs far too often and I just couldn't live with it anymore.
To TK Yes, you get the longest speech; but then, you hurt me more than anyone else in my entire life.
You rushed me headlong into a full-on relationship; you told me you cared for me deeply and asked me to commit to waiting for you whilst you sorted out your life; then you just abandoned me without a word. You broke up with me by email; you refused to speak to me; you told me you "didn't want this to be goodbye", you "just wanted to step away from the relationship for a while" and left me hanging there, waiting for you, while all along you were pursuing another woman. I even asked you if there was someone else and you point blank denied it.
If you didn't care for me then you should never have pursued a relationship with me. If you did care then you should've talked to me, told me what the problem was and given me the chance to defend myself. And, if it was definitely over, then the absolute least you should've done is talk to me in person and tell me the truth.
You used me; you took my love, my time, my presents, my home, my family, my affection and you gave nothing. You threw me away like a piece of rubbish. People are not disposible; there's absolutely no justification for treating someone so casually and cruelly. Things could have been so different if only you'd had the courage and the compassion to be honest with me; if only, just once, you'd thought about my feelings instead of your own. You behaved like a coward and I'm deeply ashamed of you and of myself for giving my heart to you so easily.
I don't usually believe in regrets; I've always held that you can learn something from even your biggest mistakes. But I do regret meeting you; every memory I have has been tainted by your lies. I only hope that one day you'll learn not to treat other people's hearts so lightly.