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Confession

Matt Fitzwater-Stevens 5:10am, 24 August 2006
So I'm looking through my closet this morning, and I see a certain pair of jeans. These jeans have been faithful and soft. In denim, soft is important, unless you like wearing burlap. I've been forcibly separated from my jeans for a while, as a hectic schedule led to mondo fast food which led to mondo mid-30s spread.

So I've been dieting. Having dropped 10 or 15 pounds, I thought: "Hey...do you think that I might be able to reconcile with my jeans?" Hands trembling, I took the jeans down from their rack.

And they fit. I mean, they fit perfectly. Wahoo! Tangible frickin' results, and the sweetest of reunions!

So, considerably jazzed, I went out, latched the gate, opened my car and sat down.

*RIIIIPP!*

What separates me from the subjects of this pool is that I got up, went back into the house, and removed the ass-torn jeans. In LA, I probably would have worn them to nightclubs. Of a sort.
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TheDamnMushroom Posted 12 years ago. Edited by TheDamnMushroom (admin) 12 years ago
I am wearing jeans right now. "Movin' On" brand.

I don't wear jeans, and haven't for all of my adult life; I only own two pairs, which I have had since high school (my 20 year reunion was two months ago) and use them only when painting or doing heavy yardwork. I'm laying down tile in the bathroom today.

The good news is, I'm finally able to fit in them again, having seen the effects of the thirty year sprawl due to desk jobs the last six years. I've switched from boxed frozen meals and browsing at my desk to sammiches and strolling the block, and it's helping a bit.

The bad news is, the crotch came unseamed long ago and it's not going to get any better without work. You can breathe a sigh of relief because I wear tightie-whities... nothing cute, nothing daring, no fucking boxers, and no goin' commando in these pants.

The comforting news is, as said, I only wear these jeans when I'm painting or doing yardwork. Admittedly I wear them outdoors, but not to the store or anywhere the public might see me. I believe you can wear whatever the hell you want in your own yard, or nothing at all (but others disagree on that point), and your right to laugh begins and ends at the curb. Cross the street and you're fair game.

You are not alone, Matt. Glad to hear I'm not alone too. :)
hexodus... PRO 12 years ago
Good job fellas.

Matt, I want to commend you for your moral integrity and your respect for your fellow men and women. If others could follow your example, the world would be a better a place. Oh wait, if others followed your example Malingering would be out of a job.
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cmrowell 12 years ago
Ahh, but did you check for muffin top before heading out in those jeans? My wife now makes me check her for muffin top'age if she feels like her jeans are getting too tight. I can tell when I'm gaining weight because I start to feel my belly creep over the waistband of my jeans when I sit at work. I know it is time to start getting more exercise and cut back on the beer when that happens.

I feel like I'm on display in our front yard since the houses are so close together. Doesn't stop me from wearing old ripped and permanently stained clothing out there. But yeah, I wouldn't stray far in those outfits.

I think there is a strange law in our town that says that even if you are on your own property you can't be naked if you are visible to the public. Apparently some guy was walking around his backyard naked all the time and it offended the neighbors who could see him.
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Just to make you feel a bit better, Matt, old pants will split sometimes with very little provocation.

Give them a few stains, and then sell them out of your trunk as "A&F with the labels cut out".
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TheDamnMushroom Posted 12 years ago. Edited by TheDamnMushroom (admin) 12 years ago
I remember when stains were bad, holes may or may not have been de rigeur, but bleach was all the rage.

And while I've never witnessed it myself, I heard a news story years ago about how Goodwill Industries was coming out with its own line of designer jeans. Or more accurately, they'd remove the brand label and replace it with one that said "Goodies". I am guessing they dropped the idea when they realized no one wanted to advertise the fact that they bought their clothes at a thriftstore. Might obviously dress like it, but no sense confirming the notion. Years ago my baby brother showed me his new acid-wash pants and proudly announced they were $35; I said I coulda done the same with a $3 pair from Bargain World and a 25¢ packet of dry bleach from the laundromat, and he was rather unhappy with my nonplussed response.
Vidalia 12 years ago
I saw an episode of Project Runway Season 1. Heidi Klum was getting out of a limo in a pair of Lowrise jeans. She had MAD muffintop. Scarlett Johansen also had it in Match Point. Now...if these 2 people have muffin top...god help us all. No one looks good in those jeans.
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Faux Fat.
Matt Fitzwater-Stevens 12 years ago
@ cmrowell: Yes, I checked carefully for muffin top and gut-jut. I was clean.

@ TheDamnMushroom: Solidarity forever, man.

@ meowhous: Better yet, call them "vintage" and sell them for $80 on eBay.

@ hexod.us: Didn't even think twice, my friend. Well, okay, I thought once, but the tear that my shirt covered at 8 a.m. would work its way down by six. Not worth the risk.
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cmrowell 12 years ago
I had to double check my outfit this morning. I'm going to UCLA for a work related meeting. That is well within the Malingering zone. I even trimmed my nose hairs.
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Malingering 12 years ago
one time in college my most favorite pair of jeans which i'd worn down to mere threads ripped right across the ass. i mean from seam to seam in the butthigh area. i didn't have time to run back to the dorm to change so i ended up going the entire day with this huge hole in my pants. every time a breeze came up i could feel it on my butt and felt a wave of shame and embarrassment. i walked around the whole day with my portfolio behind me, trying to cover it up.

i guess now i would be cool.

cmrowell: don't worry, i never go to ucla anymore. took my degree and ran. too many bad memories there.
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TheDamnMushroom 12 years ago
So even Malingering has 'Malingering moments'? :)

Speaking of, in 1984 I was walking down the hall in high school with my friend Ted who was in a wheelchair (he was rolling, I was walking) and immediately in front of us was this tall blonde girl by the name of Betina. Her pants had done what Malingering described above, a hip-to-hip smile, but these were wear-shredded instead of one linear tear. Pink bikini briefs, as I recall, so there was ass-flesh and panty fabric visible. I couldn't help but think, this nearly-bare ass is right at Ted's eye level! We went to the elevator as she went up the stairs next to the elevator, so it was my turn as she ascended to get a straight-on view of her hinder. Once we were in the elevator I asked him what he thought of the view, and he said he hadn't noticed. If thong panties were in style at the time... wow.
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cmrowell Posted 12 years ago. Edited by cmrowell (admin) 12 years ago
I wear a pair of shorts with a rip in the crotch when I'm out gardening. I just hope the neighbors don't notice.

Malingering, I thought you might work in the UCLA area (no reasoning behind that idea, Santa Monica area would make more sense). It was nice to get out there and people watch. Plenty of ridiculousness in Westwood when we went for lunch. You would have made fun of me for my tucked in t-shirt, but I kind of have to do that when I'm on the clock.
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