Discussions (186)

Monkey Spanking Thread

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'SeraphimC says:

For the naughty monkeys.
5:15PM, 6 June 2006 PDT (permalink)

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revertebrate is a group administrator revertebrate says:

Uh-oh. Not the naughty monkeys...I just had the curtains cleaned!
ages ago (permalink)

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mlizzy says:

why is it that bad little monkeys always need to be spanked ? will they never learn ........tsk tsk
ages ago (permalink)

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Naughty Karate Monkey says:

..and with my schedule, I simply haven't the time... If only there were a service available that spanked monkeys for a small fee
ages ago (permalink)

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maddog. says:

Did you see what boddy posted? It's very relevant (from cut and paste thread)

www.metacafe.com/watch/147557/video/R/CFD_1002/
ages ago (permalink)

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Ice Nine says:

I LIKE MONKEYS

I like monkeys.

The pet store was selling them for five cents a piece. I thought that
odd since they were normally a couple thousand each. I decided not to
look a gift horse in the mouth. I bought 200. I like monkeys.

I took my 200 monkeys home. I have a big car. I let one drive. His
name was Sigmund. He was retarded. In fact, none of them were really
bright. They kept punching themselves in their genitals. I laughed.
Then they punched my genitals. I stopped laughing.

I herded them into my room. They didn't adapt very well to their new
environment. They would screech, hurl themselves off of the couch at
high speeds and slam into the wall. Although humorous at first, the
spectacle lost its novelty halfway into its third hour.

Two hours later I found out why all the monkeys were so inexpensive:
they all died. No apparent reason. They all just sorta' dropped dead.
Kinda' like when you buy a goldfish and it dies five hours later. Damn
cheap monkeys.

I didn't know what to do. There were 200 dead monkeys lying all over my
room, on the bed, in the dresser, hanging from my bookcase. It looked
like I had 200 throw rugs.

I tried to flush one down the toilet. It didn't work. It got stuck.
Then I had one dead, wet monkey and 199 dead, dry monkeys.

I tried pretending that they were just stuffed animals. That worked for
a while, that is until they began to decompose. It started to smell real
bad.

I had to pee but there was a dead monkey in the toilet and I didn't want
to call the plumber. I was embarrassed.

I tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing them. Unfortunately
there was only enough room for two monkeys at a time so I had to change
them every 30 seconds. I also had to eat all the food in the freezer so
it didn't all go bad.

I tried burning them. Little did I know my bed was flammable. I had to
extinguish the fire.

Then I had one dead, wet monkey in my toilet, two dead, frozen monkeys in
my freezer, and 197 dead, charred monkeys in a pile on my bed. The odor
wasn't improving.

I became agitated at my inability to dispose of my monkeys and to use the
bathroom. I severely beat one of my monkeys. I felt better.

I tried throwing them way but the garbage man said that the city wasn't
allowed to dispose of charred primates. I told him that I had a wet
one. He couldn't take that one either. I didn't bother asking about the
frozen ones.

I finally arrived at a solution. I gave them out as Christmas gifts. My
friends didn't know quite what to say. They pretended that they like
them but I could tell they were lying. Ingrates. So I punched them in
the genitals.

I like monkeys

(also a cut and paste)
Originally posted ages ago. (permalink)
Ice Nine edited this topic ages ago.

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betsymartian says:

HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA

Ice Nine, you get a gold star for that story.
ages ago (permalink)

educated twig [deleted] says:

I love mans ability to summarize a story.
very nice *applauds*


"Shock the Monkey" -Peter Gabriel
ages ago (permalink)

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mlizzy says:

gee i just had my birthday and nobody gave me a dead smelly charred monkey...............
* turns away sniffling and teary
ages ago (permalink)

various zoo [deleted] says:

I was hoping this was a thread for tips for, uh, er, monkey spanking.
ages ago (permalink)

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*steve_gobeil* says:

I spanked my monkey yesterday. How often should I do that?
ages ago (permalink)

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betsymartian says:

as often as you can without losing skin.
ages ago (permalink)

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*steve_gobeil* says:

Thanks
ages ago (permalink)

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mlizzy says:

well i guess we won't be hearing from steve for a while......
unless he can spank his monkey and type at the same time
ages ago (permalink)

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'SeraphimC says:

i vcan spank and tipowe
ages ago (permalink)

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'SeraphimC says:

I guess not
ages ago (permalink)

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mlizzy says:

good try tho ! enjoyed the visuals on that one !
ages ago (permalink)

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*steve_gobeil* says:

Stopping by to read some of mlizzy's porn
ages ago (permalink)

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'SeraphimC says:

That's a Robert Frost poem, right?
"Stopping by to Read Mlizzy's Porn on a Snowy Evening"
ages ago (permalink)

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dblues says:

In June.
ages ago (permalink)

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*steve_gobeil* says:

Wasn't that the one that talked about the two legs that spread?
ages ago (permalink)

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mlizzy says:

and i took the leg less traveled and that has made all the difference
ages ago (permalink)

various zoo [deleted] says:

how about when you start getting older and the monkey doesn't to "commands" as he used to?
ages ago (permalink)

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betsymartian says:

That's when you spank him all the harder. And shout at him, bad, bad words.
ages ago (permalink)

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maddog. says:

Ice, I can't believe I missed this earlier. That story is a beauty.

*applauds like a numpty*
ages ago (permalink)

educated twig [deleted] says:

when spanking your monkey keep in mind never to make direct contact with your hand to avoid disease. always use an inatimate object such as, spatula, wooden stick, weed whacker (highly appropriate) or a cheese grater...

wtf mate?
ages ago (permalink)

various zoo [deleted] says:

lots of people tell me my Mac G5 looks like a cheese grater—will that work? I don't have any of those other items here in the office.
ages ago (permalink)

educated twig [deleted] says:

well if all else fails VW you could take the cable out of your computer and wrap it around your monkey and choke it instead.

:-D
ages ago (permalink)

various zoo [deleted] says:

thanks!

*fumbles for cable*




uh oh… now I've got a dead monkey on my hands. What should I do, Nine Ice?
ages ago (permalink)

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maddog. says:

Spank it. Hard.

Keep going til it comes back to life.
ages ago (permalink)

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♥ Nat hamlin says:

There must be a kinder, gentler way.
Talk to it nicely. Fertilize thoroughly. Then a little sprinkle and I swear your little monkey will be blooming like lilacs in the springtime.

Works for me every time.
Originally posted ages ago. (permalink)
♥ Nat hamlin edited this topic ages ago.

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maddog. says:

*sends monkey flowers*
ages ago (permalink)

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revertebrate is a group administrator revertebrate says:

That's sweet. Flog the poor monkey to death then send it flowers.

Doesn't work so well with humans though. They tend not to call back for a 2nd date after that.
ages ago (permalink)

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dblues says:

be kind to your monkey and it will dance for you!
even more if you can find a warm cave for it to dance in!!
ages ago (permalink)

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betsymartian says:

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
@ revertebrate.





















It's funny cos it's true.
ages ago (permalink)

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revertebrate is a group administrator revertebrate says:

Isn't it just?
;)
ages ago (permalink)

educated twig [deleted] says:

what if you monkey has a flogging fetish?
ages ago (permalink)

various zoo [deleted] says:

I know a monkey that's getting very angry. I'm afraid flogging it will only enrage it more.
ages ago (permalink)

educated twig [deleted] says:

you monkey?

what i be smok'n? just stab the damn thing with a spork and be done with it.

Actually if I had a monkey I would dip it in melted garlic butter roll it around in flour, put it on a stick and deep fry it until it's lightly crispy and then wait a million years for it to become a human.
ages ago (permalink)

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betsymartian says:

I just got an urge to say something really horrifically rude.

**spanks self**
ages ago (permalink)

various zoo [deleted] says:

June 12, 2006: bestymartian becomes first member of Anal Dictatorship Powertrip Administration to use self-restraint.
ages ago (permalink)

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pixiepie says:

Self spanking. In self restraints. How does that work exactly?
ages ago (permalink)

various zoo [deleted] says:

lots of flailing around.
ages ago (permalink)

educated twig [deleted] says:

oh c'mon Betsy I wouldn't really put a stick through one. Impalement is sooo B.C.
Originally posted ages ago. (permalink)
educated twig edited this topic ages ago.

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betsymartian says:

OK I'm going to say what sprung to mind but I want you to know I'm only saying it because you all pulled me up on it, and it only came to my mind because I've known some terribly bad influences.

what I was going to say was...

"... and then you'd suck his crispy garlic cock".

**hangs head in shame**
ages ago (permalink)

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maddog. says:

*guffaws*

Betsy!!!!

*permalinks*
Originally posted ages ago. (permalink)
maddog. edited this topic ages ago.

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'SeraphimC says:

hahahahaahaaa!!
ages ago (permalink)

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mlizzy says:

MS. Betsy ! - good one gal ! what's up ? it must be getting near yer birthday or something ? cuase you posted photos AND typed the word cock............................hmmmm?
( maybe she' s on shrooms?)
ages ago (permalink)

educated twig [deleted] says:

I wouldn't suck it for fear that it would break off in my mouth...and that would be gross.

and also I prefer my cock with tarragon.
Originally posted ages ago. (permalink)
educated twig edited this topic ages ago.

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