'SeraphimC PRO 12:15am, 7 June 2006
For the naughty monkeys.
revertebrate 12 years ago
Uh-oh. Not the naughty monkeys...I just had the curtains cleaned!
mlizzy 12 years ago
why is it that bad little monkeys always need to be spanked ? will they never learn ........tsk tsk
Naughty Karate Monkey 12 years ago
..and with my schedule, I simply haven't the time... If only there were a service available that spanked monkeys for a small fee
maddog. 12 years ago
Did you see what boddy posted? It's very relevant (from cut and paste thread)

Ice Nine Posted 12 years ago. Edited by Ice Nine (member) 12 years ago

I like monkeys.

The pet store was selling them for five cents a piece. I thought that
odd since they were normally a couple thousand each. I decided not to
look a gift horse in the mouth. I bought 200. I like monkeys.

I took my 200 monkeys home. I have a big car. I let one drive. His
name was Sigmund. He was retarded. In fact, none of them were really
bright. They kept punching themselves in their genitals. I laughed.
Then they punched my genitals. I stopped laughing.

I herded them into my room. They didn't adapt very well to their new
environment. They would screech, hurl themselves off of the couch at
high speeds and slam into the wall. Although humorous at first, the
spectacle lost its novelty halfway into its third hour.

Two hours later I found out why all the monkeys were so inexpensive:
they all died. No apparent reason. They all just sorta' dropped dead.
Kinda' like when you buy a goldfish and it dies five hours later. Damn
cheap monkeys.

I didn't know what to do. There were 200 dead monkeys lying all over my
room, on the bed, in the dresser, hanging from my bookcase. It looked
like I had 200 throw rugs.

I tried to flush one down the toilet. It didn't work. It got stuck.
Then I had one dead, wet monkey and 199 dead, dry monkeys.

I tried pretending that they were just stuffed animals. That worked for
a while, that is until they began to decompose. It started to smell real

I had to pee but there was a dead monkey in the toilet and I didn't want
to call the plumber. I was embarrassed.

I tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing them. Unfortunately
there was only enough room for two monkeys at a time so I had to change
them every 30 seconds. I also had to eat all the food in the freezer so
it didn't all go bad.

I tried burning them. Little did I know my bed was flammable. I had to
extinguish the fire.

Then I had one dead, wet monkey in my toilet, two dead, frozen monkeys in
my freezer, and 197 dead, charred monkeys in a pile on my bed. The odor
wasn't improving.

I became agitated at my inability to dispose of my monkeys and to use the
bathroom. I severely beat one of my monkeys. I felt better.

I tried throwing them way but the garbage man said that the city wasn't
allowed to dispose of charred primates. I told him that I had a wet
one. He couldn't take that one either. I didn't bother asking about the
frozen ones.

I finally arrived at a solution. I gave them out as Christmas gifts. My
friends didn't know quite what to say. They pretended that they like
them but I could tell they were lying. Ingrates. So I punched them in
the genitals.

I like monkeys

(also a cut and paste)
betsymartian 12 years ago

Ice Nine, you get a gold star for that story.
educated twig [deleted] 12 years ago
I love mans ability to summarize a story.
very nice *applauds*

"Shock the Monkey" -Peter Gabriel
mlizzy 12 years ago
gee i just had my birthday and nobody gave me a dead smelly charred monkey...............
* turns away sniffling and teary
various zoo [deleted] 12 years ago
I was hoping this was a thread for tips for, uh, er, monkey spanking.
*steve_gobeil* PRO 12 years ago
I spanked my monkey yesterday. How often should I do that?
betsymartian 12 years ago
as often as you can without losing skin.
*steve_gobeil* PRO 12 years ago
mlizzy 12 years ago
well i guess we won't be hearing from steve for a while......
unless he can spank his monkey and type at the same time
'SeraphimC PRO 12 years ago
i vcan spank and tipowe
'SeraphimC PRO 12 years ago
I guess not
mlizzy 12 years ago
good try tho ! enjoyed the visuals on that one !
*steve_gobeil* PRO 12 years ago
Stopping by to read some of mlizzy's porn
'SeraphimC PRO 12 years ago
That's a Robert Frost poem, right?
"Stopping by to Read Mlizzy's Porn on a Snowy Evening"
dblues 12 years ago
In June.
*steve_gobeil* PRO 12 years ago
Wasn't that the one that talked about the two legs that spread?
mlizzy 12 years ago
and i took the leg less traveled and that has made all the difference
various zoo [deleted] 12 years ago
how about when you start getting older and the monkey doesn't to "commands" as he used to?
betsymartian 12 years ago
That's when you spank him all the harder. And shout at him, bad, bad words.
maddog. 12 years ago
Ice, I can't believe I missed this earlier. That story is a beauty.

*applauds like a numpty*
educated twig [deleted] 12 years ago
when spanking your monkey keep in mind never to make direct contact with your hand to avoid disease. always use an inatimate object such as, spatula, wooden stick, weed whacker (highly appropriate) or a cheese grater...

wtf mate?
various zoo [deleted] 12 years ago
lots of people tell me my Mac G5 looks like a cheese grater—will that work? I don't have any of those other items here in the office.
educated twig [deleted] 12 years ago
well if all else fails VW you could take the cable out of your computer and wrap it around your monkey and choke it instead.

various zoo [deleted] 12 years ago

*fumbles for cable*

uh oh… now I've got a dead monkey on my hands. What should I do, Nine Ice?
maddog. 12 years ago
Spank it. Hard.

Keep going til it comes back to life.
♥ Nat hamlin Posted 12 years ago. Edited by ♥ Nat hamlin (member) 12 years ago
There must be a kinder, gentler way.
Talk to it nicely. Fertilize thoroughly. Then a little sprinkle and I swear your little monkey will be blooming like lilacs in the springtime.

Works for me every time.
maddog. 12 years ago
*sends monkey flowers*
revertebrate 12 years ago
That's sweet. Flog the poor monkey to death then send it flowers.

Doesn't work so well with humans though. They tend not to call back for a 2nd date after that.
dblues 12 years ago
be kind to your monkey and it will dance for you!
even more if you can find a warm cave for it to dance in!!
betsymartian 12 years ago
@ revertebrate.

It's funny cos it's true.
revertebrate 12 years ago
Isn't it just?
educated twig [deleted] 12 years ago
what if you monkey has a flogging fetish?
various zoo [deleted] 12 years ago
I know a monkey that's getting very angry. I'm afraid flogging it will only enrage it more.
educated twig [deleted] 12 years ago
you monkey?

what i be smok'n? just stab the damn thing with a spork and be done with it.

Actually if I had a monkey I would dip it in melted garlic butter roll it around in flour, put it on a stick and deep fry it until it's lightly crispy and then wait a million years for it to become a human.
betsymartian 12 years ago
I just got an urge to say something really horrifically rude.

**spanks self**
various zoo [deleted] 12 years ago
June 12, 2006: bestymartian becomes first member of Anal Dictatorship Powertrip Administration to use self-restraint.
pixiepie 12 years ago
Self spanking. In self restraints. How does that work exactly?
various zoo [deleted] 12 years ago
lots of flailing around.
educated twig [deleted] Posted 12 years ago. Edited by educated twig (member) 12 years ago
oh c'mon Betsy I wouldn't really put a stick through one. Impalement is sooo B.C.
betsymartian 12 years ago
OK I'm going to say what sprung to mind but I want you to know I'm only saying it because you all pulled me up on it, and it only came to my mind because I've known some terribly bad influences.

what I was going to say was...

"... and then you'd suck his crispy garlic cock".

**hangs head in shame**
maddog. Posted 12 years ago. Edited by maddog. (member) 12 years ago


'SeraphimC PRO 12 years ago
mlizzy 12 years ago
MS. Betsy ! - good one gal ! what's up ? it must be getting near yer birthday or something ? cuase you posted photos AND typed the word cock............................hmmmm?
( maybe she' s on shrooms?)
educated twig [deleted] Posted 12 years ago. Edited by educated twig (member) 12 years ago
I wouldn't suck it for fear that it would break off in my mouth...and that would be gross.

and also I prefer my cock with tarragon.
Groups Beta