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harpy says:

i want to say something meaningful here. suddenly it seems pretty hard to do that.
Posted 30 months ago. ( permalink )

Oniric Mermaid says:

Love yourself, and do your best.Self-acceptance is the only way possible. We cannot pretend to be who we are not, who cannot fake who we are.Somebody there will accept you the way you are. Perhaps you cannot go yourself, but somebody can come to YOU
Posted 30 months ago. ( permalink )

matuko amini says:

i so agree with oniric mermaid...you have to come to terms with yourself before venturing out to others.
Posted 30 months ago. ( permalink )

sheryl stephen / WaveOfModulation says:

I love myself. I do my best.

I accept myself.

That's not why I've faked feelings. I understand now, it was an (unconscious) effort to unite, bond, reach out, feel. It is just how I respond to people. The primary way I get to experience or empathize many feelings is through reason.

I do have love. I'm not lonely. I'm just realizing the extent to which I'm not like everyone around me.

It's liberating to realize that some of my predispositions and boundaries and behaviors are biological and not because I'm "holding back, emotionally" as I've been thinking for the last few years.

Any of you who've commented have autism or know anyone that has autism? That's what I'm talking about here.
Posted 30 months ago. ( permalink )

matuko amini says:

well...it seems you have a handle on your behavior...and that's more than most folks!
Posted 30 months ago. ( permalink )

sheryl stephen / WaveOfModulation says:

Thanks, Adrienne.
I have a fair and not perfect understanding of myself. Some of my behaviors I thought (after years of therapy) were caused by life long depression or in some cases an inability to trust.

It's been a real learning experience seeing myself and those behaviors in the context of autism. Looking back and seeing how I got here and who I am in a different way. For example, though I'm not upset about having asperger syndrome, I realize now how lonely my sister must have been when we were little kids. I can empathize with how others experience me, now without having the pressure of thinking I should have been different or better or more.

I used to wonder (usually fleetingly) if love was real because I didn't feel it the way other people described it. I'm fortunate enough and mature enough to know that love IS real, we just don't all feel things the same way. And it's all right.

Not that I will give up on trying to connect with people, or working to improve my relationships and just trying to continue to grow and act within my values. I just have context now, and a better understanding of what makes me me.

I probably shouldn't have posted something like this without more explanation. These were just the thoughts that bubbled up yesterday
Posted 30 months ago. ( permalink )

sheryl stephen / WaveOfModulation says:

P.S. Thanks harpy and Oniric Mermaid. I appreciate the reaching out.

Oniric Mermaid, that's so ... (ironic?) that you said people will come to me. Because you're right, that's how it is between me and many of the people who love me. Years ago, a fellow writer and friend said my writing required people to come to where I was, instead of reaching out to them.

I think there was something true about this then that is still true. Even the people who say they are inspired to feel something through my writing or images, I think maybe they are people who can easily make the trip. So easily that they perceive it is my work that comes to them.

Or you know, maybe I am just talking out of my butt.
Posted 30 months ago. ( permalink )

Oniric Mermaid says:

Hi, I know what you are talking about. I read the tags and I have a general knowledge of what Asperger is. I'm sorry that you understood my comment in the wrong way, because I didnt say what you say I say. What I meant is that GIVEN YOUR CONDITION you have to accept that the way you relate to others is going to be different, not the usual. If you accept that, and the others accept that ("come to you") you perhaps will feel better..
I wasnt ironic, why? I mean, you put it as if I was a nasty person try to be nasty to you. In cases like this I comment with my heart, not trying to offend anybody, quite the opposite. don't know you personally, so I cannot comment on real facts or the real you. I'm commenting on A TEXT YOU LEFT. Perhaps, I should have left it pass, after all is not my business. Sorry if my comment made you feel bad. It wasnt my attention at all.
Posted 30 months ago. ( permalink )

susiefairchild says:

You are just talking out of your butt. I'm kidding, but that was too good a "crack" to pass up. You are real. And I think that you are absolutely right that people have to come to you. Well, that's not entirely true, because your writing (and your photography) definitely beckon people, make people want to draw closer to you. I see that as a tremendous gift that you have. The other part, though, is that they (we) do have to come and get it, you're not throwing "it" out like confetti. The process of trying to come and get it, to really understand what you're putting out, has been and is, a really rich, very rewarding process for me, and I know for lots and lots of others. So well worth the effort. What good thing is easy? II haven't found such a thing yet.
Posted 30 months ago. ( permalink )

susiefairchild says:

To Oniric Mermaid, I just read your comment and you sound a bit upset. I'm taking the outrageous liberty of responding to you on behalf of WoM, whom I hope will delete this instantly if she so desires. But Mermaid, I DO know WoM, and I would just ask you to reread her reply to you. She thanks you, says she appreciates you and that you are RIGHT. There's no attitude there, and I am quite sure she didn't think or mean to imply you were being nasty. I 100% guarantee it. Irony isn't a bad thing. I'm certain that you've misunderstood, perhaps in the way you thought WoM misunderstood you. Her reply to you was sincerely saying that you've made a good point, one that someone in her history has also made. Peace to you.

WoM: Look at me, all up in your business. I do mean the preceding, I shall take no offense if you delete me summarily. And I KNOW that you are fully capable of explaining yourself. I just thought, "Oh, no, this person thinks WoM was saying something she wasn't saying at all...I don't want her to go around thinking that all day." Truly, I'm probably doing this because I've been grossly misunderstood quite a lot lately. xxx
Posted 30 months ago. ( permalink )

sheryl stephen / WaveOfModulation says:

Oniric Mermaid, I wasn't upset or offended by your comment! I'm sorry if I gave that impression... or misunderstood what you meant. I think text communication makes it difficult to interpret tone, etc

"Talking out of my butt" for example - wasn't sarcastic, just poking fun at myself :)

And perhaps instead of the word 'ironic' I should have said 'coincidental'.

I only found out about the asperger syndrome in the last few months. I'm just beginning to understand and just learning how to talk about it...

One thing I haven't been able to clearly express in general (not just here) is that I don't set out to fake emotions, it just happens. A kind of mimicry that helps me connect and relate to people... I've been doing it all my life.

The part about pretending has to do with thinking some things can change which probably can't change. Maybe it's not as much pretending as just a habit. For years I've been telling myself I can (and should) heal and grow in order to change certain responses and behaviors.

And sometimes when I am trying to express it, people say "Just do x" or "Just stop doing x".

This conversation has helped me. I'm sorry it's been awkward, or if I have upset anyone.
Posted 30 months ago. ( permalink )

sheryl stephen / WaveOfModulation says:

It's all ok. :)

And lately I seem to be thinking that people are misinterpreting me - even when they aren't! heh
Posted 30 months ago. ( permalink )

sheryl stephen / WaveOfModulation says:

Thanks Susie.
I'm so confused (sort of kidding!) - not used to so many rich and thoughtful comments.

I do appreciate it so much, all of you.
Posted 30 months ago. ( permalink )

Oniric Mermaid says:

All clear, I thought you were really upset. Mostly because of your comment above the one you thanked me. Then the "ironic" in the coment directed to me really confussed me, it made me think that you got the impression that I was being judgemental. It is just a misunderstanding of words. Sometimes when people use ironic is not like you mean it here, but just more like sarcastic, and that's why I understood. As I said, I did comment with the best intention. But it is difficult to do so whithout knowing the real person. That makes a difference. I wasnt upset, I thought you were upset at me for the wrong reasons, that;s why I apologised to you. No need to worry, at all. Have a great weekend. All clear now, Phew!
Posted 30 months ago. ( permalink )

d.lish says:

do you have aspergers? ok.. i just saw the comment above.. i think its wonderful to know what's shakin in that mind . body . spirit . i work with a lot of aspy kids . and some adults too . good to know how your system works and what that means

i believe my x has it . and honestly . and with some amount of sadness . i wish i had realized a very very long time before the lightbulb moment . you put an OVERLY emo (and DESIROUS of emotion female . and an undiagnosed aspby in a marriage . and um . it can be hard times)

i think knowledge is power . and must be relieving . much good energy your way... thank you for sharing this

and i do believe the people who come can make the trip
:)
Posted 30 months ago. ( permalink )

sheryl stephen / WaveOfModulation says:

Thank you, Oniric Mermaid. I'm glad you came back!

_dlishs_grind, thank you, too.
Yes, I learned recently I have asperger syndrome. Not to a debilitating degree, but affects me all the time nonetheless. I learned about it because during my yearly checkup I asked my doctor about increasingly feeling overwhelmed, attention issues (focusing too long & too much on some things and an inability to focus on some things), and short term memory issues. First they checked me for neurological issues. Then I went to a specialist to take tests for ADD. During the discussion after those tests the psychiatrist recommended testing for the autism spectrum.

What you said about your x rings true for me, too. I am attracted to people who are emotionally low key. My current boyfriend and I have been together for 8 years. Though he is independent and mellow, he requires a lot of touch. He especially has a thing for touching my hair. I have trouble tolerating light touch. At worst it can feel almost unbearable, at best it feels annoying. For years I tried to force myself to hold still for this, partly because I knew my boyfriend needed that connection, partly because I wanted to enjoy being touched. I still can't stand certain kinds of touch, but now I do enjoy touch (I have slowly been able to express what kinds of touch I can stand and he has slowly learned how to touch me in a way that doesn't make me disconnect). I'm able to connect with him that way. We're just getting to the place where sometimes it is not a conscious effort to connect.

My "spacey-ness" has also been an issue. I have no sense of time passing, I lose things and forget things, I appear to be in my own world, I don't look at him as much as he would like.

If he was less patient or needed more interaction, I doubt we would have lasted as long as we have. We've almost broken up, usually over feelings of disconnection.

I conceive of myself as sort of an observer. Even though I have a persona that I wear at work or in social situations. I don't mind being the center of attention (leading meetings or being a goofball at parties), but the thing is, I am still unaware of the people around me at some basic level. It's like I can't "act" and listen and perceive at the same time. The times I feel most comfortable and happy are the times I feel like I have "lost myself" in activity or music or dance...and now, occasionally I can feel that lying next to my boyfriend, unfocusing my eyes and disappearing into the moment.

Most of my memories of myself whether short term or long term involve me looking at myself in a scene as though I am out of my body.

You're right about how learning about asperger syndrom is a relief, especially in some ways. A year ago or so I ended 5 years of individual and group therapy. I was never really able to feel things in front of my group or in front of my therapist. I mean, I would occasionally, but I couldn't make myself be present the way other people were. My therapist and I both treated it as though I just wasn't ready to open up because of depression or trust issues. The thing is, sometimes I have been just flooded with emotion, but I have no control over when it occurs, I can't make it happen.

I can empathize, and this is one of the things that kept me from finding out about asperger syndrome for so long. My mother has been mentally ill all my life, sometimes she wast extremely ill and violent. It was a survival mechanism that helped me to learn to watch for cues, watch for subtle changes in her face and voice. I never knew I was empathizing via reason, but it makes so much sense to me now.

Ironic that her illness helped me learn more adaptive ways of being. Those adaptive ways of being have led to all of the successes in my life: at work, in friendships and relationships.

It's a huge relief too, to stop thinking of myself as trapped by depression and mistrust of other people. Amazing how much differently I saw myself through that lens (intellectually, anyway). And how I expected myself to "heal". I looked for signs in my behavior of more emotional-ness (like gut feelings or expression of emotion in front of others) and I thought those would mean I was getting better.

This is a looong comment. But this discussion is giving me opportunities to put things together. It's been so helpful.
Posted 30 months ago. ( permalink )

sheryl stephen / WaveOfModulation says:

P.S.
I am sorry about your x. It has got to be hard, lonely, frustrating to love someone who doesn't respond in the ways you need.

And I admire your efforts working with aspy kids and adults. What do you do? Is it art related?
Posted 30 months ago. ( permalink )

Amanda B._ says:

I love you bunny.
Posted 30 months ago. ( permalink )

sheryl stephen / WaveOfModulation says:

Amanda, I love you too.
Thank you, that made me feel really good inside. :)
Hugs!
Posted 30 months ago. ( permalink )

d.lish says:

you rock sister!

thank you for your candor
i love that the balance is there for you in the ways you need
that you have a sense of peace
its work . but working from a place of inappropriate truth
is much more difficult on the soul and the psyche
then working from a sense of REAL self

with my x . its all good
its all the way its supposed to be :)
we have amazing children together

i think its frustrating in relationships for everyone
to not understand or accept how the other processes
and be incapable of meeting their needs
on both sides.. it goes both ways in this situation i believe

to be so different at the core
and yet . trying so hard to understand
and having it fail

...

i work at a school for special kids :)
i am a project manager . trainer . creative girl on campus
i have a pretty stellar jobbie

there are blessings in everything
blessings to you today
d
Posted 30 months ago. ( permalink )

matuko amini says:

it's been so enlightening reading this exchange...i know a young man with the same syndrome and he's coming along. he was diagnosed when he was about 6 years old...he's 12 now and his growth has been wonderful.
thank you for being so open...
Posted 30 months ago. ( permalink )

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harpy says:

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