Figging is the new dogging

I was turned on to this last night by my good friend, Jack, who is something of an expert in alternative sexual practices.

Figging is what all the cool kids will be doing this year (hell, they've been doing it for donkey's years). You get a decent-sized lump of root ginger, peel it, whittle it into the shape of a schlong and stick it nicely up yer bum. Within seconds you're tingling inside and out, and horny as fuck.

Obviously I was intrigued by this, so popped into Somerfield on the way home and got some supplies. That was an hour and a half ago, since then I've worn the root down to a stump, come twelve times and caused water damage to the flat downstairs.

Of course, me being me, I like to experiment a little, so I stuck some chillis up my cunt, rubbed lime juice in my eyes and clamped my clit in the garlic press. I'm a culinary genius and do you know what? I think it's cleared up my cold a treat!

(More information on figging here: www.figging.com/)