{13:365} 7 Things About Me

There's this meme going around on Twitter and I was tagged to play along with 7 stories about pooping while giving birth. Wait, come back! I'm just kidding (though I did poop while having Aaron--no, wait, come back!).

Since my personal blog is pretty much dormant, I figured I'd do the meme right here on flickr to accompany one of my daily photographs for 2009.

I reserve the right to not be grilled about any of these seven things by anyone who knows me "in real life."

1. I went from an ugly duckling kid with greasy hair, hand-made polyester pantsuits courtesy of my grandma, and crooked teeth (the worst case my orthodontist had ever seen) who was regularly beaten and taunted by neighborhood older boys to a high school/20something swan who attracted a great deal of male attention--more than I could usually handle; I wanted to be liked for my smarts & sense of humor, always (though now if anyone even hints at flirting I go full-on Sally Field on them--You like me! You really like me!).

I went back to wallflower again in my 30s by gaining weight after having kids and pretty much completely lacking in fashion sense. Seriously, I am a TOTAL dork and know that Trinny and Susannah (the original & only What Not To Wear hosts I can abide) would love to have their way with me. I can't honestly say what's worse; to have never been beautiful at all, or to have once been a head-turner only to lose it in the anonymity of motherhood and growing older and the bodily changes that came with it for me (I realize there are many hot mamas out there who got their groove back, but I ain't one of 'em; I'm not exactly Jabba the Hutt either but if heads turn when I walk past now, it's usually because I farted or stumbled and fell over).

When I attended my 20-year high school reunion, I'd changed so much that nobody recognized me. That wasn't just humbling; it was humiliating. I was a punchline; one of the people everyone likes to laugh about who'd "let herself go." The one thing I wanted to do at my reunion, besides reconnect with people I actually missed (and some I'd completely forgotten existed and was very pleasantly surprised to see again), was to call this one girl out as the bitch that she'd always been and still was. So when she mouthed off to me at the reunion, I froze, knowing she'd just publicly call me a fatty. Which means I pretty much got owned by my own damned self at my high school reunion. Sums up my life pretty succinctly, now that I think about it.

2. Up until I met my husband, every single guy but one who hit on me in my 20s was a musician. I was NOT a groupie or a musician, but loved music and was a barfly, so musicians always managed to find me.

3. I've kept a journal in some form since age 11 and I have them all, and I've been taking photos since I was a kid, too. I switched to electronic journaling and blogging around 2003 and left film photography in 2005 to go digital. Being a writer, I tend to record the insightful and funny things my kids do and say, and I capture many great moments with my camera, too. A good friend pointed out to me recently that I have a deep need to record my time here on earth; I'd never realized this about myself until she said it. It fits. Now my only "journaling" is this photography project and my insane rantings on Twitter, and I'm completely happy with this.

4. Becoming a mother is the best decision I ever made, hands down. Each of my three sons is so distinctive and their minds amaze me. But more than that, they gave me a higher purpose for being here. I'd struggled with depression on and off through the years, but the day Jackson was born I looked at Dan as I held him and said, "I'll never commit suicide now," and I meant it. Dan being Dan, this totally solid emotional rock, he just said, "Okay." I remember bringing little Jackie home and being shell-shocked sitting in the basement of our condo watching the movie "Parenthood" and trying to laugh but we were so freaked out by all this responsibility for this tiny angry pink human.

I did not do well postpartum and had true post-partum depression about nine months after the birth of our second son, and I got help, thankfully. With a phenomenal therapist and eventually medication, I was able to once again live what I call "above the line," and I've been there ever since. I try to take time every day to be thankful for this.

I am proud of the ways in which I've stepped up to the challenges of parenthood; I had to make many pretty significant changes, like resetting my default response from screaming and yelling to patience and calm. Parenthood isn't for everyone, but it suits me well and I feel it's a privilege. I always say, it's seldom easy but often rewarding, and it's true.

5. Several guys asked me to marry them but I only said yes to one. I met my husband online but we were just friends. He suggested I stop by his regular bar in Chicago some time, and when I was out with girlfriends, I mentioned this off-hand one night at the Hopleaf on the North Side and they just HAD to see him. Like a pack of mildly retarded but highly agitated superheroes, we raced to someone's car and went to his hangout, telling the bartender to let us know when he arrived. When he walked in, my best friend said, "Aw, he's not your type". When Dan proposed six months later, my ex boyfriend, with whom I'd been for over 6 years but left months before I met my husband, also proposed. That REALLY messed with my head. It was very painful because I didn't want to hurt anyone, and it was confusing having two guys on their very best behavior like that!

A tiny but very shrill and insistent voice inside my head kept saying, "No! I don't want this to end! I need to see where the path leads with Dan!"

I listened to that voice. I'm glad I did, and I'm thinking so is he and our three kids! The man I married has treated me with respect from the moment we met, always puts our family first, and has steadfastly supported my writing and photography. There are many reasons I became a writer and I did so with the help and generosity of so many people, but he was always in the background saying 'You need to write," almost every day. And he makes me laugh every day. I never underestimate how valuable that is. No matter how far our body parts wrinkle and sag, as long as we can laugh about something, we'll be good.

6. In 1994, three friends and I dropped acid before driving a scenic road to the top of Mt. Evans in Colorado. When we reached the top, suddenly our car was surrounded by mountain goats who were accustomed to being fed by passing motorists. Seeing mountain goats nibbling at your car windows and noticing that they have HORIZONTAL PUPILS while you're peaking? That was the BEST! I swear that was one of the most fun days of my entire life. We saw rainbows and a full moon that day, too; I have photos of all of it, so I know we weren't just imagining it!

7. I want to be a published novelist more than anything else in the world that's within my grasp. I know how high the odds are stacked against me, but I still want it. I only started writing fiction in 2008 and freelancing in 2003; never self-identified as a writer before that; I just wrote. I guess I thought all writers lived in New York and wore vests or something; I don't know. The Internet has made being a writer that much easier, I realize. I just remembered a college professor this past week who'd publicly shamed me for an essay assignment I'd written in my sophomore year at the U of Illinois at Chicago. My 19-year-old self knew the guy was an ego tripper but I think somewhere deep inside a switch was tripped; "if this is what writing is like, I don't want any part of it." Today, I'd NEVER let an editor treat me the way I let that prof treat me. Life's too short to work with or for dicks; I've learned that much.