Bridge of Python

King Arthur: Now, we are about to attempt to cross...the Bridge of Death!
The gate-keeper of the Bridge will ask any who attempt to cross five
questions---Sir Bedevere: Three, sire.

Arthur: (pause) Oh, yes, three. He who successfully answers these five
questions--

Bedevere: Three, sire!

Arthur: (slightly longer pause) Ah, three, then...er, may pass in safety.
However, anyone who fails to correctly answer all five questions-

Bedevere: THREE, sire!

Arthur: I KNOW IT'S BLOODY THR--ahem, yes, of course, three. (black look
at Bedevere)...will be cast into the Gorge of Eternal Peril!!!

(dramatic music)

Arthur: (continuing) Sir Robin, why don't you go?

Sir Robin: Er...I've got an idea! Why doesn't Sir Lancelot go?

Sir Lancelot: Yes, I'll take him, sire. (about to draw sword) I'll make a
feint to the North-East, and then--

Arthur: No, no, just answer the questions, Sir Lancelot.

Lancelot: But I'd really like a feint to the North-East, sire...

Arthur: No, Sir Lancelot. We'll all be right behind you, listening...

Lancelot: (sheathing sword) I...understand, sire.

Arthur: Our prayers go with you, Sir Lancelot.

(Lancelot approaches the bridge. Suddenly, out of nowhere,
the BRIDGEKEEPER appears.)

Bedevere: (whispering) It's the old man from Scene 24!!

Bridgekeeper: STOP!
He who would cross the Bridge of Death
Must answer me
These questions three
Ere the other side he see.

Lancelot: Ask me your questions, Bridgekeeper. I am not afraid.

Bridgekeeper: What...is your name?

Lancelot: Sir Lancelot of Camelot.

Bridgekeeper: What...is your quest?

Lancelot: To seek the Holy Grail.

Bridgekeeper: What...is your favorite color?

Lancelot: Blue.

Bridgekeeper: Right, off you go.

Lancelot: (slightly surprised) Oh! Well, thank you. Thank you very much.

(and off he goes. The knights look at each other.)

Robin: That's EASY!!!

(A mad rush for the bridge. Robin arrives first. The knights
cluster behind. A few sniff and wrinkle their noses, and the
group backs off.)

Bridgekeeper: STOP!
He who would cross the Bridge of Death
Must answer me
These questions three
Ere the other side he see.

Robin: (excitedly) Ask me your questions, Bridgekeeper, I am not afraid.

Bridgekeeper: What...is your name?

Robin: Robin of Camelot.

Bridgekeeper: What...is you quest?

Robin: I seek the Grail!

Bridgekeeper: What...is the capital of Assyria?

Robin: (indignant) I don't know THAT!! (An unseen force whisks him up
and over the side.) AAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGHHH!!!!!!!

(The knights pause, realizing this may be a bit tougher than
all that.)

*** Note: The following bit was cut from the movie. ***

Bedevere: What shall we do, sire?

Arthur: Well, I'm not sure, but...

Bridgekeeper: (off) What...goes black, white, black, white, black, white?

Sir Gawain: (off) Uh...er...ah...Babylon? AAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!!

*** Movie resumes. ***

Bridgekeeper: STOP!
He who would cross the Bridge of Death
Must answer me
These questions three
Ere the other side he see.

Sir Galahad: (swallowing) Ask me your questions, Bridgekeeper...I am not
afraid...

Bridgekeeper: What...is your name?

Galahad: (nervous) Sir Galahad...

Bridgekeeper: What...is your quest?

Galahad: (really nervous) To seek the Grail...

Bridgekeeper: What...is your favorite color?

Galahad: (relieved) Blue! (starts across; oops) NO!
YELLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWW!!!!

(Arthur steps forward)

Bridgekeeper: STOP!
He who would cross the Bridge of Death
Must answer me
These questions three
Ere the other side he see.

Arthur: Ask me your questions, Bridgekeeper. I am not afraid.

Bridgekeeper: What...is your name?

Arthur: King Arthur of the Britons!

Bridgekeeper: What...is your quest?

Arthur: I seek the Holy Grail!

Bridgekeeper: What...is the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow?

Arthur: (brief pause) What do you mean, an African or a European swallow?

Bridgekeeper: (confused) Well...I don't know...AAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGHHHH!!!

Bedevere: (crossing behind Arthur) How do you know so much about swallows,
sire?
Arthur: Well, you have to know these sorts of things when you're a king,
you know...


*** Note: The following bit was cut from the movie. ***

(Arthur and Bedevere approach a gigantic lake.
A boat in the shape of a dragon glides slowly
towards them. As they prepare to cross, the
same old man suddenly appears before them.)

Boat-keeper: STOP!
He who would cross the Sea of Fate
Must answer me these questions twenty-eight!

(Arthur and Bedevere look at each other. They look
at the old man. They look back at each other. They
pick the old man up, throw him in the water, and board
the ship.)