So, I borrowed a recipe for pie from a dudette named "piebob" on IRC. This is the awesome tasting result, topped with a bit of light whipped cream (store bought, unfortunately) and some cinnamon.
The recipe is incredibly simple:
● 1 crust. Dry crusts (e.g. graham, oreo) tend to work better than pastry
● 12 oz (about a heaping cup) chocolate chips. I used Ghirardelli's dark chocolate—I hate how commercial pies use milk chocolate. I shouldn't need to tell you to not skimp on the chocolate, but don't—too little and you'll taste the tofu.
● 2–3 spoons agave syrup or honey
● 20–24 oz (just under 2 packages) "silken", firm tofu. That is, you want the Japanese stuff typically sold in aseptic packages, not the Chinese stuff you find chilled in the produce section.
Melt the chocolate in a double boiler. Once melted, blend the chocolate, agave syrup/honey, and tofu in a blender. Do this quickly before the chocolate begins to resolidify, which will make blending difficult. Pour into the crust and chill for 2–3 hours. Top with whipped cream when serving.
While my rendition is obviously not vegan, it can easily be made vegan by using skipping the whipped cream and using vegan chocolate (make sure you specifically check — most chocolate contains milk).