and so it ends. 365:365!!

To even begin to explain what this project has done for me in the past year…I’ll have to share some very private things. Struggles that were too difficult to talk about when I was in the middle of them….so I hope that if you are close to me and reading about this for the first time, you understand that it has nothing to do with a lack of trust. It was just something I couldn’t share before.

For the past five years I have been in and out of therapy dealing with debilitating self esteem issues. The absolute anguish and lack of self esteem that I was suffering from was immense…and something that no one, aside from my husband knew just how bad they were.

A little over a year ago, I was finally diagnosed with Body Dysmorphic Disorder . It was good to finally have a name and a plan in place to try to climb out.

At the same time, I had been on flickr for quite a while and had obviously seen the 365 Project. One day, my therapist asked me what would be the scariest thing I could ever think about doing….and the first thing that came to mind was taking a photo of myself every day for a year. I told her about the project and she urged me to try it when I was ready.

Four days later, I took this photo. It, and the poem I paired with it represented everything I was feeling. And the days went on….and every day….I got my camera out and decided that this would be one way I would set free the demons that were controlling my life. It was emotionally challenging….and then, one day….it wasn’t hard anymore.

Of course, the 365 project didn’t take care of everything…medicine, extensive cognitive behavioral therapy, and the absolute desire to get better….were in the mix. But… I think this project had a large part in making things come together in my head (my quirky and confused head).

You know the old superstition that photographs steal your soul, right? In a way, I think my photos did that. They stole my broken soul. They stole it, played a little magic, and gave me a restored soul back. And it was nothing short of a miracle.

This year….I have been able to break free from a condition that has weighed me down for years. And by breaking free?? I have been able to do so many great things….meet so many amazing people….and really start becoming who I was meant to be.

I still struggle from time to time. Every day is not perfect….but today…I am medicine free...and I truly feel my struggle mirrors that of an average person. What a difference a year can make, huh? I have finally arrived…and there is no doubt in my mind that I am going to do amazing things with my newfound freedom.

Thank you to all of my friends and family who have supported me through this year. With my 365 project, my photography, and my wellbeing in general. I am so grateful for you all. I especially want to thank Jeff, who has been the most supportive person I have ever known…who dealt with a lot over the past several years….and stood by my side anyway.

I am happy this project is over….in my mind, it all feels so complete and perfect.
I know this is a novel….whew. And if you have gotten this far…thank you. I did want to mention another thing I am really proud of with my 365 project was the fact that I paired every photo with a literary quote or lyrics to a song that expressed what the photo meant to me (sometimes I added it a little late…but they are all there). So…I’ll end with a poem….this time….one that I wrote.

There are two very different people in this poem….and I am happy to say that this year, my old self walked away.

Rain Dance
By Julie Ziesemann


Dancing on the porch
in the rain
naked.
Who would have thought
I’d ever do that?
You stood there
afraid to move
hiding yourself.

I laughed and danced
arms reaching the sky
catching rain.
You acted as if I were
crazy as you turned around
and walked away.

You anticipated me to
follow. Your expectations
were the last thing
on my mind.