Big Life Lesson #1
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An outside observer can tell you what's going on outside your body, but if you want to know what's going on inside, you have to ask.
And it's true the other way too. You can't expect your friend to know how you feel unless you tell them. So many misunderstandings happen when people think they can read other people's feelings from the outside, and when people expect others to anticipate their needs and wants.
I'm sure it must seem like common sense, but it's amazing how many relationships are damaged by not accepting this limit -- people can't read minds.
These expectations probably come from infancy and parenting, when a baby has limited ability to inform the parent what its needs are and the parent has to be good at guessing. But a baby's needs are simple. Feed me, hold me, change my diaper. Adults are (we hope!) more complicated than that.
Comments
Will it only work if the observer is your
friend? :-)
Posted 31 months ago.
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I previously thought that a baby's needs were
rather simple until I recently had one . He can have rather complex demands like
entertain me. Sometimes he is not easily
entertained. Must be genetic.
Posted 31 months ago.
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Solipsism personified.
However, sometimes even my friends won't
tell me when I have a pice of spinach stuck
in my tooth.
Posted 31 months ago.
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Uhhh, John -- no. Anyone can see the piece of
crap on your back, friend, enemy, indifferent
person.
Posted 31 months ago.
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It does sound very much like The Problem of Other Minds . And I agree, it'd be nice if others
pointed out the crap more often, especially
your friends. In a nice way, of course. ;)
Posted 31 months ago.
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I was having dinner with a friend recently
and (no gender specified) had a big booger
hanging off the end of (no gender specified)
nose. I didn't say anything, I decided it was
an endearing feature, and I'd use it to
elevate my humor for the evening. Everything
the person said was just a bit more
entertaining because it was said with a
booger hanging off the nose.
Posted 31 months ago.
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Dave, I was right there with you until you
didn't tell your friend about the booger. :-~
) (that's my friend-with-booger emoticon)
Friends always tell friends they have a
booger hanging off the (no gender specified)
nose.
Posted 31 months ago.
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cnvc.org/ says the same thing.
Posted 31 months ago.
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Rex, I'm not entirely sure you wouldn't have
done exactly what I did. I'll have to tell
you the rest of the story someday.
Posted 31 months ago.
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so you used the booger to build the humor of
the evening... while out in public??? and
this was a friend? ugh.
Posted 31 months ago.
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spcoon, in a friendly way. ugh.
Posted 31 months ago.
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Is this ugh thing a way people in your next
of the woods greet each other. Sort of like
ciao? I like it. ugh.
Posted 31 months ago.
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ugh.
Posted 31 months ago.
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Yeah it works. ugh.
Posted 31 months ago.
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When a person writes as much as you do, Dave,
people automatically start to think they know
what's going on inside you. It
"feels" like you're expressing it,
so they don't have to ask.
Posted 31 months ago.
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Yeah it doesn't actually work that way, I
guess that's the point, eh? ;->
Posted 31 months ago.
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Dave.... Last night I was re-reading some old
writing along a similar vein... about that
which is experienced inside and how it is or
isn't apparent on the outside. Thanks (in
part) to your post, I went and posted it on my site.
Posted 31 months ago.
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Now that's something you don't see often:
actual handwriting! Everyone should draw up a
diagram of their choice and post it. Another
way to see a bit more of someone's
personality. I think so anyway!
Posted 31 months ago.
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Hippies.
Posted 31 months ago.
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RIP Stew Albert
http://stewa.blogspot.com/
***
Your inside is out when your outside is in
Your outside is in when your inside is out
So come on, come on
Come on is such a joy
Come on is such a joy
Come on is make it easy
Come on is make it easy
Make it easy, take it easy
Everybody's got something to hide except
for me and my monkey,
hey
Come on, come on, come on, come on...
-- T. Beatles
Posted 31 months ago.
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Dave, good thought but you need to take it
further. People can't tell you what's going
on inside their heads. In shorthand (and I'll
be glad to provide a more erudite explantion
if you're interested), we all bullshit
ourselves. Asking what's going on inside is
good -- but it cannot be taken at face value.
jay
Posted 31 months ago.
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Jay, yes, of course. That's life-lesson
number 237.
Posted 31 months ago.
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To extend Jay's thought - Coaching works well
because it helps you figure out what is going
on inside your own thoughts - reduces your
own B.S. to you.
And, Dave, if you ever see a booger on my
nose, please tell me. At least before I leave
and see someone else.
Posted 31 months ago.
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cool.
Posted 31 months ago.
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I've gotten a bunch of whiny email about the
booger. Here's a new piece of data. It was a
woman. Does that change things?
If she were my best friend I might tell
her. The way I see it is a woman would be
horrified to know that she had a booger
hanging off her her nose and it was visible
to me. The fact that I helped her would be
secondary, imho.
Now a guy would really appreciate the
advice, I totally get that (I'm a guy after
all). But all of the commenters so far have
been men. I haven't heard a woman say yet
that I did wrong.
Also I should say this is not one of my
closest friends. I trust her and I think she
trusts me, but I can't say I know for sure
how she feels about her appearance and
grooming.
Posted 31 months ago.
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different strokes for different folks. i
probably would've gestured that there was
something on her nose, playfully commented
and moved the conversation elsewhere where
she felt comfortable, but hey, that's me.
so about that opml validator... ;-)
Posted 31 months ago.
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C'mon Dave the booger was garnish for the
dessert that was yet to arrive.
I would 'a said; "'Got a pocket
mirror? You might want to use it."(
gestureing toward the "hanger"
& yeah guys do not often carry those
pocket mirrors unless a good scout . )
The diagram; Many times even Even if we ask we often do not get the "straight
dope"
on what's going on on the inner workings of
a friend/associate. It can be a wonderful
connection moment. Then again asking may
reveal what you do not want to hear (or would
rather not know).
So often we are left with "where
someone was@ that last interaction"
which gives us that "Expected
image" of where we think someone is currently, so often we are
dead wrong ( Isn't this how wars are
started?). Like our perception has manytimes
little to do with another's truth.
Posted 30 months ago.
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This is the basis for why it takes a long
time to build a quality relationship and only
seconds to destroy one.
We don't get the 'real scoop' first time
around on anyone or anything. It takes
multiple approaches and attempts. It takes
work. And frankly, most people aren't
interested in the investment.
Too bad.
Much misunderstanding, hurt, pain and
suffering could be avoided if only a small
amount of 'time investment' were given to
getting to know another person - BEFORE -
voicing publicly an opinion or position that either directly
or indirectly affects that person.
Snap-shots only reveal the subject in a
specific given moment of time. Nothing of
history, past or future, is relevant or
revealed. Thus, snap-shots of people are
dangerous for all parties concerned. Like
that old addage about 'judging a book by its
cover'.
Another old addage comes to mind as a
solution for this errant behavior,
"Treat others as you, yourself, would
want to be treated."
On that Dave, I would tell you and anyone else they had a bugger hanging from their nose.
But, I make no judgement on your choice; I
wasn't there and don't know the history: even
with your further explanation. I tell you
what I would do .. not how you should do.
Yes, and what about the mind-of-its-own Mac
reboot phenom .. ": )))
Posted 23 months ago.
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