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I think I shot 100 photos and I only got the sun the way I saw it in my head in 5.
I'm not mad about my face in it but I did get a shot I'm ok with :)
I went back to my house today to shoot this but I didn’t go inside cause it was raining for 3 days straight and they were very wet and it was too dangerous to go inside and I wanted the sun today anyway.
I'm so glad I went there and got out of the house for a while.
I kept hearing some kids with their dad behind me in the woods I was so nervous and uncomfortable but I stayed there until the sun was gone.
Hope this link works but can be viewed BIG
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Uploaded on Dec 19, 2009
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I've finally been able to fall asleep at a reasonable hour last night and still I was very blue today and I don’t even know exactly why. I tried not to go too deep into my thoughts cause I get lost in there and I'm definitely working very hard on trying to not over think things like my life and so on. And just BE in the moment and smile…so.. I've had a few tears I don’t even know why I've had them.
I've had a hard day in terms of my 348 photo I had this idea and it wasn’t coming out the way I liked so I moved to something else that I also don’t like I decided to edit this first idea in the end. It turned out ok not what I had in mind but ok…
There is an outtake on my Blog
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Uploaded on Dec 18, 2009
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What do I say after yesterday…my mom came home today so I spoke to her abit about my father issues she's a therapist so she s a good listener and adviser. There is no magic to be done I have to figure out why I'm choosing to stay so mad. And ill work on it probably for a few more years to come.
I shot something to day I really didn’t like so I decided to reshoot I like this better.
I didn’t go to my special house today it was so cloudy and dark and I woke up late I might go tomorrow.
I feel like I'm in love I can't stop thinking about this place I feel like it's my special secret place and no one can have it or take it. It's weird isn’t it…
: )
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Uploaded on Dec 16, 2009
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Jer in the box just posted this 40 minutes ago on one of my photos
"…And if you get the urge to tell the world how down you are, stop first and think about a positive way to say it."
Which is funny because I was just gonna say some harsh stuff I don’t think I can find another way to say them though…
My father had a Bday a few days ago and he came to pick up my sisters to have supper with him and his GirlFriend I never go to her place or do anything with him but I felt like he was really upset I wasn’t coming then my sisters came back and she picked a "fight" with me about him she always does that after she sees him and I don’t.
I just kept saying I have nothing with him hes a stranger why should I go and she just kept shouting at me " Hes you FATHER!!"
what does that mean???
I have no idea what that word is I seriously have no idea what that word is..
ok so lets say the word FATHER is this amazing strong and important word… so?? What do I owe this so called father person??
She said " he gave u life youre here because of him ! be thankful for it"
"excuse me?? Who wants to be here in the first place?!? I don’t owe him anything! On the contrary I should hate him forever and ever if nothing than just for that fact."
that’s all I said…
I don’t know what will happen with this issue I mean I have to resolve it one way or another
the fact that I hate being alive is one!
and the second is this father word thing.
I actually had as good day I went back to the Indian movie set hee hee….
I went into another building that is there this little blue house that has a few stairs and a porch.
I was nervous and didn’t know what I wanted but I just tried a few things out,I just felt so at home there. I didn’t want to go I stayed there until the light had gone.
I feel like I'm inlove I can't stop thinking about it.
The light was dancing and moving from room to room and in each room it was different.
It was so magical and heavenly I want to be there all the time.
I want to see the moon light from there and a rain storm cant wait for summer now just because i can be there for hours (without being cold) and just be with myself… and nothing else.
It takes me back to being 14 and coming back to Israel from South Africa having all this new hope and new taste for life all this new energy and curiosity about things I haven't felt this in years!! If ever…
So there.
something positive after the negative : )
The best photo today actually is a nude but I don’t feel like sharing my body today so this is an outtake :)
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Uploaded on Dec 15, 2009
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I went to my healing session today I go every 2 weeks I like talking to her after words she always ends up saying something I really needed to hear it so funny how it always happens like that.
She spoke about femininity and being a woman in terms of Judaism and our soul lessons in this life and it's just fascinating I wish I could remember it all to repeat.
Basically she said things I already figured out and know.
I use to go out allot back when I was 23 and my girl friend whom I went out with was very "easy" if you know what I mean and I never got it.
I never get women who act so tough and so macho they think men will like them if they act like men.
I preferred being a virgin in those terms than act macho something about it just never sat right with me.
be a woman! Why are women afraid of being women?
Why do they feel its weak ? we are so much stronger emotionally he have such incredible gifts and powers we really do.
Learn how to use it instead of trying to be someone else…
: )
This photo has nothing to do with what I've just said but I feel I finally reached something in me with this photo I haven't reached often.
I sent this to my mentor and al he said was " congratulations!"
I knew he'll like it.
I also got his permission to say his name and link his page. He is so intense and so talented.
You'll enjoy his work especially all you men who write me and say
"I'm a man how can I shoot myself without it being too sexual ?"
YanivZaloof
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Uploaded on Dec 14, 2009
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