a lifetime of walking on eggshells' photostream

As I lay broken in a forest
of ashen visions,
I dreamed of fleshy bodies
that never held me
for very long.
Would the healing never come
or was this the way of the world
for weary warriors who forgot
to die gloriously, valiantly,
and young?

- Unknown

I took Bandit's ashes and paw prints home today. I made her a basket lined with a lilac towel and put her ashes and paw prints in them. I'm glad she's home with me again, but no matter what, I still feel a sense of emptiness because in the end, she was still gone.

I don't have any good photos of her. :'[

This is one of the stray cats I've been feeding in my neighborhood. She comes by almost every night to eat, sleep, and visit her friend, Xam, who has moved into my house a year ago.

I've been trying to befriend her for more than a year now without much progress. She was missing for about a week. Yesterday, my family and I found her in our backyard. She was scared out of her mind and dragging her legs. Her body was soaked from the rain and from having to drag her whole body with her front legs. After spending a very long time dragging her out from under our shed, we rushed her to the ER.

After doing an x-ray, exam, and tests, we were told by the vet that her chances of survival are very slim. Even with extensive surgery, she might not survive, and if she did, she will most likely be paralyzed for the rest of her life from her stomach down due to injury in the spinal cord.

We spent an hour deciding what we should do, and in the end, we decided it was best if we let her go. Even if she did survive the surgery, we couldn't give her all the care she needed, and she would be paralyzed for the rest of her life. Her bodily functions could be compromised, leaving her with a lot of problems. I asked for a private cremation so we could take her home with us when it's done. We said goodbye to her, but we couldn't bare to be there for the procedure.

I am so devastated because I've known her for so long and I've wanted so badly for her to stay with us. Now whenever I put food outside for the strays, I know I will never see her sleeping in front of our house again. I know she will never come back to us. I feel so heartbroken to know that she suffered so greatly during the last week of her life and I feel so guilty for leaving her alone in a strange place to die amongst strangers. Her life has been so brutal and I have not done anything for her.