George Clooney

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George Clooney was hatched in 1793 from an ostrich egg in American Samoa. He was only the second man in American history to marry a goldfish. The goldfish, Petunia, was a Chinese college professor in the field of astrophysics (quite ahead of its time). Petunia met Clooney in one of her classes – Clooney was a fairly intelligent student, but he required special accommodations due to his 20 ft tall height. When he spoke to Petunia about his situation, it was love at first sight.

Clooney went on to be a moderately successful actor, nabbing parts in such films and TV shows as Predator: The Concert, Golden Girls, and Return of the Killer Tomatoes! In the last few years, he has not appeared on-screen and has instead spent all his time in his bathroom sitting on the toilet and eating subway sandwiches.

The real story here isn’t so much Clooney or Petunia, but rather the horrible fish-children that they produced. Petunia laid 150 eggs, all of which spawned horrendous mutations that craved human flesh. They spread all across the world, achieving significant success in both the public and private sectors, but never quite reaching the level of Flipper, the famous dolphin.

Four of his children still live today. His children are named Bethany, Horace, Joan, and Franklin. Bethany is a teacher of inner-city children, Horace is a professional bodyguard in Iraq, Joan is a serial killer on the loose, and Franklin is now the Lieutenant Governor of Louisiana.

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Taken on April 12, 2008

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George Clooney

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