These are the Most difficult and painful words I've ever written:
I've lost the most amazing and important Man in my life: My Father. Suddenly, shockingly, a fulminating stroke. On April, 2007, on a Friday 13th.
I've met some great people here. Flickr has been an important part in my Life in the last 2 years, where I've expressed myself through my images. I feel the need to share a tiny part of my grieving with those who've been following my stream, my progress, our sharing. I feel the need, for the first time, to cry for Help.
For 13 years I lived away from my parents, in different cities. Four years ago they moved to where my brother and I were, I moved in with them again and my brother head for other cities.
~ We had barely seen and talked to each other in the past 4 months, he traveled, I traveled, he traveled, living in this big apartment and spending so little time together, I missed him, I just didn't know how very much.
It had been about 40 minutes I'd arrived home and he was asleep. I was downloading pics, tired and sick. Then I heard him asking me to prepare a glass of chocolate milk, he was not feeling well, I worried, he said it wasn't serious, insisted on the hot chocolate, I didn't see it coming... which made me despair deeply right after I learned he was dead. It hurts, so so so very much.
I called the cab asking for urgence to the hospital, he went upstairs to change, I went for my documents, shoes and medicines. When I got in the lobby the door man told me he had already gone... It hit me hard, something was terribly wrong. I despaired while speed dialing for another taxi.
I'm the one who went through the shock first and, in the first hour, Alone. They had told me he was in the room at the end of the halway but didn't let me go there, after many minutes praying, crying, hearing the sound of people running in and out, I stood up, saw that door semi-opened and insanely ran through the hallway to see him in a way I should've never seen it. They took me away, I called my boyfriend in despair, in despair I remained.
When my boyfriend got there I was taken to a little room where I learned he had died in the taxi, he hadn't made it to hospital alive. I'd never hurt so Much, so Uterly, so Deeply in my Heart, in my Soul. They gave me an injection to calm me down, I thought my heart would explode... that wasn't a nightmare I could wake up from. My Dad was suddenly gone, forever... there was Nothing I could do about that.
I had the Best Father I could've ever have. My greatest encourager,
admirer, my best teacher. Also, my worst arguments, but they never
lasted, he would always assure me he loved me.
a Man full of Energy, Passion, Kindness, Integrity, Wisdom, Character, Loyalty, Love, Life, so much Life.
The Kindest and Unselfish person I've ever known, the best son parents could have, brother, husband, the favorite uncle, one of the most intelligent men I knew, if not the most. One of the best Engineers of his time in Brazil. He was so different in so many ways, He was Unique. Whoever knew him, knows that.
He died between 12:30 AM and 1 AM on Friday 13th. I learned about it around 2 am, then the news spread. When my mother was brought to the hospital there were 15 friends in the room with me, among mom's, my brother's and mine.
His funeral started about 12 hours later, it had over 100 people, one of my cousins who could fly in in time, counted it. Our family lives in another state, the great majority of them could not come.
The line in church to hug us, on his 7th day Mass, was long.
Such a loved Father, Husband, Friend. Telegrams keep coming, phone calls, emails, condolences.
He was only 62, had so many plans, so much to live, and was taken from us forever and quick. Forever has never sounded this Painful. He didn't live to see his daughter succeed as a Photographer the way she wants, hold his first grandson, who will be named after him (decided by my brother since he was a little kid) ...hold My future child... it hurts and hurts... and Huuuuuurtssss
When I told him I had decided to become a PRO, I'd have to invest lots of money, time and quit my former career in the process, his eyes were shining and his words were:
"- Daughter, what can I do for You?" smiling, confident in my new path.
He helped me get the gear I needed for my start. We had different ideas about how I was doing it, he had his thoughts and used Internet just when it was really necessary, I had mine. He respected my way of thinking from the beginning, he was there for me. He saw me studying and doing my thing so many nights, late, by Myself. He was Proud.
The last short conversation we had about my career, I was upset about some people thinking just because I'm was "newbie" I should be cheap. He told me:
- "You've got a great talent and passion, you should do what you must! People will keep coming and never cease!"... As usual, I was in a hurry to go back to my stuff, and while I was leaving he said:
"- Daughter, your name will be known, respected, you'll be Great... & added: - You already Are!" He had a shining smile in his eyes and face... My Father.
If you read my words till this point...
Don't pity me, instead, send me Good thoughts, vibes, Energy. I believe in the power of Love, Friendship, Positive Thinking, I believe your sincere good thoughts can reach me, no matter the distance, they can help me get healthier than I'm now, keep my good energy for the times to come, deal with the greatest Loss in my life. It's what I humbly ask. If there was ever a time to send me good energy, this is IT.
Thank You, I know they will come.
~ I clicked this photo at dawn, during a break from working in a
pretty tight dead line. It's one of the lamp shades in my bedroom,
this shot had been in my mind for many days... My heart is too swollen, it hasn't fit in my body lately.
My Stream wont' have a break, I have many images to share, I'll keep on posting them.
~~* Dad, read my words in your heart, wherever you're now:
I'll keep on moving, I grieve deeply but will make it, I know you know, and I repeat it, after all, I'm your daughter. Along with your Son, I'll take care of Mom, we'll make sure she survives the loss of her Love and partner
. I'll take her to places you still wanted to take'er, your first grandson is coming... She will make it.
One day, when I have my first big exhibition, I'll dedicate it to You. Those great cliks to come are already dedicated to You, in advance. That shooting in Fashion, my first, happened 4 days after you passed away, I was still in shock, sick, under pressure, on medication and few hours slept, I thought about You, I made it.
~ I am Blessed for having had You in my life, we all are!
Your brilliant passage will Never be forgotten, too many stories and good memories to tell!
Shine HIGH Dad, Where You Belong.
I'll keep on learning, improving, walking and clicking...... carrying You in my heart Forever.
Perdi o homem mais maravilhoso e importante da minha vida: Meu PAI. de repente, ataque cardíaco fulminante.
Esta foto foi tirada de madrugada, num intervalo durante o trabalho em algumas fotos q tinha q entregar com urgência. Este é um dos abajures do meu quarto, a única montagem aqui é o rosto do meu pai adicionado ao centro do abajur. Estive com essa imagem na cabeça durante dias, meu coração tá inchado demais para caber dentro do meu peito.
Me desculpo pela ausência do texto em Portugûes. foi drenante demais escrevê-lo.