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BEFORE ATTEMPTING SEXUAL INTERCOURSE PLEASE ENSURE THAT –

• You fully understand the procedure.
• You follow safe lifting and handling guidelines/techniques.
• You are on firm and level ground.
• Overhead clearance is adequate.
• You have full consent (In writing.)
• Your nether garments are fully lowered.
• The area is free from obstructions and personnel.
• Any additional equipment has also been risk assessed separately.

AFTER SEXUAL INTERCOURSE ALWAYS ENSURE THAT –

• Any additional equipment has been checked, cleaned and stored correctly for future use.
• All zips and other openings are fully closed/tied/buttoned up and checked.
• You are wearing your own shoes/underwear.
• You say “Thank you for having me!"

DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES –

• Work under an un-propped body.
• Attempt to assist the performance by means of force/tears/and/or financial inducements.
• Wear a Batman costume.
• Dismount halfway to relight your cigarette from the grill.

In 1936 Dennis Bellwether had a dream – His was a vision of the world not as it was, but a world where toilet paper would be replaced by something softer, moister...

Bjarka Gammelgaard was justly famed throughout the small hamlet of Hamlet in eastern Denmark – In 1910 she had only started baking her delicious biscuits, flavoured with her own secret blend of spices...

Jayne Mansfield was just eight years of age when she conceived her life’s mission – To build a better cement mixer...

Dennis toiled night and day for three long years – He had to find a material with the combination of correct tensile strength, softness, and moisture retention...

People travelled from all over Denmark, and beyond – To sample the unique flavour of Bjarka’s biscuits...

No manufacturer at the time would (Or could) produce and market Dennis’s new toilet product – So he decided to go it alone...

Jayne grew up to become a Hollywood film star - And a sex symbol with a 48” bust! – However, she never forgot her ruling passion – The radical re-design and improvement of the cement mixer...

You no longer have to travel long distances to sample the excellence of Bjarka’s biscuitry...

A disused bus shelter in the Orkneys was an unlikely venue for the manufacture of a revolutionary toilet requisite – So Dennis borrowed a thousand pounds (That’s nearly twenty million pounds in today’s value) to establish an up to the minute production facility in Central London...

The latest Mansfield Cement Mixer features a heavy-duty dent proof poly drum, that’s built for durability. Its 3.5 cu. ft. capacity (230-lb. weight capacity) turns at 25 RPM. Powered by a 1/2 HP, 240V maintenance-free weatherproof motor. The Mansfield has a front dump wheelbarrow access and control handle for improved conformity and performance...

If Bjarka were alive today she would be delighted that her original secret recipe is still being used...

Unfortunately on the evening before Dennis’s new showplace production plant, went into operation – It became the first victim of World War Two’s bombing...

Generations have come to know that ”Bjarka bakes a better biscuit!..”

Ironically by the lost and disoriented crew of an R.A.F. Wellington – Who erroneously thought they were over Wilhelmshaven...

Now everyone can reap the benefit of Jayne’s research and hard work...

Today the world acknowledges Dennis’s dream – Dennis Bellwether would be proud to be known as the inventor of “Bellwether’s - Soft as a Baby’s Bum – Wet-Wipes...”

If she hadn’t been decapitated in a car crash in 1967, Jayne would have been delighted by this, the ultimate cement mixer, to bear her name...

May contain nuts...

Thank you for choosing Auschwitz.

We trust your stay with us, although necessarily short – will be memorable.
Our many expert hosts are here to help you – They work closely with their canine associates to ensure your safety and security at all times – They will be instantly recognisable dressed as they are in field grey.

We’ve switched from leather to cardboard for your footwear - And from wool to burlap for your clothing, both of which can be widely recycled – Obviously better for the environment.
The cardboard for the footwear is certified by the Forest Stewardship Council, to prove it’s sourced from responsibly managed forests.
The electricity for the fence and for our popular Son et Lumière towers is produced from environmentally recovered fats – Another way in which we try to protect our precious natural resources.
To top it all our production processes using State-Of-The-Art machinery meet strict environmental, social and economic standards - This minimises transportation and helps us (With your involvement) to produce a wide range of sustainable 100% recycled products – From Lampshades to Fertiliser.

At Auschwitz we operate a robust anti-discrimination policy – Age, Race, Religion, Political or Sexual Orientation is no barrier to enjoying the Auschwitz experience to the full.

Lastly – We have had very few complaints – However, whilst here at Auschwitz if you are unsatisfied in any way at all, please do not hesitate to tell one of the many camp hosts, and they will bring it to the attention of the management.

N.B. Auschwitz accepts no liability (However arising) for - Any loss of life or limb – Any brutal acts by us against you, your friends and family - Including - Starvation – Torture – Gassing – Rape - Electrocution etc – Or, your involuntary inclusion in bizarre medical experimentation, by us - Whatsoever.

Your stay in Auschwitz, is entirely at your own risk.

Auschwitz has a no smoking policy.

Poor Frank Machine is hurtin’ - but at least the man is clean.
He just got outta Lexington – a monkey free machine.
The Missus in a wheelchair - she keeps layin’ on the grief –
“You made me what I am today!” The man needs some relief.

Frankie likes the quiet life – so, he plays his drums all night –
It gives the Missus migraines - and this adds to Frankie’s plight,
At last he takes a five spot - and he goes to see the man!
Who fixes Frankie well and good – like only Mother can.

Now Mrs Frankie’s walkin’ - but of this no one’s aware –
She’s caught by Frankie’s “Candyman” – So - she chucks him down the stairs!
The cops go huntin’ Frankie - for they dig him for this rap!
“No frail stuck in no cripple cart – is fit to pull dis crap!”

But then she goes and blows it all – just when the joint is packed –
An’ she trips the light fantastic – like some Chinese jumpin’ jack!
The brightest sparks from homicide, confer – and they agree!
So they slip the Darbys on her - and begin the third degree.

The end is like some fairytale – Frank quits the junk for good –
He takes Kim Novak by the hand – and they leave that neighbourhood.

He blotted my escutcheon -
Mine honour he besmirched!
I longed to drag the blackguard out
And have him soundly birched!

My regiment, my varsity –
My noble Norman blood –
He’d stripped the lustre from their names
And dragged them through the mud.

My coat of arms, my motto –
The dear old family seat –
Were ridiculed – Were shat upon
Were squashed beneath his feet!

Now I can trace my ancestry
Back all the way to Dad –
As, according to my Mother,
I am probably his lad!

Noblesse though, still obliges –
Honi soit qui mal y pense!
I wasn’t wearing gloves –
So with my socks I slapped his bonce.

The choice was swords or pistols? But –
I didn’t turn a hair – When he –
The finest swordsman –
In the whole of Camembert!
Chose foils! – His favoured weapon!
Well - I let him have his head –
For as I’d picked the pistols –
I just shot the bounder dead!