Nerboo's photostream  

Panic is a sudden desertion of us, and a going over to the enemy of our imagination. ~Christian Nevell Bovee

I did not feel like taking a pic tonight. It was a struggle just doing this simple setup. But it's done. No quitting. Fight.

I went to the doctor today. See above...

Strobist info - Sunpak 383 at 1/16 bounced; Cactus trigger.

For though I'm small, I know many things,
and my body is an endless eye
through which, unfortunately, I see everything. - Gloria Fuertes

It descends like an angel damned, ready to play havoc with whatever it touches. And when it comes, it hangs on, lingers, and does not want to let go.

I remember one of the previous times I had a panic attack. Back in 1999 I was involved with someone who one day up and left to move to another state under the guise of moving to get some experience working in a media job and to give me the seclusion and time I would need to devote myself to the first year of law school.

As you can guess, it wasn't that simple and there were other motives involved as to why she moved away. Needless to say, it was devastating. I spent over a year in this dark never ending fucking abyss of depression and panic attacks. I can actually remember the first one that came over me. I had invited my dad over to watch Saving Private Ryan. As soon as he left, I went outside and sat on the porch and the thing besieged me like a demon.

Every damn day was a struggle. I had entered law school that summer to get a head start and had to drop out that semester because the mental toil from all this was too much. I reentered that fall when things were just slightly better because I didn't want life to go totally off the rails.

And I drank and moped and drank and moped and drank and moped.

And it didn't do one bit of fucking good. When is say I drank it wasn't just a few drinks every night. It was $40 bar tabs every other day and fifths being consumed on the weekends and some week nights. You do that long enough it can affect your spleen.

Life was shit. It took a long time and meeting my now wife to get back on track.

I haven't had a full fledged panic attack since then, but there are still times depression and anxiety fuck with me. It can come on suddenly, and it brings its friend, irrational fear.

They both decided to visit this past weekend and damn if they don't want to take up residence in me.

This entire past week I've gotten little sleep. I lay in bed thinking of work, the baby, my house, money. I add up totals in my head 100s of times. Work up my percentages of cases. Subtracting and adding trying to make figures come together. I think of the worst case scenario for my job. I think of what if something happens the the baby.

My mind will not turn off. It becomes machine. Never resting. Never stopping.

I utterly hate this shit with everything I have in me. I would never, ever, wish it upon anyone.

It becomes this living fucking hell.

And for the time being it's here.

I will fight it.

I must.

Strobist info - Sunpak 383 at 1/4 into brolly to left side of face at 90 degree angle. Cactus trigger.

This did not go as planned as one can plainly see. It's getting uploaded anyway.

The whole reason for this project was to shoot again. I'm doing that.

That is all.

Thank you and come again.

I'm attemotjngn to typoe this up after having thaken an ambien,

Seriously, I am scared/worried/befuddled shitless about work issues, buying new cars, and Charles Christian, especially C.C.

I guess anyone would be. The World changes.

Every night I tell myself I am the COSMOS.

A little more than three weeks now.

Strobist info - Vivitar 285HV at 1/2 into brolly overhead to camera left; Cactus Trigger.